Trauma - Blog Posts

We LOVE our little trauma boy don't we guys?

He's so cool and hot.... In both ways.

Chapter 7 of Skyborn is out!! Check it out here<3~

https://archiveofourown.org/works/64395973

Guys I've finally risen from the ded and updated the fic. The 3rd chapter is now out!! It's all thanks to that one commenter that I got the motivation to complete it!! Go give it a read :3

Collab: @xerenalikestoread

Chapters: 2/? Fandom: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, Percy Jackson & The Olympians (Movies), Hellenestic Religion Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Kronos/Rhea (Percy Jackson), Bob | Iapetus & Kronos (Percy Jackson), Hestia & Kronos (Percy Jackson), Hestia & Rhea (Percy Jackson) Characters: Kronos (Percy Jackson), Rhea (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), Iapetus (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), Hestia (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore) Additional Tags: Angst, Abuse, Trauma, Psychological Trauma, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Kronos has PTSD, Ouranos is an ass father, Good father Kronos AU, Rhea is an awesome mom, Baby Hestia, Additional Tags To Be Added As Story Progresses Summary:

What if Kronos never ate his children? What if he raised his children as a good father? Alternative Universe where Kronos is a good father.

Martra’s kids live in hardcore mode

Actual parent: Kenyan (can’t take care of herself, much less of her son)

Wine dad: Sylris (gives alcoholic drinks to the child; his intentions aren’t clear)

Great at babysitting: Hiélo (the child wouldn’t be alive without him)

Mediocre at babysitting: Yuno (eats raw meat and offers to the child)

The house is on fire, god is dead: Behati (took the child to an execution and tried to kill the goddess)

Is the child: Ethan (he’s unable to understand how they survive like this)

The only ones following Martra’s culture is Hélio and Yuno; the others are plainly traumatized and traumatizing. Still, as an Earthling, Ethan is horrified by all of this ❤️

(Hiélo would sacrifice himself for Ethan; it’s a rule that all the children are extremely important and have to be cared of to protect their innocence. He still sees Ethan as a child.)

(Auvies eat raw meat; has an intense sweet taste, according to them. Yuno pretends the blood is juice.)

Maivtre,

lukai ínan. Sov panemo vonako fare.

Translated from Martrakoji (my fictional language), it means: “Maivtre, protect us. Don’t bring your wrath.”

As said in some posts ago, Maivtre is the goddess and queen of Martra. “Maivtre” isn’t exactly a name, but a title passed down generation.

The current Maivtre isn’t on her sanest moment of her life, lol. It’s not entirely her fault, tho…

The style was inspired by @astrono77153462, I don’t know what social media cuz I found their drawings on Pinterest.

Sohiel

The Goddess' family composed by Maivtre, Odabrani, and Iskatram.

Meanings

Sohiel [soɦiˈew] = I'm the Fire Goddess' Family

|| Soy [soj] = I am (Spanish), family (σόι, Greek), ancestry (Turkish)

|| Hi [ri] = Fire (Japanese)

|| El [ew] = God (Hebrew)

Maîve + vatre [mʌivʲtrə] = Master/Mother of Fire (French, Greek)

Odabrani [odəbrʌni] = The Chosen One (Croatian)

Iskatram [iskatɾam] = Forged by Fire (Iskovano vatrom, Croatian)



Maivtre’s Blessings

• Maivître's Blood protects us;

• Fire shall not hurt us;

• Earth shall not hurt us;

• Water shall not hurt us;

• Wind shall not hurt us;

• All diseases shall not prevail;

• All wounds shall not prevail;

• Our souls are forged by fire;

Rules

• Maivtre can have only one child;

• Maivtre's child must be female;

• Iskatram must be engaged before turning into Maivtre;

• Maivtre can help to decide an Odabrani to Iskatram, but only Iskatram can choose it definetely.

• Odabrani is considered Maivtre’s Voice.

• Odabrani's existence is totally dependent on Maivtre. Otherwise, he's useless and discarded.

My mother once told me that she would have dreams that she was attacking and yelling at her own mother.

I did not speak up about the fact that I had these same dreams about her.

It's not your fault that you're struggling so much. A lot of circumstances are not in our control. If you keep running into roadblocks or experiencing limitations, it's not you.

Hello hope you're doing good. Question, if you want to answer: what does catatonia feel like for you? I watched a friend have her first catatonic episode last year and she didn't have a good memory of it afterward. I'd like to get some idea of what goes on there. Obviously if this is an unpleasant topic ignore

There are different types of catatonia and not everyone will have the same symptoms; I dont even have the same symptoms every episode. So my experience is just that; mine.

Withdrawn catatonia feels like being stuck inside my body. I can see and hear everything going on, but I can't react to it as normal. It's kind of as if I'm externally inanimate; I can't move (or can barely move), but if you move my limbs for me they stay in whatever position you put me in. I often get stuck in uncomfortable positions because one of the first symptoms I usually get is abnormal or exaggerated movements (and Im hypermobile so its even worse).

It's very hard to describe the actual feeling that goes with it though. It's like being drugged by your own nervous system. My body feels like lead and all my processes feel slowed. Even though I am aware, depending on the episode and trigger I may be confused and/or dissociated.

But I also experience excited catatonia, which is pretty much the opposite of what I described. I cant slow down. I either cant speak or cant communicate normally. I'll repeat things over and over, I'll do the same movements over and over - which usually ends up with me hurting myself. I feel very panicked when I experience this. It doesnt happen as often as withdrawn type, though. And when I do experience it, its usually a severe episode where I flip back and forth between withdrawn and excited.

For me, withdrawn episodes are usually triggered by stress like - dissociation, anxiety, and trauma. Excited episodes are usually triggered by autistic/schizophrenic nervous system overload. Both can be related to/triggered by psychosis, and there's decent overlap between my catatonic episodes and disorganized speech/thinking episodes.

So yeah. If anyone's ever wondered what it might be like, now you know.

SPOILERS FOR SAM AND MAX: THE DEVIL’S PLAYHOUSE

(Also a rough personal vent based on how much this game resonated with me. Trust me, it’s not for the faint of heart. Warning: contains instances of childhood trauma and the many other mental health conditions it came with)

This game did so much justice for Sam and Max themselves, considering how this game is the first time anyone has seen these two in this multi-layered light since the original was released by Telltale back in 2010. I could go on about how this game has very much given me even more appreciation for Sam, because it has! But I really do want to talk about what was confirmed in this game about Max.

First of all, I love that when we’re in the Museum of Mostly Natural History in the episode They Stole Max’s Brain, we get an exhibit on how “the world will end” which shows a display of a giant monster destroying a city and the scene mechanically rotating into a desolate wasteland where the city used to stand. Mostly because of how well it works as foreshadowing for what was to come, (that foreshadowing also happened in The Penal Zone where Sam and Max first discover the Toybox) which ended up being Max turning into that giant monster that was predicted to bring the end of the world by the end of The Alley of the Dolls.

In the grand finale The City That Dares Not Sleep, when we’re literally inside Max himself, we end up learning his own Super Ego hates him and wants him to die. The Superego isn’t a separate entity, he is very much a part of Max’s own mind. I’m pretty sure every other Sam and Max fan who’s played this game has pointed out Max being as depressed and self-loathing as he is, and hiding it behind his sense of humor and his iconic smile. (He even brings up earlier in The Tomb of Sammun-Mak that he likes to fall asleep to the song “Tears of a Clown” which if you’ve heard of it, it’s 100% because he relates to that song. That’s just more good foreshadowing)

Honestly, I’m just going to say this, this 100% is something I deeply relate to. I’m probably going to vent a lot, but it’s important to understand where I’m coming from. During my childhood, I kept finding myself in these special Ed programs that I hated being in, they never truly felt like they were safe, but I had no choice but to put up with them since as far as my parents knew from the people who misinformed them, kids are completely incapable of truly understanding what is best for them. There were several times where I knew something was wrong with the way my life was, but I couldn’t put my finger on it since I was so young and constantly surrounded by people gaslighting me because I was that young. My autism diagnosis was something I deeply resented because it put me into these programs where I was objectified and told how the way I am and behave is wrong and should behave how THEY instruct me to. A lot of pressure was often put on me to behave with this standard of “perfection”, often leading me to be punished for not perfectly following that standard. I had no choice but to bottle up those imperfections because of the teachers of Special Ed that would constantly watch me like a hawk and sometimes even follow me around when I’m just trying to get on with my school day and get to my latest class in time. It didn’t help that I also kept getting prescriptions for medication that did more harm than good for me. One of the pills caused me to rapidly gain around 20 pounds in the span of a few weeks as a 9 year old, (making Sam pretty damn relatable in his own right too.) and another prescription REALLY messed with my brain. (If you want an example to how I acted on that awful drug, just think about how Lemongrab from Adventure Time was like) All this along with a few other reasons I might bring up someday ended up getting me to first develop suicidal thoughts at age 10. And as soon as that happened, I was taken to a children’s psych ward in a hospital where for some fucking reason, some “responsible adults” thought it would be a good idea to put the kid that thinks they’re a freak of nature that never should have existed in the first place in to a children’s psych ward made up mostly of kids that were surrendered from their parents for then being drug addicts and committing crimes they’re now in prison for. My much pickier childhood self when it came to the foods I ate (which is something a lot of autistic people are known for diagnosis wise) and the people running the ward didn’t give a damn and I spent my time malnourished lying in bed waiting for myself to starve to death and finally end everything I was going through up to that point. It took my mother INSISTING constantly that she bring food that I like so I could finally be more well nourished. But I can assure you it was hell, a hell I was stuck in for 11 days.

A bunch of other messed up stuff happened too, but I think this information has the gist of why I’m like this. It really wasn’t easy for me to type out, let alone have the nerve to publish on a public site. Honestly, I’d say Sam and Max: The Devil’s Playhouse resonated with me in a similar way Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 did. (If any of you have also seen that movie, you’d know EXACTLY what I mean. What I brought up also made Rocket Raccoon’s story resonate with me as much as it did.)

I’d like to thank the people of Skunkape for remastering this game so more people like me can have access and experience this masterpiece of a game. It was just what I needed now, and I couldn’t be more grateful of it happening!

I hate it when the songs that give me bad mental health also sound so catchy. Like I re-listened to a song that gives me a weird spinning in microwave feeling but it’s a catchy way to explain some of my trauma so-

vacation dump

Fingers smell like death. It carves into your nails, Like your nails carved into them

Smoke in your hair, ashes on your jacket

Was not a murder, But you weren't a killer before tonight.

⚰️Happy Halloween!

They put on a brave face & stepped into the auditorium. Grimly realizing there was no one familiar in the room, they made their way to an empty seat as close to the door, and far from the stand as possible.

They'd decided to give finishing the course their best shot. When he walked in through the stage door however, an overwhelming sense of sickness brushed over them.

They looked at the time. 13:48. Deep breath.

He spotted them in their corner and smiled lewdly. Unwilling to give him the pleasure of defeating them, they waited. Attendance reached them. They stared at it for a moment, took their bag, and hurried away.

notalgia is so strange because what do u mean i long for things that remind me of the worst times of my life?

you know how people talk about seeing in black and white and when things are more complicated or nuanced then they say its grey? yeah i kinda hate that. life is so much more than greyscale.

i like to think about life in rainbow thank you very much.

i dont believe that the scale of right and wrong, good and bad, is linear. people are SO complicated and the scope of what is possible is enormous.

when we talk about complex topics like politics, trauma, ethics, diversity and disability there are countless factors to consider. youre telling me that makes it grey??? 😭 nonono that makes it a unique blend of all the colours of the rainbow depending on the persons entire lifes worth of experiences.

this dont mean you can excuse your actions by saying its complicated, it can be complicated and still be wrong this is just about readjusting grey to colours

anyways when someone does something you disagree with, instead of trying to think in shades of grey, consider the endless amounts of possibilities there are to create a unique painting of colours representing this persons experiences.

think in colour peeps 🌈

*cough* @vodozemacc350 *cough*

Bad Seed

Nightmares

Moodboard fills: "Nightmares" - @bingowinteriron

I found this audio and it felt too fitting not to use for them, it is just a sketch rn, but you get the idea

I think you can tell which ones I did first while I wasn't yet tired of drawing

Constantly being surrounded by people who have it worse than you so you don’t realize how bad it is until you mention something offhandedly that you thought was funny and someone looks at you and tells you that the thing you thought was good was actually bad and then you start thinking and remembering how everything wasn’t good at all and was actually very bad

I hate it when people are subtly assholes. I already have an awful time remembering things some days.

That, and my family already thinks I'm weak and useless. My father problems are overtaking my my mother issues at the moment, and I remind her that he's been acting more and more like a dick overtime. I told her months ago, but she brushed it off. Someone asks for context. She tells them it's because I was upset about having to do the dishes...

I'm not a fucking toddler.

I can handle being asked to do fucking chores just fucking fine. The problem is that he would randomly threaten to beat my ass or tell me and my brother that we're fucking assholes and tell us that no one cares about him and wants him to die... The thing is, I did most of the cooking and a good chunk of the cleaning. This rat fucking bastard never bothered cleaning his room, which over time, could've caused us to get evicted.

Not only that, but he'd blame my mother's disability to worm himself out of responsibility until it became an actual issue, then it's suddenly all her fault. Literally fuck both of them. She's not the only person he's hurt and vice versa, but I look fucking insane because I'm the only one (other than the two of them) that's gotten the worst of them.

AND NO ONE IN MY FAMILY EVER FUCKING BELIEVES HOW BAD IT CAN GET.

I hate this shit. I hate having been raised by terrible people. I hate living with terrible people. I'm already at the edge of my fucking rope, partially because of this bastard, but I can't afford to do anything stupid for that same reason. You tell me to hurry up and get a job and then you steal the goddamn car. No one wants to fucking hire me, and you ruin my chances even more. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Even if I do get a normal job that I have to commute to daily, I'll only last so long. There's a metaphorical bomb strapped to my fucking chest and I can only hope I'll have enough money to cover the costs of the fallout by the time it detonates.

I desperately need someone to let me cry into their chest until I can't breathe. Please. I can't take being an adult anymore

It is your responsibility to heal, but you know what? That wasn’t fair. And I want to acknowledge that.

You don’t deserve to have to heal from the things others did to you. You didn’t deserve what happened.

While you do have to do the work to heal, it’s okay to be angry that you have to in the first place. And it’s easy to get stuck on the fact that you shouldn’t have to. And I get that. But please don’t give up. You should heal because you deserve to be the healed you. It’s not fair you have to do it, but you deserve to heal.

anyone else live under the assumption that they’re constantly doing something wrong

Things abusers do to sabotage you from leaving, or ‘Why you can’t just leave’:

Parental

convince you that you couldn’t survive without them and you wouldn’t be able to support yourself or make it out there alone

refuse to teach you survival skills, find excuses like 'you’re too clumsy, you’re not capable, you wont be able to do this’

convince you of 'catastrophic events’ that would take place if you were out there; homelessness, starvation, social rejection, failing at everything, financial struggles, kidnapping, murder

convince you that the world is a scary place and you’d be a failure and dead 'in the real world’

traumatize you to the point where you struggle to get thru the day, which now also makes it seem like you wouldn’t be able to make it on your own

talk you out of finding work, tell you about awful things that would happen to you if you went and found a job, try to make you to 'work for them’ or at least in the close area

if you find work, they claim a part or entirety of your income, making sure you don’t have escape money

regularly make you feel ashamed of not being able to be independant, and letting you know that only people who are able to be independant deserve to have freedom and place out in the real world

guilt-trip you to feel like you owe them caretaking because they raised you, so you’re owing them to stay and take care of them instead of living your own life

Emotional

complain about how 'everyone abandons them’ in order to make you feel like you’re just 'one of the bad ones who betrayed them’ if you think about leaving

every time you try to leave, they overwhelm you with a new incident, sickness or drama that makes it seem like you’re abandoning them in the middle of a tragedy

act overly attached to you, making sure you know that if you left, they wouldn’t know what to do without you, and they’d be heartbroken, but still they refuse to respect your boundaries

convince you that you’re “all they’ve got”, you’re special and unique to them, only you can understand and help them

love-bomb you until you’re attached and bonded to them to the point where leaving feels unimaginably painful because you’d be losing your closest person in the world

begging, pleading, acting like they gave you no reason to leave, promising to change, promising to do anything you’ve wanted to happen for a long time, making you feel like things are just about to get good and like they regret everything bad they’ve ever done

launching an attack on your persona, pointing out every time you did something 'bad’ and insisting that you’re actually the worst of the two, so you can’t blame them for anything

guilt trips; reminding you of everything they’ve done for you and how ungrateful you are, reminding you of all of the nice things you’ve said about them before, asking if it ever meant anything, accusing you of being heartless if you go, of never loving them, of mistreating them, accusing you of being toxic, deciding you’re hurting them on purpose if you leave

deciding you’re leaving because of their specific problem/situation/disability/illness that you’ve always been considerate and supportive about (another guilt trip)

say it’s “your fault they’ll never get better” with whatever you were helping them with

deciding you only want to leave because of your unhealthy trust issues or 'you push people away’ or 'misinterpret things because of your trauma’ and asking you to be honest with yourself

asking you to explain in detail why you feel the need to leave, only to attack your reasoning and explain it all away and minimize it to make it seem like you have no good reason for leaving

tell you that 'nobody will ever love you again’ if you leave

threaten to expose your most vulnerable secrets if you leave

threaten to hurt themselves if you leave

Psychological

gaslight you into doubting whether you’re abused, to the point where you feel like you’re exaggerating, going insane, remembering things wrong, and unsure if the problem is you or them

time an event of abuse specifically when you’re trying to work on something, or you’re immensely stressed and trying to meet a deadline, so you’d be too overwhelmed with fear/anger/grief, and can’t make your work in time

regularly having intense violent or dramatic reactions to your harmless behaviour, making you feel like you can’t predict what they’ll do if you leave or how that could end for you

support your codependency on them, or financially support your addiction, so you feel tied to them and have to go back to them in order to feel normal again

undermine and trash your work, imply or outright say your work is stupid, meaningless, badly done, and not worth doing, trying to discourage you from working

verbally assault you and criticize your work to the point where you start to feel anxious and upset whenever you’re working, making work a trauma trigger for you

punish you for 'lying to them’ if you fail to mention something, making it clear that you will get hurt every time you make any move they don’t like, which makes it even more scary to leave

threaten to make a suicide attempt if you leave

threaten to hurt you if you leave

threaten to report you and try to get you imprisoned for a real or imagined crime if you leave

threaten to have you admitted to a mental institution (or any other kind of institution) where you’ll be even more controlled

threatening your family members, loved ones, friends, and/or pets, saying horrid things they would do to them if you dared to disobey or leave

threaten to find you and drag you back and hurt you if you try to leave

say outright they’re going to kill you if you ever leave, or that they’d rather have you dead than gone

Social Isolation

create insecurities in your behaviour, repeatedly imply or claim you’re too loud, obnoxious, sensitive, crazy, stupid, clueless, demanding, nagging, until you’re worried that everyone is secretly judging you and the world feels against you

take apart your appearance until you feel too insecure and lose confidence in socializing or meeting new people, constantly feeling like you need to 'fix yourself’ first

demean and condemn your personality, appearance, social standing, finances, capabilities, to the point where they decide you can’t do any better than them and you should feel lucky anyone is tolerating you at all

inflict punishments on you for socializing or hanging out with new people; break your things, throw jealous tantrums, ask why they’re not enough for you, go thru your things, rage

violate your privacy and take away things you need in order for them to control when you’re allowed to have them

smear-campaign you; spread lies about what you were like to them so everyone sides with them, and blames you and tells you what to do (exactly what the abuser wants you to do)

turn your family members and friends against you, and make sure they’ll be unnaccepting of you and refuse to help you if you try to leave

Physical

Physically assaulting you if you do something they don’t want you to do, making it clear they’re going to hurt you for any attempt at leaving them as well

Physically assault you if you try, or say you’re going to leave

Inflict injuries on you that will prevent you from working/being independent

Stalking, making it known they can always find you and seek revenge if you dare to leave

Influencing other people to stalk you and let him know where you are and what you’re doing; making you feel like you’re always being watched and always surrendered by their influence

hurt themselves physically if you make an attempt, or even say that you’re leaving

attempt suicide if you make an attempt of leaving

attempt at murder if you try to leave

Financial

create and maintain a financial situation where they are the only one having income, and they’re able to control how much money you get to spend

withhold financial knowledge from you so you’d be clueless about their finances, and managing finances in general (you can’t get an idea of how much money it takes to get thru a month)

refuse to give you your right to keep your money separately from theirs

create financial trouble that you have to solve, taking up all of your savings in the process

take your money without asking, and the amount you’d never consent to, and they give you excuses and pretend it was 'necessary’

accuse you of 'spending irresponsibly’ as an excuse to confiscate or control the money you have on your person (or in your account)

throw a fit if they find out you have any money on you that they’re not aware of/have approved of (if you borrow or win or earn money that they didn’t give you)

make sure you’re overwhelmed with tasks and problems and emotional trauma, to the point where you don’t have a chance to get out and find a job, or go and look for resources for getting out of abuse

stand against you getting more education, or starting any new activities with people around you (making sure you don’t get any social connections that could lead to a job)

get you fired from a job by spreading lies or calling in and harassing the employer about you

forcing you to spend any money they know you have saved up, so you’d have no money to plan escape

It is NOT EASY to leave, and statistically it takes several attempts to leave an abusive situation. Be aware that it’s hard because they’re sabotaging your every step, not because you’re not doing enough. Abusers often wont show their abusive side until they’re absolutely sure that you have nowhere else to live, and no other place to go. All of the things on this list are psychologically damaging, and terrifying to live thru. All of this is abuse. Nobody has the right to tell you this is your fault. Keep trying. Keep fighting.

If you’re struggling to leave an abusive situation, here’s an article on How to Leave an Abuser.

Abusive parents will program you so extensively, that when you’re asked:

‘What have your parents done to you?’

the only thing you know how to answer is:

‘They gave me the roof over my head and clothed me and fed me.’

Because that’s whats repeated to you almost every day of your life to be grateful for, you don’t have the words to describe the devastating abuse and hatred, because they don’t want you to have the words for it. All they teach you to say is ‘I’m grateful and it could have been so much worse’.

That’s how nobody can ever find out about the abuse. They make sure the children won’t know how to answer even if asked.

[image ID: December 7, 2021 tweet by butchanarchy that reads,

If 1 in 4 adults in America truly are estranged from their families it is due to the fact that we have normalized a culture of abuse, not that “cancel culture” has gotten out of hand.

Cutting off someone you have kinship ties with, especially if they are a parent, is not something people do at the drop of that hat or when the mood takes them. It is something that happens when a mutually respectful relationship has shown itself to be impossible.

/end image ID]

skipping the first part because parent

 Desensitizing and normalizing abuse

This person has me seeing a lot of media with abuse in it, and compares it to their behaviour.

This person talks about abuse that is worse than what they're doing, to remind me how good they are in comparison.

I feel like I need to accept their views and be understanding to them or else I am a bad person

I've seen this person act awfully towards other people and I got used to the idea that it's normal and it might be me one day

I know this person thinks horrible things about other people, and I'm scared they'll think the same about me

This person thinks that not being tough and enduring abuse would make me a weakling

This person shows me that being a little rough and violent is just a joke and not a big deal

This person likes telling jokes in which they make fun of someone by humiliating or insulting them, and is convinces me it's just good fun

This person doesn't think their actions would affect someone strongly

This person doesn't seem to feel much guilt when they hurt me, even when I would be horrified to hurt someone else this bad

if someone complains about their behaviour, then that person is called oversensitive, or a killjoy

This person talks about horrible things they've been thru, even when i'm too young to perceive or understand it

This person thinks people who complain about abuse and violence are bad and weak, and just need to endure it and get over it already

This person thinks abuse victims are themselves to blame for participating

This person thinks victims of abuse secretly want it

Guilt-tripping and punishing

I feel like a bad and selfish person if I say no to them

This person explained to me that everyone else does this kind of thing too, and I am stupid if I refuse to do it

This person convinced me if I didn't accept what they do to me I would become spoiled, selfish and rotten, useless person and a burden 

This person says what they do is "tough love" and it's for my own good

I feel like I'm hurting this person if I don't give them what they need (want)

I owe obedience to this person, I am afraid to fail them

I feel if I don't do or think as this person says, I immediately lose all value in their eyes

If I try to resist this person, they compare me to everyone else who hurt them and make me feel horrible about myself

If I say no to this person, I will become useless in their eyes

If I try to resist this person, they will punish me, and start to resent me

No matter how much I resist this person, it makes things worse for me

No matter how much I resist this person, they wear me down and exhaust me until I can't fight them anymore

If I say no to this person, they ask again and again until I say yes, or make me do it by force

I feel too weak to resist them and I think it's my fault

I know I should resist this person, but I feel like they're only one who love me and I can't bear to lose them

I invested so much time and love in this person, I can't bear risking them leave me if I keep resisting them now

If I resist or confront this person, they ignore me for days/weeks and I feel they hate me

I don't feel like I have a choice but to keep doing what I'm told by this person

If I don't do what I'm told, things might escalate into violence and I am too scared to risk it

I'm scared of what they'll do to me, or themselves if I resist

this person explained to me that I'm silly for trying to resist them and what they want me to do is the right thing and I should do it, even if I feel unwilling

this person insists it's not a big deal what they're doing to me and that I shouldn't overreact to it

Isolation and secrecy

I feel uncomfortable telling anyone about what's happening between me and this person in private

I'm scared if I tell anyone, they wouldn't understand, or they would get angry at me for allowing for it to happen

I feel if I told someone, I would be blamed for everything that happened

I don't have many friends or people who would care about me

I'm scared if I told someone, the person doing this to me would make sure I was blamed

I don't want to be disloyal to this person, I know telling someone would make them look bad

I feel like I must keep everything a secret 

this person told me not to tell anyone

this person made threats to me if I told someone

I'm scared of what this person might do to me, or themselves, if I told someone

This person convinced me to get distance from my friends and family, and to not trust other people with anything that happens between us

Rules and terrorizing

I am not allowed to challenge this person, or doubt anything they say. Whatever they say is the truth must be accepted as such, even if I secretly think they might be wrong

I'm not allowed to make this person angry, or I might end up in more pain than I can handle

I'm not allowed to leave or abandon this person, it would make me feel so guilty it would be unbearable

I was allowed to defend myself from this person at the start but I'm forced to give in eventually

I've known this person to do awful things and they might do it to me

I'm aware of how much worse this person could do to me, they keep reminding me to be grateful their behaviour didn't escalate further and how it could

Arguing with this person escalates into insults, humiliation, threats and blackmailing

I'm scared of what this person might reveal to others about me

this person threatened to commit suicide or hurt/murder me if resist

I feel cornered and obliged to go along with this person's demands, to consider otherwise fills me with terror and guilt

I'm terrified of being abandoned by this person, even though being with them is very painful as well

I feel guilty about the things I've allowed this person to do to me, but I don't feel able stopping them from doing more in the future

33...its too much

Am I being groomed to accept abuse? Checklist

 This is the checklist for recognizing if you’re groomed into accepting abuse, this checklist doesn’t cover sexual grooming, and for sexual grooming click here. Bold the points that are true for you, italicize if you’re unsure. Even if sexual grooming isn’t covered here, the same methods are used in sexual grooming as well.

Creating an illusion of bond (this step can be skipped if they’re already a part of family and expect trust by default)

This person makes me feel important and special

This person claims they feel admiration and affection for me because of my maturity and intelligence, and that’s why they’re drawn to me even though it might look inappropriate

I am surprised this person would feel anything for me (because of age-difference, they’re a teacher/adult or otherwise authority figure, or because nobody else in my life thinks I’m worthy being cared for)

This person gives me special privileges

This person tells me personal secrets, and I am surprised they trust me with them

This person acts like they already knew me when they just met me, and acts like we’re very close already, even when there wasn’t much time spent together

This person considers me a part of their life very fast and I am flattered by it

This person was very quick to declare affection and love for me

This person shares intimate details of their life with me and I feel special for it

This person makes me feel like they’re the only one who really loves me

This person said they were the only one who really loves me

This person knows things about me nobody else knows

This person makes me feel at ease to talk about my trauma, even when I don’t feel like I could tell anyone else, they don’t judge me

This person seems to think the world of me right away

This person calls me affectionate nicknames that don’t match the length or type of our relationship

This person gives me presents and gifts out of nowhere and I feel indebted and grateful

I feel indebted to this person, even if I didn’t want the gifts they gave me

This person was there for me when no-one else was and I wont abandon them no matter what

This person praises and compliments me for everything I do they want of me, but their praise stops whenever I want to go against their word

Desensitizing and normalizing abuse

This person has me seeing a lot of media with abuse in it, and compares it to their behaviour.

This person talks about abuse that is worse than what they’re doing, to remind me how good they are in comparison.

I feel like I need to accept their views and be understanding to them or else I am a bad person

I’ve seen this person act awfully towards other people and I got used to the idea that it’s normal and it might be me one day

I know this person thinks horrible things about other people, and I’m scared they’ll think the same about me

This person thinks that not being tough and enduring abuse would make me a weakling

This person shows me that being a little rough and violent is just a joke and not a big deal

This person likes telling jokes in which they make fun of someone by humiliating or insulting them, and is convinces me it’s just good fun

This person doesn’t think their actions would affect someone strongly

This person doesn’t seem to feel much guilt when they hurt me, even when I would be horrified to hurt someone else this bad

if someone complains about their behaviour, then that person is called oversensitive, or a killjoy

This person talks about horrible things they’ve been thru, even when i’m too young to perceive or understand it

This person thinks people who complain about abuse and violence are bad and weak, and just need to endure it and get over it already

This person thinks abuse victims are themselves to blame for participating

This person thinks victims of abuse secretly want it

Guilt-tripping and punishing

I feel like a bad and selfish person if I say no to them

This person explained to me that everyone else does this kind of thing too, and I am stupid if I refuse to do it

This person convinced me if I didn’t accept what they do to me I would become spoiled, selfish and rotten, useless person and a burden 

This person says what they do is “tough love” and it’s for my own good

I feel like I’m hurting this person if I don’t give them what they need (want)

I owe obedience to this person, I am afraid to fail them

I feel if I don’t do or think as this person says, I immediately lose all value in their eyes

If I try to resist this person, they compare me to everyone else who hurt them and make me feel horrible about myself

If I say no to this person, I will become useless in their eyes

If I try to resist this person, they will punish me, and start to resent me

No matter how much I resist this person, it makes things worse for me

No matter how much I resist this person, they wear me down and exhaust me until I can’t fight them anymore

If I say no to this person, they ask again and again until I say yes, or make me do it by force

I feel too weak to resist them and I think it’s my fault

I know I should resist this person, but I feel like they’re only one who love me and I can’t bear to lose them

I invested so much time and love in this person, I can’t bear risking them leave me if I keep resisting them now

If I resist or confront this person, they ignore me for days/weeks and I feel they hate me

I don’t feel like I have a choice but to keep doing what I’m told by this person

If I don’t do what I’m told, things might escalate into violence and I am too scared to risk it

I’m scared of what they’ll do to me, or themselves if I resist

this person explained to me that I’m silly for trying to resist them and what they want me to do is the right thing and I should do it, even if I feel unwilling

this person insists it’s not a big deal what they’re doing to me and that I shouldn’t overreact to it

Isolation and secrecy

I feel uncomfortable telling anyone about what’s happening between me and this person in private

I’m scared if I tell anyone, they wouldn’t understand, or they would get angry at me for allowing for it to happen

I feel if I told someone, I would be blamed for everything that happened

I don’t have many friends or people who would care about me

I’m scared if I told someone, the person doing this to me would make sure I was blamed

I don’t want to be disloyal to this person, I know telling someone would make them look bad

I feel like I must keep everything a secret 

this person told me not to tell anyone

this person made threats to me if I told someone

I’m scared of what this person might do to me, or themselves, if I told someone

This person convinced me to get distance from my friends and family, and to not trust other people with anything that happens between us

Rules and terrorizing

I am not allowed to challenge this person, or doubt anything they say. Whatever they say is the truth must be accepted as such, even if I secretly think they might be wrong

I’m not allowed to make this person angry, or I might end up in more pain than I can handle

I’m not allowed to leave or abandon this person, it would make me feel so guilty it would be unbearable

I was allowed to defend myself from this person at the start but I’m forced to give in eventually

I’ve known this person to do awful things and they might do it to me

I’m aware of how much worse this person could do to me, they keep reminding me to be grateful their behaviour didn’t escalate further and how it could

Arguing with this person escalates into insults, humiliation, threats and blackmailing

I’m scared of what this person might reveal to others about me

this person threatened to commit suicide or hurt/murder me if resist

I feel cornered and obliged to go along with this person’s demands, to consider otherwise fills me with terror and guilt

I’m terrified of being abandoned by this person, even though being with them is very painful as well

I feel guilty about the things I’ve allowed this person to do to me, but I don’t feel able stopping them from doing more in the future

If you bolded and italicized 4 or more of the points of any but the first category, you have underwent some form of grooming. If you bolded and italicized more than 25 of the points, you have been thru extensive and extremely malicious grooming. Anyone put thru this would find themselves helpless and cornered, it is not your fault if you’ve been subjected to this, and you did not attract it into your life.

If you bolded a lot of things in the first category, but not the others, and this relationship is still new, be careful because they might start doing the second phase of grooming at one point. (If the relationship between you and this person already lasted for years and never escalated into any abusive or coercive behaviour, you can ignore that advice).