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Ex Jw - Blog Posts
This is EXTREMELY real. I would have people regularly tickle or touch me even if I told them not too. Once a teenage boy around my age essentially chased me becuase I wouldn't let him pat my shoulder and no one said or did anything.
Your wishes and autonomy aren't respected because wittness aren't allowed to be people. Just "one of Jehovah's Wittnesses"...
hate hate hate the jw greeting of physical contact. i dont want to hug 30 plus people every single meeting ugh. even worse is when youre walking past someone and they like squeeze your arm or rub your back like no!! i dont want that!! please!!
to be honest its most not about the touch (though when im already overwhelmed and stressed it doesnt help) but my lack of autonomy.
i feel like i cant say no. i feel like i have to hug everyone and i hate it so much. sure, i could refuse, but i know id be made to feel bad by the jw wanting one.
idk i just wish i could go to a meeting without getting touched for once
After everything with moving away, leaving the cult, graduating, making real friends, and being able to be openly queer... I still miss my parents so much
They treated me awful and still haven't really apologized. They're all sad I'm not in contact with them but have done nothing besides decide "I guess we should stop messaging since they asked us to". This is safer for me but God I want parents. The bond between parent and child and the security of having a guardian to rely on is a privilege ripped away from me.
I love my found family, but wish my biological ones were what I needed and deserved.
You're very right but I gotta point out something insane in this image
WHY IS THE RAINBOW FLAG UPSIDE DOWN?! IS IT SO CURSED IT CAN NOT SAFELY BE DEPICTED IN RELIGOUS MATERIAL? DO THEY OBJECT TO GOD'S PROMISE TO MANKIND THE RAINBOW ??!
at least the watchtower images are still funny
Let's Go Lesbians!
In other news, they’re making what seems to be a new Neeta and Jade series (It has an intro so I assume there will be more coming) and they live together in the same apartment now.
TW MENTION OF SUICIDE
Jehovah's Witnesses used to straight up say you "will not enter paradise" if you commit suicide, but there's a little more leeway on paper now. Sure they won't say "you'll never see your loved one again", but no elder would be caught dead helping you with the funeral. I know of man who was forced to give his own brother's talk/eulogy cause everyone else refused. It's disgusting.
Was anybody else taught that you automatically go to hell if you commit suicide because you aren't "enduring to the end" or is that another specific microcosm of racist, backwater Idaho mormons?
Now that I'm POMO interactions with parents are weird. In a way I'm fortunate that my family is still willing to talk to me, but they still suck as people. Their abusive and continue to misgender me and be manipulative. It was really hard to say that "no, I don't want to meet up rn even for a meal" because I know how many people desperately wish they could have that offer. Even knowing how triggering it would be I almost said yes because I miss my parents. But I guess I more miss having parents I can trust and support me, than them specifically.
For the apostate ask game:
3. Have you gotten emotional support from friends in deconverting/deconstructing? Would you like more support? Have you found any online?
7. Do you like angels or demons?
3. Yes, I have! As I realized I no longer believed I tried to reach out to people outside of my cult to reconnect. I was very surprised about how many people were happy to hang out again, and when I told them my situation were super supportive and understanding! It was so affirming when one of them told me how brave and proud of me they were for leaving. I also found out my closest friend in the cult was also questioning shortly before I formally left. Being able to maintain our friendship and be honest about our experiences has been so nice.
While I was still with my family and PIMO I really appreciated this blog as a way to vent and see others with similar experiences. Now that I'm out of immediate danger, I'm doing a lot of trauma work in therapy. I've got a lot to work on but I think I have sufficient support for now.
7. Oh 100%. Unfortunately Jehovah's Witnesses don't have as much artistic flair with their worship, but other's religious imagery was always seen as taboo. This makes it fun now lol. I'm also very into religious studies. I think the psychology and cultural parts of religion are fascinating now that I've spent so much time dissecting my old faith.
I finally moved out and told my parents I was leaving the cult. Moving was fine i suppose but the phone conversation explaining my stance was much more emotional than I expected.
My parents aren't the type to question their beliefs so I wasn't going to put effort into explaining myself, but they kept pushing. They had preconceived notions that I was just bitter or foolish and kept poking only to have me explain how their bigotry made my life hell. My dad tried to play off the slurs and awful things he said as jokes only to have to come to terms with the fact that I grew up feeling unlovable and disgusting because of him.
Now I'm waiting for them to decide if they ever want to talk to me again. They're crushed but still miss the point. Rather than realizing "homophobia bad" they took "we did homophobia wrong". While I can't say I wanted to spill so much to them, I'm happy that they have to live with what they've done.
I just secured an apartment!
So I finished my college classes recently and spent time looking at apartments. I found one that fits me really well and I'm so excited!
There is so much in my life that's gonna change after this, which is scary, but I'll finally be free. No more meetings, or lying, or dealing with my shitty parents. I might finally be okay, ya kno?
Also I now know about about apartment hunting, so if there are any PIMOs or others who have questions feel free to ask. I had to get help from my parents and they purposely gave me scary information to discourage me from moving. So, if you don't have someone to shoot stuff off of I'm here.
I want PIMOs here to know that there are "worldly people" kinder than you can imagine. Friends you'll gain that aren't conditional in their support. New experiences you never even considered, but that bring you immense joy. Parts of yourself that you'll find and can now let free.
Your life isn't over for waking up, it's about to begin.
It's really crazy to realize that, in a way covid is the best thing that ever happened to me. To be clear, the pain and death caused by the pandemic is in no way worth the small gains it circumstantially brought me but that's why it's weird to think about.
I don't know when or if I ever would have recognized the parental and spiritual abuse I was dealing with, if the pandemic didn't make it more apparent and me less busy. I might not have been able to do my internship that led to my job offer because of the distance and my then lack of a license. I wouldn't have the funds I need to move out unless my internship was virtual and interest was paused on federal student debt. I might have been too scared to leave those I knew in the cult, but because of lack of in person events I was able to mostly distance myself.
Even now it can suck ass. I'm stuck with these abusers nearly 24/7 and can't see anyone who actually cares for me. I'm terrified about getting Covid and increasingly disgusted by the lack of government response. So knowing how all this awful stuff has helped me, and also other people in groups like this brings me a small comfort. It will never be a fair trade but it's something positive.
This image in the latest watchtower is so unhinged. I'm waiting for this to have animated gifs of the words "BUY! BUY! BUY!"
And the fucking 3d modeled Bibles?! It's insane to me for reasons I can't articulate
The amount of times I decided religous trauma related breakdowns/nightmares were "a sign from God" is honestly crazy. How can you connect that you are miserable because of the cult but not reach the conclusion "I should leave".
I feel bad for the non-cult friends I have sometimes because they always ask "How are you :) ?" so innocently. They say they genuinely want to know cause I hold back, and it's nice to have that support. Still, it feels bad to always have a new horrible thing happen that's shaken you.
Sure I'm growing so much as a person and I love that, but I'm also dealing with my parents increasingly abusive behavior and struggling to organize my escape plan. All anyone can really do is say "It will get better!" Truely I believe that too, yet I still have to suffer now and I cant make myself ignore it anymore. I'm tired of being miserable no matter what I do. Everything that can be done has been, so now I helplessly flounder.
Even to this blog, it feels bad to not offer any insight or clear hope. I've seen so many people in similar situations who aren't lucky enough to know they should be done with this in less than a year. I just wish it would stop hurting...
I really do wish people would stop giving me things. It makes me feel very guilty, because I know I’m going to leave them and take some of those things with me. I feel like I’m using them even though I know they’re using me.
Emotions are fun.
Pre-Pandemic
Now
Had a fellow employee at my internship casually mention his husband and it made me so happy! As I learn more about the world I'm forced to deal with the fact that homophobia exists outside of my control group too; they would say the world was evil because others accepted queer people. So when I see evidence that there is hope for me to live my life as myself, I feel better. I start to beleive that I have a future here.
Also graduations were big because they were the only excuse we had to give more elaborate presents. Plus my family would allow non witness family come to those events, it was nice.
Jehovah Christmas- a funny (and hypocritical) family tradition.
Now, I’d like to stress that no, we do not call this event ‘Jehovah Christmas’. While I think suggesting that name would get my sister to laugh- I doubt any of the devout family would be happy about it. Instead it is boringly called ‘The November Party’ but I want to suggest a different name.
This family tradition came about last year, before we locked down fully for COVID. It’s a two day event- one day for gifts, the next for food. With that in mind, it’s more of a Christmas / Thanksgiving combo than a unique tradition.
On the first day, the third Friday of every November, we each (8 of us total) get each other a gift, nothing extravagant but there is no hard price limit. We keep gift bags labeled with our names on a big table, and we all just put our gifts in the bags after wrapped. We all open them, taking turns taking a single gift out of your bag. The following day, my dad and grandma cook a big Thanksgiving-like spread. And then, for the one time a year we do this- we eat together at the big table.
This tradition was obviously born out of a desire to celebrate holidays without really celebrating them. I can’t remember who’s idea it was, though I can assure you it wasn’t mine. While I see the obvious hypocrisy here, I’m not going to bring that up and dash away the chance for my sister to experience that little bit of the holidays. Plus, I love it and wish they had done it when I was a kid.
Anyways, if you and your families had any fun traditions like that, please share them because I’d love to hear.
Every couple years we would have a little Thanksgiving with witness family or "chill brothers and sisters". They would justify it by saying turkey/ham was on sale and we would have a potluck of Thanksgiving food. It was fun honestly, but I remember brothers would have to occasionally call it out on the stage cause so many would do something similar lol.
Jehovah Christmas- a funny (and hypocritical) family tradition.
Now, I’d like to stress that no, we do not call this event ‘Jehovah Christmas’. While I think suggesting that name would get my sister to laugh- I doubt any of the devout family would be happy about it. Instead it is boringly called ‘The November Party’ but I want to suggest a different name.
This family tradition came about last year, before we locked down fully for COVID. It’s a two day event- one day for gifts, the next for food. With that in mind, it’s more of a Christmas / Thanksgiving combo than a unique tradition.
On the first day, the third Friday of every November, we each (8 of us total) get each other a gift, nothing extravagant but there is no hard price limit. We keep gift bags labeled with our names on a big table, and we all just put our gifts in the bags after wrapped. We all open them, taking turns taking a single gift out of your bag. The following day, my dad and grandma cook a big Thanksgiving-like spread. And then, for the one time a year we do this- we eat together at the big table.
This tradition was obviously born out of a desire to celebrate holidays without really celebrating them. I can’t remember who’s idea it was, though I can assure you it wasn’t mine. While I see the obvious hypocrisy here, I’m not going to bring that up and dash away the chance for my sister to experience that little bit of the holidays. Plus, I love it and wish they had done it when I was a kid.
Anyways, if you and your families had any fun traditions like that, please share them because I’d love to hear.
I can't do anything cool for Halloween as a pimo, so behold!
It's my cute jack o lantern self! Here's the link if you want to make one too!
I find it increasingly difficult to put effort into convincing people I'm still a believer.
It used to be a normal and subconscious process for me. You just say what you know you're supposed to and that's the way you will always be. It was casual survival. Now, I'm outgrowing this persona. I feel more and more like an individual who can actively have their own thoughts without guilt, and then having to turn around and restrict that hurts. I spend so much of my time having to listen to their drivel and act like I agree, despite the now obvious logical fallacies and bigotry.
I don't know how much longer I can even let the mask i show my family "be molded by Jehovah".
Another thing that gets me is how they use the growing visibility and acceptance of queer people as the most obvious sign of the world's depravity. Even though, they have no reason to get so upset besides "the bible says it's bad in our outdated translations". Other things like sleeping together outside of marriage should be a similar sin within their rules, but it doesn't hold the same disgust to them. Regardless of what they say, they're obvious bigots.
So when they tried to fearmonger by saying that "they let middle schoolers twist morality with GSA" it wasn't surprising, but I wanted to fucking scream.
Meetings really only exist to encourage my deconversion at this point. I don't know how saying that "feminism making women think they should be fully equal in the marriage is damaging" will make me, an afab person, agree that God knows best lol.
Like no. I don't know about you but I don't want to be in a position where my partner can abuse me without consequence.
Hey reblog this with a weird thing that made you realize you were in a cult, I'll go first.
Commentary channels were huge for me because they had to lay out their evidence and reasoning in a logical way, which is in stark contrast to supposedly well argued religious talks. But especially videoes bashing and explaining multi-level marketing schemes?! They discuss how these groups mislead existing members and their manipulative recruiting methods. Meanwhile I'm there agreeing that this are bad and even cult-like policies while in a evangelical doomsday group like "why is this so familiar 🤔..."
I feel this! Once I started deconstructing a weird thing that happened was that I realized I hated my wardrobe. It's so boring so I want more unique stuff just to express myself. I just know as soon as I move out I will look like a clown lol
“I could make him better” well I could take him shopping at a Spirit Halloween and kiss him with my apostate lips in the makeup aisle while you think we’re doing homework
I've never been in a spirit halloween and I want to so bad! I know its dumb, but the fact that I've been raised with idea that a tacky seasonal store is a sign of the devil makes it spicy I swear.
“I could make him better” well I could take him shopping at a Spirit Halloween and kiss him with my apostate lips in the makeup aisle while you think we’re doing homework
Anyone have PIMO birthday ideas? My birthday day is coming up and while I can't exactly throw a party I want to do something nice in the spirit of rebellion. Especially since this will essentially be my first!
TW: Venting, Emotional Abuse
This time next year I should finally be able to escape my abusive parents and this cult. I'm doing well with my internship and it even got extended, so maybe it will lead to a job. My mom is the main abuser and so my dad and I would always vent to each other, we both wished we could leave. That's why what he said to me yesterday has made me unbelievably angry.
So if you get the job and they let you work remote, do you want to get a bigger place with the family?
Ever since I actually made it clear i would eventually move out he has struggled to accept it. Asking "are you sure you and your mom can never get along?" or "are you going to leave me all alone?" It was manipulative but I knew he was scared and in the past I always indulged their fantasy of me helping support them financially and living together. But for him to say that now, after me sharing my feelings to him frequently and knowing the pain living here brings me. For him to say that knowing we were outside simply because being in those 4 walls with her makes me panic...
I knew he was going to abandon me when I finally left Watchtower, but I still believed he was just my misguided dad. I felt pity, still kinda do. But after this I just can't excuse his behavior anymore. He really fucking sucks if he looks at all the trauma this family has caused me and goes "but is stealing your money still in the cards?"
I'm at a full time internship and I've come to the conclusion I'm not career driven. As a witness who decided to go to a four year university I'm seen as nearly career obsessed because I've simply dedicated time to get a job. Its frankly sacrilegious that I'm working full time as a young adult. When I talk about what I study at all they are uncomfortable and push the conversation to how "Jehovah can use my talents". While people typically won't call me out they are always "concerned". They'll start treating me like a pet project they can 'fix'. This has led to my perception that I must love work, when really, I just dont want to hate my job like most witnesses.