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Yes!
Partly, for me this is an autistic/HSP thing. When I’m talking to someone, I get so much social information from them that I have to interpret (body language, gestures, speech, tone, eye contact). And if I try to follow too many people’s reactions... I can’t process it. It’s totally overwhelming.
It’s easier if I know someone well enough to have ‘shorthand’ for it. So I can talk to maybe 3 relatives, or 1 stranger.
The other part is handling my own internal reactions and processing, which are all pretty conscious and not automatic.
Normal ‘communication’ stuff.
Did they understand what I just said? Do I need to rephrase or explain something?
Their emotional response.
Are they bored? Uncomfortable? Do they want to say something?
What do I need to do to make sure they’re comfy and happy?
My emotional response.
If someone is bored: oh my god insecurity. If I wasn’t totally sure I wanted to say the thing: reluctance and anxiety. If I’m having trouble saying what I mean and they’re losing interest: panic.
This weird sense that I’m ...responsible for their social experience, kinda?
Am I “contributing”? Which way should we go from here?
Like. One person of that is enough to handle. (And that stuff is worse with people I know really well, because I care more about what they think.)
Having this stuff spinning in my head is involuntary. But at least, if I’m in a big group, I can tune out the others if I pick one person to focus on.
Also, trying to people-please with more than one person -- when sometimes people want conflicting things -- and then, you’re trying to weigh whose approval is more important to you -- that’s just ... ugh, Doom Spiral.
when you’re in a group of people, do you ever find yourself interacting with only one person in that group and ignoring the rest?
even if you’re comfortable with most people in the group individually, does that change if you come together as a group?
drive-by advice: find ways to recharge your extrovert batteries without draining your avoidant ones!
here’s a shortcut –
is there stuff that doesn’t involve direct socializing at all, but still lets you extrovert and absorb experiences?
for example
going to a music concert or festival
a sports game
a flea market or farmer’s market
traveling
visiting a public park
eating at a restaurant
driving in traffic
walking through the city
hiking
spending time with animals/pets
expressing yourself creatively
people-watching
reading forums or nonfiction books
and under the readmore, I’ll throw in some questions that might be helpful to think about~ good luck!
try and figure out what types of socializing you like, and what you don’t like. think about the people involved, and the level of personal interactivity:
how many people you’re with
how well you know them
the location
any distracting activities you’re doing
whether you’re doing the activities together (like playing video games against each other) or individually (like studying), interacting actively or passively
is there a pre-decided/built in time limit?
and (very important)
the level of personal connection / vulnerability / visibility while you’re with them
as an extrovert, what makes you feel better? what kind of interactions seem really satisfying to you? (there are different shades of extroversion; there’s no right or wrong answers, the important thing is to figure out what works for you and what you need)
do you need to have a personal discussion with someone in order to feel content? or just talk about random (impersonal) stuff? or casually bump into each other throughout the day? or hang out quietly in the same space?
(also consider, who qualifies? if there’s more than one person, what common traits do they have? how do they make you feel? can you generalize what it is about them that makes them good to spend time with? + who else do you know that fits those traits?)
and with your AvPD:
what kind of stuff makes you super avoidant? (this is hard to think about, but try, even tiny clues are helpful!)
what type of interaction do you really dread? try and identify what aspects of it are contributing: is it being around too many people at one time? too few? people you know very well, or not well enough? the environment – in public vs. semi-public vs. private? settings that discourage talking (movie theater, library) vs. encouraging it (eating a meal together)? what about when you’re at home vs other places?
okay, one more point:
if you don’t currently have anyone to interact with in positive ways, or if meeting people is one of your biggest problems right now, still think about this stuff. try and imagine your ideal situation to socialize in, with all these variables. really picture what you’d enjoy!
and then if possible, go do those things, even if you do them alone.
why? because the kind of person you want to hang out with is gonna be drawn to the same places & activities as you. you don’t even have to “be friends” with them if that’s not what you’re looking for; you can just meet up to {play pool, video games, chess, basketball} or be workout buddies or watch new films or whatever you’ve figured out is what you want. especially if you want someone who’s not invested in forming a Close Emotional Attachment – then you’re basically looking for a person who cares more about {whatever activity}, and they’re probably already there.
plus, even if you don’t (or don’t want to) meet anyone, you still get to do fun stuff that you enjoy! and that generally makes life a little better :>
if you DO want to really make friends with someone -- in the typical sense, with mutual support and trust and sharing feelings -- you can still do it that way! though there are other ways to meet people as well.
but you see it all depends on how you want to connect with people. that’s why, in any scenario, it’s important to figure out what you want and need :)
being extroverted and avoidant fucking sucks
I don’t have personal experience with this, but I’m sure it is and I’m sorry that you’re struggling. And I’m also sure that plenty of others are dealing with the same thing, so know that you’re not alone. I wish you the best!
- Shinji