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[image ID: December 7, 2021 tweet by butchanarchy that reads,
If 1 in 4 adults in America truly are estranged from their families it is due to the fact that we have normalized a culture of abuse, not that “cancel culture” has gotten out of hand.
Cutting off someone you have kinship ties with, especially if they are a parent, is not something people do at the drop of that hat or when the mood takes them. It is something that happens when a mutually respectful relationship has shown itself to be impossible.
/end image ID]
Psychological brainwashing
they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency
they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own
they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult
they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life
they convinced me I would be dead without them
they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to
they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told
they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)
they convinced me escaping them equals death
they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault
they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it
they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them
they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else
they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own
they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor
they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely
they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused
they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay
they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay
I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do
I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up
I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time
I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now
I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again
I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to
I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me
I don’t believe I could survive without them
I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it
I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here
Violence and threats
they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home
they threatened to hurt me if I leave
they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave
they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave
they threatened to call the police if I leave
they threatened to kill me if I leave
they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave
they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave
they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me
they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death
Emotional manipulation and guilt
they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do
they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive
they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends
they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away
they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to
they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them
they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving
they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them
Escape Sabotage
they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it
they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me
they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover
they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)
they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave
they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away**
they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)
"Oh hey 23 isn't so bad. I wonder what the threshold is."
Three... just three...
**they want me to work or go to school but they dont seem to want me to be independent
Am I being held hostage by abuser(s)? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure.
Psychological brainwashing
they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency
they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own
they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult
they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life
they convinced me I would be dead without them
they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to
they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told
they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)
they convinced me escaping them equals death
they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault
they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it
they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them
they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else
they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own
they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor
they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely
they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused
they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay
they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay
I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do
I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up
I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time
I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now
I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again
I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to
I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me
I don’t believe I could survive without them
I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it
I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here
Violence and threats
they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home
they threatened to hurt me if I leave
they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave
they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave
they threatened to call the police if I leave
they threatened to kill me if I leave
they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave
they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave
they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me
they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death
Emotional manipulation and guilt
they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do
they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive
they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends
they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away
they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to
they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them
they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving
they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them
Escape Sabotage
they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it
they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me
they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover
they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)
they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave
they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away
they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)
if you can bold even 3 of these, your abusers are aware that they’re abusing you, and that is logical for you to want to get away from them, and they’re making direct actions to sabotage and stop you from escaping.Only reason they would try to convince you that you can’t survive without them is that they know you are able to, and they’re actively trying to stop it. If you feel pathetic for not being able to leave, this isn’t true, you’ll notice abusers are putting shitton of work making sure you can’t leave, they wouldn’t be doing that if they really thought you were too pathetic to leave? They’re sabotaging you because they know you can get away.
Also, presenting themselves as the only source of survival, love, and comfort to you? They’re trying to affect you to trauma bond to them and have you develop Stockholm Syndrome, that means you’d be forced to make decisions for their benefit instead of yours, and you wouldn’t be able to fight against them because it would mean risking your life.
Sometimes, I don't want to heal. Healing almost feels like a betrayal to myself. I know what they've done, and the damage will never be fully healed. It almost scares me to think that I might forget or become numb to it. As long as the wounds stay open, and I still feel the burning pain, it's real. I can't trick myself into thinking it's not.
There are other times when I don't want to heal because people might not believe me. I've already plenty who don't, but it would be so much worse if someone saw evidence of my trauma but didn't believe me because the rest of my personality and coping mechanisms seem normal. If I stay broken, the smaller cracks are less noticable, and they're easier to explain. Obviously, a shattered window is going to have both big and small cracks and might even be missing some pieces.
Sometimes healing just doesn't seem worth it because I feel like my life should be perfect once I'm past that point. People have it worse, and the worst is behind me, so I have no right to be this way.
I don't know. I'm not sure I want to heal
Not invalidating anyone, but my abuser used the first two to emphasize how much of a disappointment I was when I couldn't deliver what was expected of me. I was "gifted," but eventually started to slip. Those phrases were used against me even before that whenever I thought something was difficult or I just flat out couldn't do it, which made it so much more painful when I finally reached the bottom of my fall. I wasn't what I was "supposed to be," and never would be.
Some of these others were used but they were empty. If I actually needed help, I likely wouldn't get it. "Are you okay?" "You can tell us anything." "If you need help, just ask." But help never came. For my depression, my anxiety, my autism symptoms, my ADHD symptoms... My siblings were helped when they needed it, but I was left to rot. The most help I got was being able to stay after school for tutoring a few times so I wouldn't have to repeat a class and be even more embarrassing. That didn't last long though and I had to resort to cheating.
The enabler was genuine about being proud. The other couldn't even utter the words to tell that lie. Captain enabler also said we were good kids, but never protected me from the abuse, so there was a lot of dissonance. If I'm a good kid, why am I being punished and called an asshole? A worthless, lazy dumbass? It's confusing.
Phrases I don’t hear from abusive parents:
“You can achieve anything you want.”
”You’ll be fine, you’re smart and capable. You can do this. ”
”Are you alright? Do you need help?
“Are you hurt?”
”I’m sorry.”
“You’re not alone, if you want to pursue this we’ll help you.”
“Nobody is allowed to hurt you.”
“I’ll be here if you need me.”
“It’s all going to be okay.”
“You’re a good kid.”
“You did a great job!”
“I’m proud of you.”
I feel like my brain is just broken beyond repair.
Nobody knows what wrong with it. All we know is that something is wrong.
Whatever it is is irreparable. All I can do is learn to live with it, but I don't want to. It's not fair.
Abuser got me an expensive gift and now I'm spiraling again...
I'm trying to leave but... If I cut contact, I'll feel guilty and everyone except one person who relates will hate me...
I think I said too much.
I was mentioning how almost everyone was secretly packing up to move out and away from my abuser and one of her cohorts.
My sibling who doesn't necessarily see her as abusive looked at me like I was crazy when I mentioned it...
I hate thism I have almost no one irl I can talk to about this shit, especially since my siblings and I were all treated differently. They even look at me like I'm crazy for pointing it out.
But most of them are in fact leaving to get away from her because she's the problem. Sure, some are leaving because they're young adults now and they need freedom, but you also have to acknowledge her behavior. Not me though. I'm stuck
It's wild how abusers will normalize things and use different language to make it sound okay.
"spanking" instead of "hitting" or "beating" unless they're threatening you. Once it's over, you got *spanked" and not "beaten."
I've known for a while that my parents were physically abusive when I was growing up, but I was afraid to call what they did "beating" until recently. I had a conversation with someone I grew up with, and that's what she called it. I was dumbfounded for a second before I stopped and thought about it. Then, I felt validated and heard.
I've gone from refusing to call what I experienced trauma to looking into finding a psychiatrist to see if I have cptsd.... (Over the course of several years unfortunately)
2006: "No. My parents aren't hitting or beating me. They're spanking me, and for good reason. :/"
2010: "I don't think you should spank kids, but what my parents are doing isn't bad. I think a pop on the hand makes more sense, but these spankings aren't abuse."
2014: "Well now I'm depressed. My parents definitely have a lot to do with it, but I don't think they were physically abusive. Definitely verbally and emotionally but I have no trauma."
2016: "it could have been so much worse, but it's all stuck in my brain and I can't get it out. It's definitely me being sensitive. That stuff doesn't cause trauma."
2019: "So it is trauma... But it wasn't that bad. I heard about little t trauma. That's what it is. I still have no right to complain."
2020: "Trauma is trauma. Why am I comparing? They messed up and I should've left by now. They were physically abusive, but still not that bad. Little t trauma still counts."
Very recently: "Nevermind. Big T trauma. It is most certainly that bad. I wouldn't have reacted that way back then if it wasn't."
Suck that it took me so long
Don't you just love it when you start doubting everything just because your abuser got you Christmas presents and acted normal for two days?
And people wonder how you get stuck in the cycle...
The conflicting feeling has returned.
You've been terrible to me and I want you to face consequences.
But you're in danger and I don't want anything awful happening to you.
But you've done so much to hurt me over the years.
But you've also done so much to help me.
You were apathetic towards my plight and my cries often fell on deaf ears.
I would help you if I could but my untreated and undiagnosed disorders and years of abuse have led me to a terrible mental state and I have no funds to help you.
My abuser needs to go to the hospital. They refuse. Their ailment could get worse. I have no car, nor license, nor insurance, nor funds and I cannot help them.
I would like to show just the smallest bit of mercy to my abuser, despite how often they refused to show me even a grain of it, but we are both helpless for the time being....
"you're an adult. I know you can't move out yet, but stand up to your parents. Don't be so spineless."
You don't fucking understand. My safety has been threatened over the smallest things. They haven't hit me as an adult, but one of them definitely would if I gave a good enough reason, and the other enables it.
The worst they've done recently is toss drinks on me or throw candy or whatever at me (which is harmless coming from one of them and ambiguous from the other) or get into some psychological or emotional abuse. That's lessened for now too, but only until we move out and they can corner me in a time and place where no one can see or hear either of us.
If I do fight back and it gets violent, I can't do anything about it. They might kick me out. I have nowhere to go. I don't have nearly enough money to sustain myself and most of my clothes are unwearable. It's winter. I could die.
So I'm glad you can do that, but we aren't all so fortunate.
abused kids daydreaming: but what if there was a situation where I got hurt... and someone cared and comforted me? what then??
abused kids: oh no I'm selfish and stupid for imagining this! How could I think my pain would matter enough for someone to comfort me, I need to get over myself and start living in the real life! Comfort doesn't exist and if I'm not tough I'm not going to make it!
It's so hard to not feel guilty about being upset at the people who mistreated you. Especially parents.
"But she gave me soup and stuff when I was sick. She even cried when I told her I was having dark thoughts."
Yes but she also basically told me to end myself, showed clear favoritism, frequently used corporal punishment, and a whole laundry list of other things.
It's so hard because she hasn't done too many harmful things as of recent. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and it almost feels like I'm being overly dramatic about it now. It almost feels like maybe it was all in my head in the first place.
Then I remember that I was so desperate to get away when I was younger. Desperate enough to think about taking drastic measures. Desperate enough to dream about someone just taking me away from my family.
And then I feel guilty again five minutes later
Once again, the failed prototype takes a backseat to its creator's magnum opus. That's how it always happens.
A frame, gifted to me for my birthday sat empty because I had no friends and no fun memories with which to fill it.
They were put there instead.
"This is temporary."
It wasn't.
I used to shine so brightly, the brightest star in the sky, blocking out so many others. I was the pride of the galaxy. Now that I'm older, I've burned out and essentially been replaced. I lay here, wasting away with little to show for the time I've spent living.
I was gifted a frame once again. This time, it had something in it. A photo of the stars, the way they were in the sky over the place I was born, on the very night I was born.
Their photo sits on top of mine. In my frame.
How fitting. How poetic.
"Don't act like they're the favorite. Or like they have special privileges."
They clearly are, and they do.
I felt almost numb about it at first. I didn't want to be bothered by it, but I was. The tears fell immediately. I can barely complain about it. It always ends in my words being brushed off or a full blown argument. Never an apology or even an admission of wrongdoing.
How dare you. How dare you do this. It's such a small act, but the hate and disrespect feel earth shattering. I know I'm being dramatic, and it hurts that much more because of it. I know I sound crazy for crying and complaining about it. After all, it's a picture frame. It's not the end of the world. It feels like it, though. I'm literally nauseous.
"You have to toughen up. You can't be a soggy little sad sack."
I don't want to toughen up. People who have to steel themselves often lose their compassion, empathy, and patience. That's one of the many things I hate and fear. Those emotions don't disappear. They only fester and ferment until they bubble over. You could've had juice, and then maybe wine, but no. Now you have vinegar, and you can't just keep trying to hold it in. It will escape whether you like it or not. You can't keep pouring more juice into a full glass and expect it to not spill.
I shouldn't have to toughen up about this. Something so stupid shouldn't be happening in the first place. They knew the pictures were coming. They could've bought a new frame. They aren't expensive.
"His picture is from an achievement. Yours isn't. What do you need the frame for? You have no achievements and you haven't since you were younger."
I wanted to break the frame as soon as I saw the picture. Life has been kicking my ass, and I managed to keep my cool until I came home that terrible night and saw that photo.
Why do I have to be the broken, failed prototype? Why do I have to be defective? It isn't fair.
Is "irrational" anger a trauma response?
I only feel like it might be because I'm always bothered when this person enters the room. I'm almost enraged when they try to speak to me, more often than not. I try to keep it to myself only because I know I would look utterly insane otherwise.
It's almost like I've gaslit myself into thinking I've been overly dramatic this whole time and nothing they ever did was so terrible. Then, I feel guilty for being mad at them, even though I look back in it and see how much it affected me or how badly my younger self wanted to leave and cut contact.
I almost feel like I'm losing my mind just thinking about this.
I think your problems are very valid and your trauma is not any less important than others' . I can't speak for you but wanted to say that you don't have to think you're luckier than others. Also being neurodivergent already means you have a lot of struggles. Maybe reason why you think you're luckier than others is because you were used to pushing aside your issues in favor of others. That's rough life, I hope you know everything you go through is equally as valid as anything else
Thank you for the ask, and thank you for the validation.
I think you're kind of right about me pushing my issues aside, but it's probably also just another consequence of abuse. "It could've been worse." That's always what people are told, and a lot of us are gaslit into thinking it wasn't nearly as bad as it was.
At this point, its so deeply ingrained in my mind. I can't really help but to think that way sometimes. I'm working on it, though. Maybe it'll stop one day and I'll be able to completely distance myself from everyone involved.
Once again, thank you for your kindness. I hope you and everyone you care about are living your best lives. If not, then I wish you the best of luck on your journey to happiness.
Being an older sibling, and seeing a younger sibling upset will never stop being painful.
It only adds to the pain when you aren't equally close to all of them, and the one with the most distance is the one in need of help.
We've never been overly close, and they seldom, if ever, come to me for help. Our parents were more gentle raising them, so they grew up healthier and more independent. That's a bit of a double edged sword, though. I could at least try to calm the others down and encourage them, but not this time. They probably don't want me to, and I wouldn't know how, even if they did.
It's strange how people who grew up in such close quarters, with the same parents have such drastically different connections with each other. The rest of us a close-knit clique, with a thin, frail connection to that island. It's not like any of us deliberately excluded each other growing up, and it's not like any of us saw it coming. It's no fault of our own, and it's upsetting, but that's the way things came out.
Is there a term to describe people with "trauma" who don't know if theirs even constitutes as trauma? And if it is, then it's not as bad as it could've been? Like instead of having drug dealing parents who beat you into a concussion weekly, you had parents who never seemed to quite be proud of you, parents who had a clear favorite, could be considered abusive to certain degrees but verbally abusive more often than physically? What about the guilt that comes with it? I would like to know for several purposes...
I'm sorry that things are very hard for you, its very hard being neurodivergent and having to work jobs. I hope you are a bit easier on yourself, its okay to mess up. I think you're cool and I understand being trapped in such situation. I can't help or do anything about your situation but I wish you have some good time or free time for yourself sometime soon
Hi and thank you. I'm trying to be a little easier on myself, but it's kind of hard when you feel like a failure. On top of being abysmally inept in terms of anything social, I have the problem of being a young adult and steadily falling behind my peers. Every job I can get without a degree is terrible, especially where I live. The main problem is that I need one of these jobs to go to college and get a better one. I would kill to be able to do what I love for a living instead, but the way the world is going, it seems like I might just have to keep suffering. Maybe one day, I'll get to where I hope to be. I just hate to mess up, partially because of how I was raised. Nothing ever seemed to be quite enough. That, and anxiety, depressive tendencies, embarrassment, etc. Every little failure and setback will shatter me like an expensive vase, and it takes forever for me to gather all the peices and put them back together. That's another reason I can't go too easy on myself. It takes so long to recover. Maybe I'll get stronger though. Maybe one day I'll learn to be more resilient and life will be better.
All in all, things like this ask tend to give me a little more hope, no matter how small it is. Again, thank you for your kind words. I wish nothing but the best for you as well. I hope your life is good, fulfilling, warm, comfortable, and prosperous.
Cuddle me but don’t touch me?
I know I can’t be the only one here who normally loathes physical contact, but would kill for a cuddle at like 4 a.m. It feels so intense, and you can sort of feel it in the pit of your chest. That feeling of desperately needing someone to hold you as close and tight as they can. Occasionally, it’s enough to push me to tears, Why does this happen? Is it that need for pressure that most neurodivergent people experience? Is it a hidden loneliness that only shows when I’m alone and sleepy? Am I touch-starved? Or is this something else entirely?
Glass Emotions?
Is it normal to feel like just wallowing in your sadness every time the tiniest thing upsets you? Like I know I should just let most things pass and move on and forget about it, but... I could cry and sleep all day instead. My mom got mad at me for smiling and walking around earlier while I was supposed to be doing dishes, and I tried not to cry. It did not work. That interaction sapped almost all of my energy instantly. I wanted to listen to my sad playlist and lie under some blankets, crying for the rest of the day and it took a lot to resist that urge. What the hell is going on and why? Is anyone else like this?