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Humour - Blog Posts
A real [joking] conversation between me and a co-worker yesterday;
Me: Hey, Josh, if I throw salt into someone's eyes, what is it?
Josh: Assault.
Me: I know it's a salt, but what is it?
Josh: *chuckles* I don't know
More favourite tropes:
Character responds to legitimate and urgent concern with reassurances only tangentially related to the thing folks are worried about
Character takes advantage of others’ false assumptions about their skill-set or identity, then when caught out, defends themselves by pointing out how unreasonable those assumptions were
Character’s argument for why they couldn’t possibly have done what they’re accused of accidentally cops to a different, unrelated offence
Character caught doing something suspicious offers an explanation that makes it clear they have a completely different understanding what it is that needs justifying than the person asking the questions does
Character attempts to brazen their way out of a compromising position by pretending to be unaware of an object they’re holding in their hands
Character apparently displays great bravery in the face of overwhelming peril, only for it to become clear after the fact that they had no idea the threat existed
Character reassures others that a particular problem is nothing to worry about by pointing out another, far more urgent problem
Character reveals that they possess some skill or resource that would have allowed them to save the day at any time, but didn’t realise it was relevant until just then
Character threatens a would-be assailant with an innocuous object they insist against all appearances is actually a deadly weapon
Character brightly announces they’ve solved the problem at hand, then proceeds to reveal that they’ve completely misidentified what the problem actually is
Do you wanna be my sugar baby
No bitch, my fam has hereditary diabetes
Conquer the world!
([[[[){ ([[[[){ ([[[[){ ([[[[){ ([[[[){ ([[[[){ ([[[[){
go my isopods!!
You know its bad when the conservatives are sick of this shit
The response to this Ben Shapiro video.
Conservatives are waking up to the grift.
heard porn bots might be following you guys again. sorry about that. but in some good news i have been gaining many new followers who are real stunningly beautiful women. welcome ladies :)
sorry guys, samsara is my fault, I just really love experiences. yeah I didn't know everyone else wasn't enjoying it, my bad
Animal crossing
Y : Animal crossing ? C'est quoi ?
M : C'est un jeu.
Y : est ce que c'est un jeu où chaque fois qu'on voit un animal on dessine une petite croix dessus ?
Sauf s'il y a déjà une petite croix ?
M : *ouvre de grands yeux incrédules* .... non....
Y : Ah non ! Je sais ! C'est un jeu où tout le monde se déguise en animal et court un cross. Comme le cross du collège, mais mélangé avec le carnaval un peu ! C'est ça ?
M : *éclate de rire* oui, c'est exactement ça !
Brèves de dialogues entre Y et M, 18/05/2020
Mat Fauve
Tiens! Puisque tout est foutu,
célébrons ensemble
nos vaines tentatives
— Mat Fauve
You didn't need to call me out like this :(
writers be like ‘i want to write’ but then spend their entire day on tumblr doing nothing
*teleports behind you*
Kimetsu Academy AU, where there's a squeaking coming from the fan ceiling in the chemistry lab and everyone be like "???" "What's that noise?? Is it going to fall??" So Obanai shutting the fan cause it's noisy and disturbing the class.
Then something comes plumping from the fan -- squeaking -- everyone screams and panicking as realisation sinks in at seeing that it's a mice.
Kaburamaru lungs, catches the mice in his mouth and everyone screams louder.
Que Uzui sprinting into the class, shouting and yanking his buff mice from the snake's mouth but unintentionally pulling too hard and flung both Kaburamaru and buff mice from the second floor.
Chachamaru playing with Gyomei outside and sees a snake and a mice in the air -- pounds forward and catches both with his mouth before dashing away into the hallway, catching students and staff off guard.
Gyomei startles, Uzui and Obanai screaming from the second floor.
Chaos. Chaos everywhere.
(it ends with Tamayo bringing back Kaburamaru and buff mice since Chachamaru brought them to her office)
KNY manga spoiler btw
Cursed images of Fumiko and the demon trio
Tell me, is “Forza Ferrari” in the same room with us right now?
"NOBODY IS PERFECT !"
Me:
Pro tip: put the butter in after you just finished using it and it's still hot. Leave it there for a few moments. It'll melt quicker.
You're welcome.
Average pirates by Da Sassy Owl is hilarious. So I decided to make some fanart for it because who doesn't like some pirate owls. #averagepirates #dasassyowl #owls #pirates #drawing #sketch #sketchbook #traditional #mermay #mermay2019 except pirates still #oceanlife right #birds #colourfull #pirateship #boat #sassy #ahoycaptian #humour https://www.instagram.com/p/BxTPkv1l52o/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=12bb9o06jt0mr
Me, seeing a lad dragging something along the floor in town in a plastic packet on a dog leash : what's that
Me getting closer to see the dog leash is attached to a dog collar around a fish : OH
him to his friends : I'm telling you, it's dead vicious
Tumblr being stupid again...
Tumblr, why are you glitchy as fuck. First I can’t see anyone in the notes, now you delete half of a joke when I post it.
Found this in a Young Justice comic and I just
Cassie's line at the very end was probably only funny to me but i still felt like sharing
Btw it is Young Justice no. 48 'A Death in the Family's if anyone wants to find the full comic
Rivalry: Atsumu Pt. 6 (NSFW)
The last thing you needed was to entertain whatever ridiculous emotions Hana had planted in your head. This was nothing—casual, meaningless, irrelevant. So what if Ayumi had her sights set on him? That wasn’t your problem. That wasn’t supposed to be your problem.
You tightened your grip on your bag as you pushed through the thick crowd flooding the hallways after the final bell. Students jostled past in waves, the air thick with chatter and the slamming of lockers, and you kept your head down, determined to get outside, to breathe fresh air, to put as much distance as possible between yourself and whatever stupid feelings were currently threatening your sanity.
You almost succeeded.
Until you caught sight of him.
There, just a few lockers down, leaning lazily against the wall like he didn’t have a care in the damn world—Miya Atsumu.
Your feet slowed before your brain could tell them not to. And when you lifted your gaze, your stomach dropped.
Of course she was there.
Ayumi Tanaka.
Standing far too close, laughing far too brightly, her hand reaching out to graze his forearm like she had every right to touch him.
You should have looked away. You wanted to look away. But your gaze locked onto the scene like a car crash—horrifying and impossible to tear your eyes from.
Atsumu, for his part, didn’t seem bothered. If anything, he looked downright amused, his trademark smirk tugging at his lips, golden eyes glinting with some private joke as he leaned in just slightly, replying with something you couldn’t hear but Ayumi clearly found hilarious.
Your jaw clenched.
It was nothing. You told yourself that firmly. You had no claim, no right, no reason to feel anything other than mild, passing irritation.
And yet—your fingers curled tighter around the strap of your bag, knuckles whitening.
Because he didn’t move away when she touched him. He didn’t look annoyed or uncomfortable. He looked entertained.
And that hot, bitter feeling you refused to name burned a little brighter.
You stood frozen for a moment longer than you should have—long enough that Ayumi’s laugh floated through the hallway and Atsumu’s eyes, lazy and unbothered, drifted up—
And met yours.
The second your gazes collided, it was like being struck.
His smirk faltered. Just slightly. But enough.
Your breath caught.
You whipped your head away, face burning, shoving your way through the crowd with sudden, frantic urgency.
God. What the hell was wrong with you?
You ducked your head and walked faster, heart pounding in your ears, as if you could outrun the flush creeping up your neck. As if you could outrun the way your chest was tight, painfully so, with something ugly and irrational you refused to name.
You weren’t jealous. That would be stupid. Ridiculous. Absolutely insane.
And yet, you could feel the slight prickle of irritation rising beneath your skin, your jaw tightening as you watched their all-too-pleasant exchange. It was short—nothing more than a few words, a soft laugh from her, an amused smirk from him—but it was enough.
Your feet carried you toward the gym building, the familiar path offering some sense of normalcy. Volleyball practice was soon, and you just needed to focus on that, not whatever unnecessary emotions had latched onto you.
But just as you stepped onto the school grounds, a voice cut through the air.
"Hey!"
You barely had a second to react before Atsumu jogged up to you, his usual smirk in place, golden eyes flickering with something far too amused for your liking. His easy stride barely looked like he had exerted any effort catching up to you, as if he knew you wouldn’t be able to outrun him even if you tried.
"Damn, ya bolted outta there fast," he said, tilting his head, watching you closely. "Didn’t even wait for me."
You barely glanced at him, keeping your face carefully neutral. "Didn’t think you’d notice."
His smirk widened, a low chuckle escaping his lips. "I notice a lotta things about ya."
You rolled your eyes, fighting the sudden prickle of heat rising up your spine. "Don’t start."
Atsumu ignored you completely, falling into step beside you, rocking back slightly on his heels as if he were debating something in his head. Then, with an air of mock innocence, he said:
"So, I’m free tonight. If ya wanna hang out."
Your jaw clenched before you could stop it.
"Maybe not tonight, I'm a little busy," you bit out, the words tumbling from your lips before you could think them through. Then, before your brain could stop your mouth from making an absolutely catastrophic mistake, you added, "Why don't you ask if Ayumi Tanaka is free?"
Atsumu blinked, his smirk momentarily faltering. "Why on earth…?" His brows furrowed in genuine confusion—until something in his expression shifted.
And then, his smirk stretched into something completely insufferable.
"Are you jealous?"
Your spine stiffened. "What is there to be jealous of?" you scoffed, but you could already feel the warmth creeping up your neck.
Atsumu wasn’t buying it. "Oh, I dunno," he mused, tilting his head, watching you like a predator playing with its food. "Maybe ‘cause ya got a front-row seat to Ayumi flirtin’ with me and now ya can’t stand the thought of someone else takin’ your place?"
Your teeth ground together, a sharp flash of irritation lancing through your chest. "You're absolutely delusional if you think I’d ever feel threatened by some 2nd-year girl batting her eyelashes at you."
Atsumu let out a short laugh, full of nothing but mockery. "Right, ‘cause ya definitely didn’t look ready to rip her head off earlier."
You exhaled sharply through your nose, turning your gaze forward like you could force this conversation to be over. "Believe whatever lets you sleep at night, Miya. I don’t care."
"Oh yeah?" His voice was taunting, relentless, as he stepped in closer, his shoulder nearly brushing against yours. "Then why’re ya actin’ so weird? Feels like someone’s a little… bothered."
You whirled to face him, scowling. "The only thing that’s bothering me is you and your incessant need to make everything about yourself. Not everything is about you, Atsumu."
"Nah, see, that’s where yer wrong," he shot back, his smirk widening, his eyes flashing with something dangerous. "When it comes to you, sweetheart, I think everything’s about me."
Your hands curled into tight fists, your nails digging into your palms, irritation crawling beneath your skin. He was impossible.
Just as you opened your mouth to snap back, another voice interrupted the moment.
"Oi! What are you two doin’ over there?"
Aran’s voice cut through the air, sharp and expectant.
Your heart lurched as you immediately shoved Atsumu back, blurting, "Nothing!"
Atsumu barely stumbled, laughing as he shot you a look that screamed this isn’t over before turning toward Aran. You, on the other hand, were left standing there, pulse thrumming, trying desperately to ignore the heat still buzzing beneath your skin.
Aran’s eyes flicked between the two of you, his brows furrowing slightly before he shook his head. "Well, practice is startin’. Get a move on."
"Yeah, yeah," Atsumu muttered, still too damn smug as he turned back toward you, the teasing look in his eyes shining.
You glared at him, lips pressed into a thin line, before storming ahead, putting as much distance as possible between you and the walking migraine that was Miya Atsumu.
__
Practice went on as usual, the sound of sneakers squeaking against the polished gym floor, the rhythmic thuds of volleyballs being set and spiked filling the air. Yet, beneath it all, something felt off.
Atsumu, despite his best efforts, was being completely ignored.
And that was entirely intentional.
You were still fuming from earlier, his words grating against your skull like nails on a chalkboard. When it comes to you, sweetheart, I think everything’s about me.
Fine.
If he thought it was all about him, you’d make it impossible for him to think that.
You knew exactly how to get under Atsumu’s skin, how to piss him off in the most excruciating way possible. It wasn’t yelling, it wasn’t fighting—it was silence. He thrived on your reactions, fed off your irritation like it was oxygen. And you were going to starve him of it.
He tried everything. A few jabs at your form when you walked past, some pointed remarks meant to get a reaction, even purposefully setting the ball too high and glancing your way to see if you’d scowl at him.
Nothing.
You didn’t so much as spare him a glance.
The rest of the team noticed. It was impossible not to.
"Since when was she too high and mighty to bite back?" one of the first-years muttered, watching the scene unfold like it was some strange phenomenon.
"Are you honestly complaining?" Hitoshi responded flatly, shaking his head as he bent down to pick up a stray volleyball. "If anything, this is the quietest practice we’ve had in months."
Suna watched with mild amusement, his sharp eyes darting between the two of you. Atsumu, visibly simmering, and you, acting as if he didn’t exist. Fascinating.
By the time practice ended, Atsumu was pissed—more so than usual. The tension rolled off him in waves, his usual post-practice confidence completely overshadowed by the frustration bubbling beneath his skin.
Osamu, ever the observant twin, didn’t miss it.
As they left the gym, Osamu glanced over, catching the permanent scowl etched onto Atsumu. "What’s with your face?" he asked, a teasing lilt in his voice, expecting the usual smart-ass response.
But Atsumu wasn’t even looking at him.
His gaze was locked ahead, fixated on you, watching as you took the keys from Kita, nodding as you prepared to lock up the gym. His jaw tightened, fingers curling into his bag strap.
"Don’t wait for me," he muttered, voice clipped.
Osamu blinked, looking between him and you—you, walking away, completely unbothered. And Atsumu? Absolutely bothered.
Osamu exhaled sharply through his nose, his expression shifting into something vaguely amused before he shrugged. "Alright…?" he said, but his voice held a knowing edge.
He didn’t need to say it out loud.
He had a pretty good idea of what was about to happen.
Atsumu stormed after you the moment Osamu walked away, his footsteps heavy, purposeful, his irritation practically radiating off him. You had just slipped into the supply closet, stacking away the last of the gear, when his gritted voice reached your ears from outside the gym.
"Are ya fuckin’ kidding me?!"
You couldn’t stop the smirk that pulled at your lips. Oh, he was livid.
Taking your time, you walked out of the closet, not bothering to acknowledge him right away. He stood at the entrance of the gym, chest rising and falling, his golden eyes sharp with anger, his fingers twitching at his sides like he was barely holding himself back.
"I’m talkin’ to you," he bit out as you stepped past him toward the doors.
Still, you said nothing.
You pulled the doors shut with a slow deliberation, the sound echoing through the empty gym, and locked them behind you. Then, finally, you turned, meeting his gaze.
Atsumu’s face was furious, his lips slightly parted as if he was trying to rein in everything he wanted to say. His hair was tousled from practice, damp at the edges, his skin flushed from exertion. The way his arms tensed, his stance rigid, the way his breathing came a little too sharp—all of it sent something thrumming hot in your stomach.
The heat only grew when you noticed the way his jaw ticked, his fingers flexing at his sides, like he didn’t know whether he wanted to shake you or pin you to the nearest wall.
You smiled. Sweet. Taunting. "Night. See you tomorrow."
You barely took two steps before his hand caught your wrist, yanking you back toward him. The movement sent you stumbling slightly, your body colliding with his, the force of it stealing the breath from your lungs.
His voice was low, rough, his breath hot against your cheek. "You think I don't know your game?"
You arched a brow, playing it off as coolly as possible, though instinctively, your spine straightened, your back arching slightly, pushing your chest forward. You hated how your body reacted to him, the heat swirling deep in your stomach, and for a split second, the thought flickered through your mind—why am I so turned on by this?
"What game?" you said, your voice smooth, controlled. "I told you I wasn’t free tonight."
Atsumu let out a sharp scoff, his grip on your wrist tightening just enough to make you hyperaware of how strong his hands were. "Bullshit. You’re pissed at me for flirtin’ with that girl."
Your jaw locked, your teeth clenching. But you refused to give him the satisfaction of reacting, so instead, you blinked up at him, expression unreadable, and said, "Are you going to let me go?"
Atsumu didn’t flinch. If anything, his hold shifted, his other hand coming to rest against your waist, fingers digging in just enough to pull you flush against him.
"Do you want me to?" His voice dropped, dark and teasing, and before you could snap back, you felt it—the hard press of his arousal against your stomach.
You gasped, a sharp inhale betraying the last shred of control you had. Fuck.
Atsumu smirked, catching the way your lashes fluttered, the way your body momentarily tensed before you steadied yourself, fighting the reaction. But it was too late—he felt the shift.
Without another word, you glanced around, ensuring the coast was clear before grabbing his wrist and dragging him toward the back of the building.
"Take your pants off," you ordered, voice tight, breathless, already unraveling.
Atsumu didn’t need to be told twice. His fingers worked quickly at his belt, the sharp clink of metal and the rustle of fabric loud in the quiet night. You turned, pressing your palms flat against the rough brick wall, heart hammering against your ribs. Your breath came in uneven bursts, every inhale feeling too shallow, too hot. His body heat was suddenly right there, an overwhelming presence against your back, making your skin prickle with anticipation.
His hands found your hips, large and possessive, squeezing once before slipping beneath the hem of your skirt, his fingers grazing the soft skin of your thighs. With one swift motion, he hooked his fingers into the waistband of your underwear and dragged them down, the night air rushing against your exposed skin, sending a sharp shiver up your spine. The contrast between the cold air and the heat pooling between your legs made you suck in a sharp breath, pressing your forehead against the brick, trying to steady yourself.
"You thought I was gonna fuck that other girl?" His voice was a low growl against your ear, hot, dangerous, all-consuming. "This pussy is mine. Mine alone. You're mine."
Your breath hitched. A spark of indignation flared in your chest, instinct demanding you push back, to scoff, to tell him to fuck off—
But then he was pushing inside.
A sharp gasp tore from your throat, your body jolting forward, hands splaying against the wall as he filled you slowly, deeply, completely. Your nails scraped against the brick, legs trembling as you adjusted to the overwhelming stretch. The sensation was too much, his cock pulsing inside you, pushing against that perfect spot that sent white-hot pleasure sparking through your veins.
Fuck.
Atsumu let out a low, guttural groan, one hand wrapping tightly around your waist while the other braced against the wall beside your head. He was breathing hard, his forehead nearly pressing against your shoulder, like he was barely holding himself together. His fingers flexed against your waist before gripping tighter, his hips pulling back only to slam forward again, forcing another cry from your lips.
"You feel that?" he rasped, his voice rough, unsteady, his pace already picking up. "Ain't nobody gonna fuck you like this. Ain't nobody gonna make you feel this good."
Your mouth opened, but nothing came out except a strangled moan. His hands were everywhere—gripping, branding, making sure you felt him in every possible way. The obscene sound of skin slapping against skin echoed into the night, mingling with your breathless gasps and his sharp groans.
He set a brutal rhythm, pounding into you with a desperation that left no room for thought. Every thrust sent you higher, pleasure knotting too quickly, your body already struggling to hold itself together. His fingers dug into your hips, dragging you back against him, making you take all of him, forcing you to feel just how much he was losing himself in this.
"Shit—" he groaned, his voice nearly breaking. "You fuckin' love this, don’t ya?"
His hand slid down, fingers finding that sensitive bundle of nerves, rubbing tight, punishing circles that had you whimpering, your body jerking forward from the intensity. Your hands clawed at the brick wall, nails scraping against the rough surface as heat coiled in your core, winding impossibly tight.
"There—right there—fuck, don’t stop," you gasped, voice ragged and desperate, each word punctuated by his relentless pace. Your legs trembled beneath you, your entire body taut with anticipation, every nerve on fire.
Atsumu groaned, low and guttural, his hips snapping forward harder, sharper. "Yeah? That’s the spot?" His grip on your hip tightened, holding you in place, refusing to let you squirm away from the overwhelming pleasure. "Feels so fuckin’ good takin’ me like this."
Your head dropped forward, eyes squeezing shut as your body burned under his touch. Every thrust, every flick of his fingers, sent you spiraling closer to the edge. The pressure in your stomach coiled tighter, tighter, until you were gasping, eyes rolling back.
"Tsumu—I’m—" You barely got the words out before your body seized up, pleasure detonating inside you, shattering through every nerve. A sharp cry ripped from your throat, your walls clenching tight around him, milking every inch as your climax ripped through you.
Atsumu cursed sharply, his thrusts stuttering, becoming frantic and sloppy as he chased his own high. His grip on you tightened, his pace desperate, his breath coming in uneven groans until finally—
He buried himself to the hilt, his entire body shuddering as he spilled inside you, his teeth sinking into your shoulder, muffling the wrecked moan that ripped from his throat.
For a long moment, neither of you moved, your bodies pressed together, trembling, still trying to come down from the high. Your own breathing was ragged, your forehead pressed to the wall, your legs barely holding you up. His grip on your hips slackened slightly, but he didn’t pull away—instead, he leaned into you, his breath hot and uneven against your skin, his lips brushing the back of your neck as if he was too lost in the aftershocks to fully regain himself.
And then—
Reality hit.
Your eyes snapped open, your breath still ragged, heart still hammering in your chest. But something was wrong.
A sudden wave of realization crashed over you as you felt the sticky warmth between your legs. Your stomach dropped.
"You came inside me, asshole!" you blurted, twisting your head to glare at him over your shoulder.
Atsumu was still holding onto you, his forehead resting lazily against your back, his grip loose but unwilling to let you go. His chest rose and fell in heavy, sated breaths, completely lost in his own bliss.
It took him a second to even register your words. When he finally did, all he managed was a dazed, "Huh?"
You groaned, your forehead knocking lightly against the brick. "I swear to god—" You sucked in a deep breath, willing yourself to stay calm. "You're buying me Plan B."
Atsumu, still catching his breath, let out a low, breathy chuckle, his lips curling into a lazy smirk. "Babe, I'll buy ya anything ya want if ya let me do that again."
You sighed, exasperated, exhausted, and somehow still too weak in the knees to shove him off you properly. His hands lingered on your hips for a moment longer before finally releasing you, but even as you adjusted your skirt and tried to gather yourself, you could feel his gaze burning into your back.
You refused to acknowledge the way your body still thrummed with heat, the way your legs still trembled, the way your pulse still jumped every time he spoke. Instead, you turned, fixing him with a glare.
"You’re taking me to the pharmacy.”
Atsumu grinned, looking way too pleased with himself. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever ya say, sweetheart."