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Tim: what's the meanest thing you've ever done?
Jason: i know you expect me to say trying to beat you to death that one time, but in the league i once told Damian that Talia was lying about his heritage to manipulate Batman and his actual father was Lex Luthor. so that.
Tim: ?!
Jason: yeah i faked a DNA test to prove it and he believed me for like 4 months.
Tim: holy shit
Jason: to be honest the meanest part was probably putting hair removal cream in his shampoo and convincing him he was going bald due to genetics. he was nine.
Tim: you are my hero. hear me say these words. I. Love. You.
Jason: i know buddy. i know.
Tim: *idly* you know there’s a buzzfeed unsolved episode about you?
Jason: what’s buzfeed unsolved?
Steph: *chokes* there’s a WHAT
Tim, slightly drunk: I told you all that I lost my spleen, but I actually know exactly where it is, because Ra’s keeps it in a jar on his bedside table.
Jason, also drunk: THATS WHAT THAT IS?!?!
Tim: you’ve seen it? HOW HAVE YOU SEEN IT?!
Jason: I had to take Damian to visit Talia at the league!
Tim: AND YOU ENDED UP IN RA’S BEDROOM?
Jason: every time I go there I put an assortment of miscellaneous vegetables in his bedding to convince him he’s going insane.
Tim:
Tim: that’s actually kinda cool.
Jason: it’s the only thing that makes escourting the kid back and forth worth it.
Damian, twelve, Tim and Jason’s designated driver of the evening: I swear mother has assigned you to me like some sort of service dog, Todd.
Jason, nodding: or personal uber.
Tim: come to think of it I have seen you lay your head on him whenever you think he’s anxious-
Jason: HE SAYS IT HELPS-!
Damian: -fucking stay out of it, Drake!
Tim: aight damn
A list of things that are in fact cannon in my own little batfam world
- “Are we getting Jason’ed???” Something you say when you think you’re about to die by the hands of the joker.- Coined by Steph, when she thought she was gonna die at the hands of the joker with Tim. Is now used by everyone.
- WWRHD = What Would Red Hood Do?- was coined by Steph, is now used in every situation possible by every bat kid.
- Evil Baha Blast = The Lazarus Pit- was coined by Duke, when he thought that saying the actual name might trigger Jason. Jason laughed his ass off for about 10 minutes and has not called it by its actual name since.
Will continue this when I come up with more.
Headcanon that Cassandra Cain uses communication cards for when she is overstimulated and can’t get the words out, or she doesn’t quite know the word for it. And Jason snuck a UNO reverse card in with her communication cards and now she uses it unironically and sometimes it doesn’t even make sense.
An equally sleep deprived Tim: go get some sleep, Cass, I’ll patrol.
Cass: *pulls out a fucking UNO reverse card* nuh-uh
*proceeds to knock him out (affectionately) and go on patrol*
———
Some rogue: you’ll never catch me!
Black Bat who cannot be bothered to come up with a response: *pulls out UNO reverse card with no explanation*
Spoiler: *proceeds to drop down from somewhere and onto the rogue* HAHA! UNO REVERSE, BITCH!
———
Jason: Yo mama so fat, her bellybutton arrives home five minutes before she does!
Cass: *pulls out an UNO reverse card*
Jason, who’s been waiting for this day ever since he first put that UNO card in her communication cards: *Smugly pulls out his own UNO reverse card*
Cass, undeterred: *Pulls out a second UNO reverse card that Jason didn’t give her*
Jason, surprised but prepared: *pulls out another reverse card*
This just ends with them having to clean up like over 50 cards because Alfred got cross with them just standing there and throwing cards at each other.
———
Black Bat: *runs out of bat-a-rangs so for the rest of her patrol she just throws UNO reverse cards at rogues and for some reason it works almost as well*
Some random civilian: *records Black Bat just pelting some mugger with UNO reverse cards* What the fuck.
———
Later on some reporter got lucky and managed to shove a microphone in Black Bat’s face before she could grapple off.
Reporter: could you tell us why you have been spotted using UNO reverse cards as rebuttals to villains?
Black Bat: *very slowly hands the reporter a UNO reverse card whilst making intense eye contact with the camera* No.
———
Black Bat and her UNO reverse cards is now a meme.