Latest Posts by zella-rose - Page 5
AvPD theory: social dysregulation
Part of Avoidant Personality Disorder is like ... a failure to regulate social experiences. Like we don’t properly integrate or process what we feel.
Interacting with someone means feeling visible, connected, and like you are a self-among-selves: you’re existing as a person, in the presence of others.
Most folks, of course, can handle that effortlessly. They even seek it out.
People need social ‘background noise’ and social stimulation.
They reach out easily and often, just because it feels good to them.
Socializing gives them a sense of comfortable connectedness. And relief from isolation -- they don’t “exist in a vacuum.”
It helps smooth out their inner experiences, thoughts and feelings.
But with AvPD, I don’t think we process social input normally.
The sensations of interacting don’t feel like how most people feel them. Being visible, connected, a person -- it just seems dangerous and harsh.
And we can’t put these feelings into context.
We can’t step back from them, or control how much they affect us.
We don’t have the ability to regulate what we’re experiencing.
That means nearly all social stimuli are negative to us, whether friend or foe. Being-in-contact-with-people is all it takes to distress us.
It’s overwhelming and de-stabilizing.
It provokes more big feelings, and reactions we don’t feel safe facing.
Our inner experience is turned into chaos.
We’re left feeling helpless, afraid, inexplicably ashamed.
We want positive connection. But we usually end up with painful chaos instead.
And it’s a thousand times worse if you’re having an actually negative encounter, like facing someone who’s angry or criticizing you.
Social perfectionism is about trying to escape this:
“I might be able to enjoy this thing... but only if nothing goes wrong ever.”
Perfectionism is a great misdirect. Because “every possible problem” is not the issue that needs solving.
What we need to do, is learn how to experience social input in a positive way. And un-learn all the bad habits that have grown instead.
(more here!)
AvPD theory: social perfectionism
Avoidance as social perfectionism.
“This relationship will be doomed from the start ... so there’s no point trying to make friends.”
“I’ll inevitably say stuff wrong and make things awkward ... so there’s no point in starting a conversation.”
“I might be having a good day, but I won’t always be energetic, clever and likable ... so there’s no point in reaching out.”
These examples share some common links:
negative self-esteem
avoidance of anxiety/discomfort
seeking control and certainty
trying to meet others’ expectations, or avoid disappointing them
Thoughts, anybody?
(more here!)
being soft, gentle and warm is a different kind of radical. the ability to allow yourself to be vulnerable is very powerful
you know, I probably resembled this earlier in my life … I mean, I don’t know much about SZPD, but what you’ve been describing definitely resonates with my experiences
in my case though, I think it was caused by intense, continuous dissociation, from my environment + from my own feelings. (and also, depression – numbness or feeling unaffected by things you used to react to, is a symptom of depression)
but nowadays I am plenty emotional and invested in things, which is nice!
(if anyone's interested, you can read my post about dissociation and self-erasure, or read about what I do to get better in general)
i feel like i may have developed szpd as a way to cope with my avpd symptoms lol…
for me it’s been like i started with anxiety and that got so bad that i just became avoidant and then i became so avoidant that i now just have no emotions and don’t care about anything
stay tuned for the next chapter where i stop being a human completely and turn into a robot
Just want to add:
7 Cups of Tea, the site that has a free “listener” service, also has online therapy. It’s $37.50 per week, billed monthly, which is $150. They do seem to have a more limited number of therapists, but worth checking out!
do you have any advice for someone whose avpd has gotten so bad they've developed agoraphobia? i was supposed to go to college this year but i can't leave the house and i'm just really tired of being like this
Hey.
It sounds like you should talk to a professional about this. It sounds like your agoraphobia is causing you a lot of problems and a professional is going to be able to help you overcome it. You can go to your family doctor for a referral or search online. You should also tell someone about how you’re feeling. A parent or relative, or anyone that can support you.
Sorry we couldn’t be more help. Take care. - Jay.
Sometimes people add the cutest nicest tags to one of my posts, and then I sit there giggling like a dork for entire minutes. I love you too, followers!
It ends or it doesn’t. That’s what you say. That’s how you get through it. The tunnel, the night, the pain, the love. It ends or it doesn’t. If the sun never comes up, you find a way to live without it. If they don’t come back, you sleep in the middle of the bed, learn how to make enough coffee for yourself alone. Adapt. Adjust. It ends or it doesn’t. It ends or it doesn’t. We do not perish.
Caitlyn Siehl (via wordsnquotes)
Listen, all you folks out there with AvPD: you’re amazing.
Every day, against all odds, you show up on my dash.
You live in a world that has taught you to feel unwanted, defective, unseen. But you keep on existing anyway.
You’re all warriors. And you are beautifully fierce.
Don’t listen to the voices – those around you, or within you – that say you’re weak or incapable. You aren’t. Because every single day, you are here, fighting and winning. Even in the moments that feel empty and unnameable, you are learning and growing and gathering strength.
I see you collecting these little things that feed your soul. Assembling the tools you need, for the hard work of staying alive and being well.
You are astonishing, and brave, and powerful. Someday, you’ll carve out a life where you can finally become yourself.
You are real. You matter. And you’re not alone.
I’ll try and respond to this later, I do have Some Things! (but not enough time or spoons to spare, just now)
hey… do any of my fellow avpd-ers have advice on making yourself Do Things that you Really Need To Fucking Do (ie adult things like emails/phone calls) and, on that note, how to explain your avoidant tendencies to people esp authority figures so that you don’t sound like a lazy asshole
Listen, all you folks out there with AvPD: you’re amazing.
Every day, against all odds, you show up on my dash.
You live in a world that has taught you to feel unwanted, defective, unseen. But you keep on existing anyway.
You’re all warriors. And you are beautifully fierce.
Don’t listen to the voices – those around you, or within you – that say you’re weak or incapable. You aren’t. Because every single day, you are here, fighting and winning. Even in the moments that feel empty and unnameable, you are learning and growing and gathering strength.
I see you collecting these little things that feed your soul. Assembling the tools you need, for the hard work of staying alive and being well.
You are astonishing, and brave, and powerful. Someday, you’ll carve out a life where you can finally become yourself.
You are real. You matter. And you’re not alone.
This is really important.
I talk a lot about trauma-based PD’s because that’s what I experience. So I understand that kind the best, and I have some useful thoughts to share.
But it’s not the only kind that exists. And if you don’t have an “explanation” for how your disorder originated, that’s okay. You might not find my writing too relevant -- but that doesn’t make you irrelevant.
You matter, your experiences matter, and you’re still just as welcome here. <3
Shout out to kids with personality disorders whose disorder wasn’t caused by any specific event or a traumatic childhood. Disorders don’t need a specific reason to exist, sometimes they just appear.
I love writing so much, everyone. So so much. This makes 2 good things I've written today, and I just want to cry with how much I feel like a Real Person who, somehow, mysteriously, is "meaningful" and "connected-to-people." (whatever those words even mean? I am sure they must mean something, but I couldn't tell you what) I only started feeling this way recently, I guess, and I've been craving it my whole life, and it's just really big. Really big feelings. Okay!
drive-by advice: find ways to recharge your extrovert batteries without draining your avoidant ones!
here’s a shortcut –
is there stuff that doesn’t involve direct socializing at all, but still lets you extrovert and absorb experiences?
for example
going to a music concert or festival
a sports game
a flea market or farmer’s market
traveling
visiting a public park
eating at a restaurant
driving in traffic
walking through the city
hiking
spending time with animals/pets
expressing yourself creatively
people-watching
reading forums or nonfiction books
and under the readmore, I’ll throw in some questions that might be helpful to think about~ good luck!
try and figure out what types of socializing you like, and what you don’t like. think about the people involved, and the level of personal interactivity:
how many people you’re with
how well you know them
the location
any distracting activities you’re doing
whether you’re doing the activities together (like playing video games against each other) or individually (like studying), interacting actively or passively
is there a pre-decided/built in time limit?
and (very important)
the level of personal connection / vulnerability / visibility while you’re with them
as an extrovert, what makes you feel better? what kind of interactions seem really satisfying to you? (there are different shades of extroversion; there’s no right or wrong answers, the important thing is to figure out what works for you and what you need)
do you need to have a personal discussion with someone in order to feel content? or just talk about random (impersonal) stuff? or casually bump into each other throughout the day? or hang out quietly in the same space?
(also consider, who qualifies? if there’s more than one person, what common traits do they have? how do they make you feel? can you generalize what it is about them that makes them good to spend time with? + who else do you know that fits those traits?)
and with your AvPD:
what kind of stuff makes you super avoidant? (this is hard to think about, but try, even tiny clues are helpful!)
what type of interaction do you really dread? try and identify what aspects of it are contributing: is it being around too many people at one time? too few? people you know very well, or not well enough? the environment – in public vs. semi-public vs. private? settings that discourage talking (movie theater, library) vs. encouraging it (eating a meal together)? what about when you’re at home vs other places?
okay, one more point:
if you don’t currently have anyone to interact with in positive ways, or if meeting people is one of your biggest problems right now, still think about this stuff. try and imagine your ideal situation to socialize in, with all these variables. really picture what you’d enjoy!
and then if possible, go do those things, even if you do them alone.
why? because the kind of person you want to hang out with is gonna be drawn to the same places & activities as you. you don’t even have to “be friends” with them if that’s not what you’re looking for; you can just meet up to {play pool, video games, chess, basketball} or be workout buddies or watch new films or whatever you’ve figured out is what you want. especially if you want someone who’s not invested in forming a Close Emotional Attachment – then you’re basically looking for a person who cares more about {whatever activity}, and they’re probably already there.
plus, even if you don’t (or don’t want to) meet anyone, you still get to do fun stuff that you enjoy! and that generally makes life a little better :>
if you DO want to really make friends with someone -- in the typical sense, with mutual support and trust and sharing feelings -- you can still do it that way! though there are other ways to meet people as well.
but you see it all depends on how you want to connect with people. that’s why, in any scenario, it’s important to figure out what you want and need :)
being extroverted and avoidant fucking sucks
I don’t have personal experience with this, but I’m sure it is and I’m sorry that you’re struggling. And I’m also sure that plenty of others are dealing with the same thing, so know that you’re not alone. I wish you the best!
- Shinji
i just wanted to say that your response to the post about finding a job if you have avpd was so incredibly helpful to me. I was getting really down on myself for not being able to go out and "just get a job" like everyone else, and this trulu helped me. thank you so much for giving me insight and hope for the future. You're awesome (im sorry im shy and on anon)
Aw! You are so welcome, friend. Thanks for taking the time to let me know!
It’s really hard to live in a society that says a person’s value depends on their being “useful” – as if there’s even a way to say someone is objectively useful. Not everyone is able to function that way, and we are still just as worthy as anyone else.
I just want to reassure you (& everyone who struggles with mental health) that Yes, this is super extra hard for us – other people make it look easy *because for them, it IS easy.* If life was a video game, we’d be playing it in “Hard” mode.
We shouldn’t ever be ashamed of our lives. It might not look like other people’s success, but it’s OUR success, and it counts. <3
Hi! Hope you don’t mind if I take a different angle here:
It is absolutely possible to experience some symptoms but not all, and still need and deserve help.
I’m kind of inferring, Anon, so this might not be what you’re talking about. Let me say up front that if you want to pursue an official diagnosis, for any reason, that’s totally fine!
But also?
You don’t have to be diagnosed for your struggle to be valid.
You don’t even have to be diagnosable.
And you don’t have to reach a “bad enough” point before you deserve to feel better.
Our culture puts forward the idea that only some people – people with Real Problems™ – get to have feelings, need help, or spend time trying to be happy. But that’s complete nonsense. Everyone needs to do those things, and everyone deserves to.
It’s okay to recognize how miserable you feel, or admit how much you’re struggling! You’re allowed to care about being happy.
You’re a good enough, real enough, valid enough person already. Your feelings matter. You matter -- and you don’t have to do anything to “earn” that, or to deserve to feel better and be happy.
Now…
Having a name for a specific condition or group of conditions, like AvPD and PD’s in general, is useful because similar problems usually behave in similar ways. (And honestly! So many PD’s have overlap!)
These labels aren’t a permanent stamp of “Here’s What’s Wrong With You.” They exist basically to point you in the right direction – to help you understand what’s happening, and which treatments are likely to help you.
If you relate to the experiences of people with AvPD, then the treatments that help AvPD will probably help you, too. Even if you never meet the official criteria for “having the disorder.”
Maybe you’re just Avoidant-ish … but you might discover that solutions like DBT, self-care, and social support still work really well to help you function and live the way you want.
The most important thing is finding things that work for you. And maybe getting an official diagnosis is part of that process for you. If so, that’s fantastic, good luck! But, it’s not a prerequisite.
You’re allowed to need help at any point, so don’t wait for that moment before you start to work on getting better. We are all learning, growing and trying to take care of ourselves. And you belong here just as much as the rest of us.
<3
is it possible to experience some symptoms of avpd (or any pd) but not all and still have avpd? (it's ok if not, you don't need to spare my feelings haha)
Hello.
Yes and no. It depends what you mean. The current diagnostic criteria states 4 out of 7 symptoms need to be present in order for a formal diagnosis plus the general PD criteria. You definitely don’t need all of them but you do need 4 or more. For more information, visit our What Is AvPD? page.
- Jay.
You can also look for ways to modify the situation to be more comfy for you! It doesn’t have to be the Scary Uncontrollable Situation you may be fearing.
If it’s a party at her house, maybe you can arrange to come early and help her clean, decorate, get snacks ready, etc. Then, even if you decide not to stay for the actual party, you get to hang out with her that day! And you have the opportunity to say happy birthday in person, give her a present, or whatever else you’d like to do.
More pros for getting there early: Would you feel more comfortable if you’re already relaxed in the environment, when the socializing begins? How about if you’re able to meet her guests one at a time as they arrive, rather than walking into a room full of strangers?
If she has any activities planned for during the party, you could also think about helping with those. (Sometimes I find it easier to interact with strangers if I’m Doing A Thing, and not just standing there being a person. “No need to pay attention to me … Pay attention to these drinks/gifts/kittens/goodies!”)
If the party is at a restaurant, where you’ll mostly be seated the whole time, see if you can plan to sit next to or across from her. That way, even if you just sit there quietly and don’t interact with anyone, you can still listen to her talk, laugh at her jokes, and be able to focus on the reason you DO want to be there – your friend!
And no matter what the conditions of the party are – if you go, you can give yourself a time limit, after which you can leave with zero guilt. (You don’t actually have to feel guilty for leaving at any time, but this is a lovely trick when your brain is disagreeing.)
Whether you’re there for 2 hours or 20 minutes, your friend will appreciate getting to see you on her special day =)
So I've been invited to the birthdayparty of my best (and obviously) only friend I have. I really want to go but I'm scared and I don't want to go. You know what I mean? I only know her and noone else. It's hard! When I think about it I wanna curl up to a ball in my bed and never leave it again.
This sounds tough. It is entirely up to you whether or not you want to go, and your friendship probably isn’t in the balance over this decision. I know this feels like the weight of the world, but sometimes it’s good to realize that your friend probably doesn’t feel that way, and if you decide not to go, she won’t hold it against you forever if you explain. And if you’re close, I’m sure that if you explain that you are anxious and unwell, she’ll understand.
An option to try and make up for not going to the party is to set up a date for the two of you to celebrate her birthday privately. That way she knows you care, and that it wasn’t personal that you decided not to go to her birthday party.
But if you do go, there are options, too! You might not know anyone, but you do share a common factor of having the same friend. That can be enough leeway for conversation and interaction. You could also try to stick by your friend and interact through her, although she might be busy because it’s her party. I’m also sure there are other people who don’t know everyone. I can promise that you are never going to be the only person nervous about what other people at a party might think of you.
Whatever you decide, good luck! And I hope it works out and you have a good time with your friend.
- Shinji
a lot of it depends on what you know about yourself! the stressfulness of a job varies SO much from person to person, depending on their abilities and preferences.
I would guess that people with AvPD probably value alone time (it’s restful), anonymity (personal connection is scary), and predictability (if you know what to do, you’re less likely to make a mistake and be criticized).
in general, back room jobs usually involve less face time with people. same with night shifts. stuff like data entry is usually pretty easy and chill, + some jobs like that will be short term, so if you have a hard time quitting, having the endpoint built-in can be a relief.
and if you’re interested in specifically limited-term work and don’t know where to begin, you can look into temp and staffing agencies! they coordinate all kinds of stuff like that, and you can tell them what sort of timespan you’re looking for.
here are some things to think about:
are you more stressed out by social interactions, or having to face things on your own?
can you self-manage? or do you need guidance and support from a boss, partner, or team?
do you learn quickly? how are your executive skills? prioritizing, initiating tasks, staying focused, multi-tasking etc. if these are strong, you might do great working solo (keywords like.. “self-directed” and “independent”)
would you rather interact mostly...
with customers, like in a retail store? (can be very stressful and fast-paced, but you’re basically anonymous from day to day)
or with coworkers, like in an office? (way more predictable and usually slower-paced. but they get to know you over time, so you’re much more visible as a person)
do you like corporate/chain environments, where there’s already lots of structure in place?
there’s generally a clear procedure for changing your hours, quitting, etc. and people don’t take it so personally. and your job is well-defined: you know what’s expected of you
but if having set expectations feels too inflexible and ‘trapped’ for you, then consider small local businesses, or places with very chill management (usually young managers, in my experience)
that’s all the general stuff I can think of ~ so I’m just gonna speak for myself now, and hope the example is useful!
my tactic is to look for jobs that
will put low responsibility/attention on me
involve something I actually like or am good at
and don't set off too many of my anxiety/stress triggers!
for less responsibility and pressure, I personally want to work with a group of other people doing the same job as me -- that way not everything is automatically My Problem, and I can stick to the things I’m good at. it also means I have a better chance of finding someone non-scary to help me and teach me, or to partner with. I can’t handle not knowing what to do, so being (functionally & emotionally) able to ask someone for help is A+.
I gravitate toward working with animals, books, and things I can physically organize or clean. I really enjoy that stuff -- which means it helps me self-soothe throughout the day.
(same with competence!! I feel inadequate and bad at things by default, so getting to do stuff I’m actually good at is really stabilizing and calming for me. but it’s not mandatory.)
I also watch out for things I know I’d dread/probably suck at. I have ADHD and social anxiety, so I try to avoid self-management, fast paced anything, driving, improvising, phone-heavy work, making public announcements and dealing with difficult customers. I generally look for more limited and pre-defined jobs so I know what to expect.
for me, this means even though I’d be fantastic at tech support, I won’t ever apply at a call center (phones! angry people!); with my memory and attention problems, food service would be a total nightmare, and probably so would receptionist work, managing other people, making deliveries, or anything in a very busy environment.
plus, here is a thing that I suspect might be AvPD-specific:
once I’ve had a job somewhere, I feel super anxious and avoid-y about going back there!! ever, for any reason!
it’s really severe (what if I see someone who knows me?? plus all the Shame Memories and associations and visibility agh. this isn’t healthy, but for now it’s where I’m at.) so ~ no jobs at my favorite places, otherwise I may never go back to them, and that would suck.
but on the other hand -- if you can find a place where other people’s normal is close to your normal, you’ll probably feel more at ease. like, book stores are very inviting for people (workers AND customers) who are quiet and not very sociable! gaming stores are super welcoming for geeks! you’ll fit in better if you already resemble the people there. which also means it’s easier to be invisible when you want to.
some things I’m seriously considering right now are
stocking at a bookstore
working at a flower shop or craft store
maybe a maid service or hotel
and I’m realizing that driving is a huge Thing for me, so I’m starting to look at just what’s nearby. that limits my options a lot, but it’s nice to know what my priorities are.
specific job options really depend on your background/skills, what sort of place you live in, etc. (big city vs small town vs work at home, even), but maybe this is a starting point for narrowing it down!
hope it’s helpful =)
do any of you have job suggestions that are fairly low stress? i need to try to get one this summer but i’m Afraid.
if you miss someone who does not miss you, or who is no good for you, or is unattainable, take all the love you once felt for them and spread it around other places. put your love in worthwhile people and things, turn the romance in to passions for hobbies or admiration for others- enrich your own life. focus on yourself and those who actively make you happy.
Anxiety Relief/Calming Gifs
I saw a few people who needed this so here you go. I hope it helps.
You’re ok. I know you’re all stressed out, but try to relax a bit. <3
Anxiety Relief/Calming Gifs: Part 2
This is the most amazing feeling, it really truly is. And when you find a person who gives you that experience, you’ll want to hold onto them forever.
But although you might consider them magical, it isn’t really coming from them. It’s you. You brought something real into world, out into the open, and that is a powerful act. You enabled that moment of truth and vulnerability and healing to occur. It couldn’t have happened without you: your choice, your courage, your presence.
So that person isn’t the only source of acceptance, resonance, and true connection. Because you carry the potential for it with you, every day.
And there are many amazing people in the world. People who will respond with warmth and steadiness to your dark secrets and your truths -- if you can dare to show them.
Learning to receive that from a variety of people is ... difficult. And beautiful, and empowering. It means learning to let them in, to let in the love that’s around you.
avpd concept: I tell someone everything I’ve been too afraid to say my entire life and they don’t think I’m a monster. They don’t run away. They stay. And that means I can finally stop running, too
This is worth doing, no matter what outwardly-visible, culturally-acknowledged things I do or don’t achieve.
This is worth doing just for me.
Oh gosh, that feel. Figuring out when my "back off" anger is appropriate or an overreaction is something I still struggle with.
I almost always check what other people think, to see how my reactions correspond ... But some of the people around me have issues with boundaries, too, so that isn't always a reliable measure. Sometimes, negative stuff gets normalized, and that's hard.
But I'm getting to the point where I'll stick to my own opinion even if someone else says I'm overreacting. Because the thing is, even if something is "objectively" okay, it might not be okay for ME. And my individual needs & preferences are important.
The people in my life should care about and respect what I need. And if they don't want to, that's their shortcoming, not mine.
I’m so wary of people in my life and I feel like they are violating my space and privacy (if that’s true then that’s fucked up???) I can’t tell if I’m being paranoid but it’s causing me so much discomfort that I just want everyone to leave!! me!! alone!!!
tavpdfw youre too afraid to express your honest opinion on something so you keep your thoughts as neutral as possible
i went out to the cinema with my mum and my friend yesterday and i was pretty fine i didnt rlly struggle with it like i thought i would when a few hours before leaving i felt physically ill and extremely exhausted just because i knew it was coming. and now i feel like im spiraling im dissociated and i feel like im faking everything because how can i be mentally ill when i left the house for the first time in weeks and was fine? does it mean im faking?
Hello anon! No, that definitely doesn’t mean you’re faking.
I can think of a couple different things that might explain it.
Anticipatory anxiety
It sounds like your anxiety before the event was worse than it was during it.
Sometimes, the wait before a distressing thing can be much harder than actually going through it. That’s common, and it’s an okay way to feel. (In fact, for me personally, that’s the main way my anxiety presents itself.)
Modifying factors
Maybe you felt comfortable, because your mom and your friend were there.
Maybe you were enjoying the cinema so much, you didn’t feel distressed.
Maybe after all the anxiety beforehand, you were just too exhausted to freak out anymore.
Or maybe you were slightly dissociated – just enough to take the edge off and allow you to function semi-normally.
Symptoms can vary from day to day
The thing about our brains & minds is that they don’t really follow any rules. They just do whatever works best in the moment.
And what works best can vary a lot from day to day. Sometimes it’s easier (or harder) to cope, due to other factors. So your symptoms or issues can fluctuate, too.
That doesn’t mean “nothing’s wrong with you” – it doesn’t mean your mental illness is imaginary, or that it’s disappeared. And it doesn’t mean you’re faking.
It just means that on this day, for some reason that may or may not be obvious, you were able to handle that outing more easily than you expected.
That’s not a guarantee that you’ll always be able to do it so easily, and other people shouldn’t assume it is.
The best we can do is look at our patterns over time, try to understand what conditions are best for us – what we need in order to function best & be happy – and work on feeling okay giving that to ourselves.
Rebound dissociation
Earlier in my life, I’d dissociate under stress.
But in some situations, it was more protective to fawn and comply. So while I was there, I’d act super friendly, engaged and responsive, for hours at a time.
And as soon as I got out of the situation, I’d shut down and dissociate completely. I couldn’t move, talk, or think. Once my stress level was low enough to tolerate, I’d “come down” from the dissociation.
At first, I resisted the shutdown because it was terrifying and silent and awful. But when I stopped fighting it, I found myself recovering more quickly, because I wasn’t adding to the stress. So I started thinking of it as “resting” and “re-stabilizing.”
A similar thing still happens when I get overstimulated by light, noise, or other people’s emotions: I naturally withdraw into myself until I can regroup.
It’s possible you also experienced that during/after the cinema.
You might have been overwhelmed by sensory stuff from being in public, other people’s feelings and reactions, or your own feelings. Or maybe you were just totally exhausted.
Dissociation is a coping mechanism
The important thing to know is that dissociation is a self-protective act. It’s not always the BEST coping mechanism you could use, but it is one, and it works. It shields you from overwhelming feelings until you have the resources to deal with them.
If you’re dissociating, it’s probably because you’re having a hard time right now.
That’s the bottom line. So when you’re ready to take care of your feelings, anything you can do to help yourself feel calmer, comforted, soothed, and grounded, isgoing to help.
It may not feel comfortable at first – after all, when you’re dissociated, it’s because you’re afraid to feel – but if you’re ready to come back to yourself, then go ahead, even though it feels awkward and hard. You’ll be okay.
When you find yourself dissociated, try and be gentle with yourself. Don’t judge or hate on yourself for it. Just be a little nicer than usual. Take care of yourself and your poor stressed-out brain.
You can take a nap, do a nice sensory thing like a scented bath or shower, cuddle with a pet, listen to music that you love, give yourself a hand or foot massage, write in a journal, do a guided meditation, or anything that you find restorative and calming.
Basically, anything that reminds you “hey, sometimes being in the moment actually feels okay.”
Right now, it’s probably really hard, but that doesn’t mean it will be this way forever. Over time, you’ll be able to handle it more easily and comfortably.
Thanks for writing to me, and I hope you feel much better soon! <3
Hey everyone!
So, I’ve been getting a fair number of asks recently, which is great! I love hearing from all of you.
But if you’re waiting for a reply, please understand that I might not get to it for a while. I've been struggling to keep up with the basics lately; even writing my regular posts, although I have a lot to say.
Hopefully things will get better soon, and I’ll get back to it! But in the meantime...
Please remember:
You matter.
You are good enough.
You deserve to be happy.
And you can heal.
If you’re feeling lost, surround yourself with things that remind you of what’s important to you, and people that remind you of who you want to be. Build your inspiration into your life.
Take time for yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Be open to learning.
And at the end of every day, come home to yourself and say hello again.
<3
Yes! This is very important. Those thoughts are coming from your brain because of your brain -- not because of who you are.
Think of all the situations you've experienced in the last year. Think of how many things you survived or accomplished or created. (Seriously, do it!)
Did you feel victorious and strong at the time? That would have been a feeling that was relevant to the situation, caused by the situation.
But a lot of us didn't feel inspired and mighty because of our victories. A lot of us still felt inadequate and fearful and ashamed. We didn't celebrate. We weren't in the moment. Our feelings weren't happening because of our lives -- just because of our brains.
Those are arbitrary feelings. In a way, they’re not quite tied to reality. Because they aren't dependent on what actually happens.
And when you're able to recognize them as such, it's a little easier to think of them as just background noise. “Oh, I’m actually anxious no matter what is happening around me. I actually feel bad about myself no matter how my life is going.”
And that can give you the chance to see what other feelings you may be having, in response to the actual situation.
Emotions are things that live and breathe, flex and bend and run parallel and contradict each other. They’re messy and real. So if how you feel doesn’t actually change with the situation -- something’s probably stuck!
something i need to repeat to myself five billion times: feeling that you’re the worst person in the world is part of a symptom, not some unfortunate, ultimate truth. there is nothing personal about it, despite what your brain may tell you.
Here’s the thing about personality disorders.
Among everyone I know with Avoidant Personality Disorder, I’m one of the happiest, most outgoing, and most emotionally secure.
I have strong, positive, intimate relationships in my life.
I feel comfortable interacting with strangers.
I even make friends easily.
(The secret they don’t tell you is that even when you’re good at it, not everyone is a good choice to try it with!)
But this week, despite all of those things,
I still turned off my phone to avoid a dreaded phonecall.
I was crushed by a moderate disappointment.
I genuinely worry that my friends have stopped liking me, and that I’m not welcome in my social groups anymore (“they’re finally onto me!”).
When someone confronted me about something, even without any overt hostility, I had an anxiety attack before I could respond. And after the conversation I cried in bed, so hard that when I got up, I had tiny fresh bruises around my eyes.
Most days, I have the impulse to take down posts that feel too personal, too confused, too me.
I doubt myself and everything I’m trying to do. Sometimes I still feel like hiding in a closet for the rest of my life would be a better idea.
And I obviously still struggle with all my usual avoidance problems -- like the effort it takes to leave the house.
There are extenuating circumstances, but...
...the thing about having a personality disorder -- or any mental illness! -- is that it’s always there in the background.
It’s usually always under the surface. It can affect everything in your life.
And even when someone seems to be doing really, really well, this is still something they have to be aware of and careful with. Sometimes, if you’re recovering, it feels like it’s always waiting to take over again.
There are always triggers. There are always situations that will prompt a disordered response. Sometimes you’ll be able to choose away from acting on that response, and sometimes you won’t.
And there’s never a time when self-care stops being important.
So if you’re struggling?
Don’t worry. It doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you, and it doesn’t mean you’re worse than everybody else. Because everybody has times where things are hard and awful.
It’s okay to talk about how much it sucks. We all need validation and support.
It’s also okay to deliberately focus on what’s good and what successes you’re having, if that’s helpful for you.
You can even do both at the same time. In spite of all the things I listed up there:
I turned my phone back on and called them back! I used my self-talk skills to cope with the disappointment! I kept showing up to my social group! I had the confrontational talk and survived! I didn’t take down any posts! I learned some things!
Most of us tend to downplay our victories and emphasize our faults and mistakes. Consciously doing the opposite of that can help us change our thought habits.
But mostly:
There’s no wrong way to heal. There’s no wrong way to get better, or learn what you need to learn. And you can get stronger and grow as a person, even when you have lots of bad days.
What works for you is good enough, and that’s all that matters. <3
I can probably help out here =) I’ve experienced a decent range of dissociation, because mine has gotten less intense over time.
So when dissociation is really severe, it can feel like the whole world is dead. You’re completely inert and still. It’s like your consciousness has become just a small floating thing in your head -- not connected to your body, your feelings, your environment, or anything that’s happening around you.
When mine was at its worst, I couldn’t speak. I often couldn’t move, I couldn’t respond to people who tried to talk to me or get me to notice them. I was AWARE they were there... I sort of heard and saw what they did... but I just couldn’t care or engage with them at all. Like watching a movie with the volume on mute. And just being stuck there... helpless to change it.
Over time, though, I stopped needing to defend against my feelings that strongly, and my dissociation eased up.
“Mild” dissociation is kind of like just turning the volume down, instead of muting it entirely.
Nowadays, for me, I’ll realize I’ve been staring off into space, or more often playing a really simple game on my phone (like 1010) for an hour or more. I’ll tune out of my environment somewhat. I normally have a constant monologue of thoughts in my head -- when I dissociate enough, those will go quiet. Sometimes my thoughts go completely silent, sometimes just vague and wordless.
(For me, the effects of my ADHD, sleep disorder and depression can overlap a lot, because they can all make me unfocused and disconnected. So it’s hard to tell exactly what’s what, but hopefully this is still useful for you to hear about.)
When you’re slightly dissociated, input is less demanding. Everything is a little further away, muffled. It matters a little less. It’s easier to go on auto-pilot. It’s much easier to forget things -- often, thoughts I'm having (“oh, I should do this thing”) will just slip away and disappear.
You don’t really care about anything, although you want to; you just can’t. And you probably don’t feel much of anything.
I used to shut down like this (completely!!) every time I got really, catastrophically upset. Then it happened only when I felt threatened, facing conflict etc. or basically when I needed to escape. Lately, it seems to happen when I’m struggling with really powerful emotions, like if I’m very lonely. I can’t turn off the emotion, but I can dampen my experience of it by not really feeling anything.
It also used to last for days at a time, until someone else interrupted it; now it lasts maybe a few hours, before I notice it and act to take care of myself.
So, all this to say: Dissociation can vary a lot, and it can definitely be a lot more subtle than “catatonic zombie”. I know people who function almost normally, and you even wouldn’t realize they were dissociated if they didn’t tell you.
It’s more about how you feel on the inside -- it’s numbness. Whatever that looks like for you.
Hope that helps =)
hi im really sorry if this is annoying or stupid or anything but a while (idk how long) ago you made a post asking whther not getting stuff done is an avpd thing and i just want to say dissasociation and fantasy living can both be symptoms of avpd that might stop people from getting stuff dine in the real world?? idk sorry sorry sorry sorry ignore me
omg thank you for sending me a message it’s not annoying at all i promise dw!!!!
yeah it probably is something to do with that. i’ve been curious about dissociation recently bc i think that might happen to me but i’m still kind of confused/unsure. is there anyone else who has avpd that experiences it that can kind of explain to me what it is/feels like?? whenever i look it up it seems like it’s way more extreme than what i experience.
Levels of relationship, part 2: Safe people
(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder. You can read part 1 of this post here.)
Having a safe person means so much.
When you have a safe person in your life, that relationship becomes really important. Here’s why.
With a safe person, I am welcome. It’s okay to exist.
They’ve demonstrated that they won’t hurt me, even when they have the chance. (They prove this by just literally not doing it, over time.)
They don’t react in the ways that I fear.
They’re consistently kind and supportive of me.
They’re actively considerate of my feelings.
A safe person cares about your feelings.
They really want to know how you feel, and they want to make sure you’re okay. How you feel actually matters to them.
And this is SO important for us -- because with AvPD, we are not good at dealing with our feelings. We’re not good at standing up for them, expressing them -- or even sometimes being aware of them.
So when someone proactively cares about how we feel, and maybe even encourages us (gently!) to open up ... it’s like they’re creating a space where our feelings are OK. It’s OK to have them, and to feel them, and to talk about them. And that’s something I don’t think people with AvPD get to experience much.
This could happen as subtly as you having an anxiety attack, and them acting calm and accepting instead of freaking out. You just get the sense that it’s okay. You’re okay with them.
Because our feelings are “allowed” in a relationship with a safe person, we’re able to let our walls down and let them see who we really are. It may only be a tiny bit of visibility, but it’s often a lot more than we have in any other relationship.
And when they respond positively to our self-revealing, we get emotional affirmation, and we can feel accepted. Which is hugely healing.
When we’re with them, we feel more like a whole person.
That emotional support and acceptance, in fact, is just like what people without AvPD get from their normal relationships.
And that’s why it’s so important to us. We have the same need for acceptance, friendship, and being liked as anyone else -- it’s just so much harder for us to receive it.
So with the rare person who can soften our defenses and let us feel safe being close to them ... that’s a treasure we never take for granted.
A note about dependency
I do think there’s some potential overlap with being dependent on someone (like with DPD or codependency). I became absolutely obsessed with my first safe person, and it wasn’t good for me or for them.
But I also think it's natural to value a “safe person” type relationship very highly, and to want to be close to them, and I don’t think that’s automatically unhealthy. This is just something we need to be aware of, and it’s a good idea to check on boundaries and comfort levels once in a while.
You can have more than one!
Just like people without AvPD can have more than one positive relationship, people with AvPD can have more than one safe person. It’s just equally rare to find a second person you “click” with that way. But there’s nothing automatically exclusive about it, and it can be nice to have more than one person to talk to.
It’s also a spectrum. Each relationship is unique, and it changes a little with every interaction. You might have one safe person who you’ve known for a long time, and then another one you’re still building a relationship with. The important thing is whether you get that sense of emotional support and acceptance from being with them.
And who knows? Eventually, you might just start calling your safe people “close friends” -- because that’s pretty much what they are for us.