Batsiblings - Blog Posts

Dick, from another room: Barbara, I swear to GOD I will evescarate you, if you call me that AGAIN!

(Honestly like father like son)

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

Jason: Hey Pixie Boots!

Damian: Call me that again and I will remove your organs in alphabetical order. Any questions?

Jason: Yes, actually. Which alphabet?

Damian: *attacks

If I had any sort of animation ability, I'd redraw this as the Bats doing casual training. Just look at these athletes, they are so amazing! I can't be the only person trying to figure out who would be who, either!

This except like most polyglots they end up knowing certain words and phrases only in particular languages so they've created a weird new bat language. None of them know all of the languages mixed in there fluently. They hear words and understand them but they couldn't tell you which language that word is from.

multilingual batkids. they learn each others languages so they can mix and match. for example:

tim in french: have you figured out how we’re gonna tell b we’re not going to that gala yet?

damian in arabic: no i thought that was thomas’ job?

duke french: me? no jason said he’d do something

jason in arabic: hey don’t drag me into this!

dick in romani: i’m gonna kill him i really i am

steph in russian: who are we killing?

dick in english: ah! nobody! wait i didn’t know you spoke romani

tim in greek: you’re an asshole

jason in english: wait my greek is rusty say it again slowly

tim in greek: you’re an asshole

jason: …. you motherfucker

cass signing: nice drawing

damian in chinese: thank you

dick yelling at bruce about something he did

jason in spanish: what language is he speaking right now?

tim also in spanish: uh all of them i think

jason: does bruce even know-

tim: no he doesn’t

I hate canon Bruce Wayne hitting his kids so how does he discipline them WITHOUT abuse?

(where's that post about how anything can be a punishment if you frame it as one)

———————

Dick: *breaks the chandelier while swinging from it*

Bruce: *hands him a broom*

Dick: Yeah that's fair.

Bruce: Also you have to use the Batman plate at dinner.

Dick: Please no, I hate that plate.

Bruce: You should've thought about that before.

———————

Tim: *logs into the Batcomputer without permission*

Bruce: And what do you think you're doing?

Tim: I know I've been benched but I just need to—

Bruce: Sit.

Tim: *sits down*

Bruce: *puts on The Bee Movie*

Bruce: If you insist on being down here while injured, then you're gonna watch this in its entirety.

———————

Cass: *blinks*

Bruce: And you think that's an excuse?

Cass: *blinks*

Bruce: We're going for a drive and I'm picking the music.

Cass: *blinks*

Bruce: Maybe you'll take this as a lesson.

———————

Jason: *causes a crime scene*

Jason: Go ahead, punish me. I'll still be right.

Bruce: *takes out a marker*

Bruce: *draws a mustache on Jason's helmet*

Bruce: It'll wash off in three weeks.

Jason: WHAT?!

Bruce: Actions have consequences.

———————

Steph: *breaks protocol*

Bruce: Go change your cape in the car.

Steph: That's not fair!

Bruce: That's the rule.

Steph: *grumbles and puts on a cape that's a slightly different shade of purple from the rest of her suit*

———————

Duke: *sneaks in after curfew*

Bruce: *flicks the light on*

Bruce: Do you know what time it is?

Duke: I can explain—

Bruce: Yogurt. Now.

Duke: But I don't want yogurt.

Bruce: I don't care. Go eat a cup of yogurt and think about what you did.

———————

Damian: *drops his fork at dinner*

Damian: Fuck.

Bruce: *pulls out a straw*

Damian: You wouldn't.

Bruce: *takes a sip of Damian's drink*

Damian: I hate this family.

Dick, eating off the Bat-plate: You and me both.

How small must the world be for both Bruce and Tim to witness John and Mary Grayson's deaths

Or for 10-year-old Duke to crack the Riddler's puzzle before Batman swoops in and saves the day, long before his powers came into play

Or for Sheila Haywood to leave her son only to end up assisting his killer a decade and a half later

Not to mention the popular fanon concept of Jason knowing baby Damian in the League of Assassins

Now imagine how many other invisible strings could've tied them together

Like what if Tim and Jason went to the same school when Jason was Robin but all they shared was the occasional bump and "excuse me" in the busy halls

Or what if Babs was a tutor and helped an elementary-aged Steph finally understand her homework only for the Browns to cancel after a couple sessions because they couldn't afford it

What if the first person to buy Cass a hot meal was Kate on one of her travels

What if Alfred witnessed young Selina shoplifting groceries but chose to turn a blind eye

What if Jason lived on the same streets as the Row siblings and gave little Harper tips on how to use tools and defend her brother

What if Steph and Duke shared the same school bus, only he sat in the front while she was toward the back

What if the first person to teach Tim how to tie his shoes was Bruce at a gala because Jack and Janet were busy talking to someone important

What if Bette did a DNA test for fun and found a connection in Nanda Parbat but just assumed the results was faulty because she knew her whole family, right?

What if 8-year-old Dick, the day before his parents died, stayed at a cheap hotel near Crime Alley and found 4-year-old Jason wandering alone and said, "I'll be your big brother for tonight"

What if the universe knew they were made for each other and wouldn't rest until they realized it too

Damian: Hey, Grayson?

Dick: What do you need?

Damian: Well, some kids were picking on me today, and not thinking about it, I told Todd.

Dick: Go on...

Damian: He left. I'm worried that he's going to go beat them up or something. Can you go stop him?

Dick: Jason won't hit a child.

Damian: He won't?

Dick: Never.

Damian:

Dick:

Damian:

Dick: *sprints out the door*

A list of things that are in fact cannon in my own little batfam world

- “Are we getting Jason’ed???” Something you say when you think you’re about to die by the hands of the joker.- Coined by Steph, when she thought she was gonna die at the hands of the joker with Tim. Is now used by everyone.

- WWRHD = What Would Red Hood Do?- was coined by Steph, is now used in every situation possible by every bat kid.

- Evil Baha Blast = The Lazarus Pit- was coined by Duke, when he thought that saying the actual name might trigger Jason. Jason laughed his ass off for about 10 minutes and has not called it by its actual name since.

Will continue this when I come up with more.

after some seconds of blank silence Tim comes in

Tim: it's too low, his voice is too low and the growling keeps messing with it, the voice changer sounded too strange, so for that we are giving to people the excuse of a sore throat Dick: yes, that Diana: *blinks* Diana: ...ok?

Bruce gets a bad concussion with the JL, it's how his identity is revealed. Bc he can't stop talking in his bruice voice and he doesn't know he's doing it (like those people who hit their head and getaway accent)

can we do it the other way round where bruce has an unskippable wayne event he has to go to but he got a concussion day of and now for some reason he can’t drop the batman voice. he just has to go be brucie wayne but while growling menacingly every fucking word and he cant stop. some of the JL are also attending this event as their super personas and they don’t know what to do bcs their old pal brucie wayne is sounding EXACTLY like their coworker batman and eventually dick has to pull them aside and cover for him like ‘ok so dad got caught up in an emergency and we asked batman to cover for him as a favour. he’s wearing a face change technology thingy’

diana is like ‘how come you have face changing tech and not voice changing tech?’ and dick just stares at her for a really long time bcs he truly does not know what to do

A list of things that are in fact cannon in my own little batfam world

- “Are we getting Jason’ed???” Something you say when you think you’re about to die by the hands of the joker.- Coined by Steph, when she thought she was gonna die at the hands of the joker with Tim. Is now used by everyone.

- WWRHD = What Would Red Hood Do?- was coined by Steph, is now used in every situation possible by every bat kid.

- Evil Baha Blast = The Lazarus Pit- was coined by Duke, when he thought that saying the actual name might trigger Jason. Jason laughed his ass off for about 10 minutes and has not called it by its actual name since.

Will continue this when I come up with more.

Dick was the last to be adopted, Jason became the black sheep post-resurrection, Tim made himself Robin, Damian was dropped in Gotham after ten years of being kept secret, Cass possesses killer instincts that run counter to Batman's philosophy, Duke is a meta whose parents are still alive (albeit jokerized), and Steph has zero legal connections to the Waynes. All of the batkids have reason to believe they're the only one Bruce doesn't want around and Bruce is unaware of the problem because they don't vocalize it not just out of the usual emotional constipation, but also a deep-seated fear of being proven right. In this essay, I will—

When it comes to mission reports, Damian is the epitome of not showing your work.

Bruce: Damian, what did you do with the Riddler?

Damian: I apprehended him.

Bruce: When, where, and how?

Damian: Yesterday. Crime Alley. Stakeout.

Bruce: Why isn't any of this written down? You have to document it for future case references. You just wrote, "Done."

Damian: Because I'm done.

Bruce: But you're supposed to tell us the steps you took.

Damian: Step one: I did it.

Okay alright so @moonlitceleste bee movie AU where the only change from the normal bee movie AUs is that Jason is VERY scared of bees.

He jumps 3 feet in the air, hits his head, and passes out for 12 hours the first time he meets Pollen.

He wouldn’t leave the covers of Mari’s bed for 3 days after he first met Chloé, aka Queen Bee. He is very scared of her.

Random things the bat kids are afraid of:

Dick: chocking on the grape when he tries to catch them with his mouth.

Jason: bees

Tim: slipping in the shower

Damian: Santa clause

Duke: cutting himself while shaving

Cass: hula hooping

Steph: that she forgot to remove her fork from her leftovers and that the microwave will explode

Barbra: sending a text to the wrong person and then forgetting about it

Bruce: Bats

Alfred: nothing??? Have y’all seen this man??? God herself could go for the neck and Alfred would probably just high-five her