Latest Posts by zella-rose - Page 4
Always defend your right to heal at your own pace. You are taking your time. You are allowed to take your time.
Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
Your blog is absolutely fantastic and it's helping me so much you have no idea. Thank you!!!
aww, that really means a lot to me :3 i’m so glad you’re finding it useful. thanks for the message!!
Hey friend, in case no one told you today:
I just thought it may be a good time to tell you that you did great today. Even if things weren’t perfect, you did your best.
I see your hard work and I see how much it took to do the thing. Great job!
I’m really proud of you.
Any advice on how to approach tough conversations with my parents without getting overwhelmed and crying?
-Keep in mind that not every discussion is a fight. It doesn’t have to turn into a fight.
-Think about what you want to say on beforehand. You can write your ideas if possible so you don’t miss any point or get lost within the conversation.
-Tell your parents that you want to talk about something important. Schedule a brief time with them in which they can give you their attention.
-Let them know why talking about that subject is important for you.
-Your emotional well being goes first. If the thing is getting ugly you can ask to pause the conversation and re take it when everybody is more calm (this particular tip has made wonders in the relationship with my mom).
-Keep your voicetone calm but steady. Don’t shout, and try to not get heated. Remember that it’s a conversation. Don’t get defensive even if they do. The outcome might not be what you wanted and that might be frustrating but try to stay calm.
-Some phrases that might help are:
“I would like to know what you think of (the subject)”
“Why do you think that way? What are your concerns?”
“I understand why you say it but I do not agree”
“From my point of view…”
“I would appreciate if you could give thought to (subject)” and negotiate a partial agreement
“I don’t agree with that but I respect your decision/ will support you”
-If things don’t go your way you can always try again when armed with resources.
And even if the outcome isn’t what you wanted I am already proud of you for speaking out. I believe you and support you.
there’s a post in my queue about how to have productive arguments (with your parents, even)
and it got me thinking,
dealing with conflict, and talking to people who (perhaps by definition) disagree with you ... is so so hard and so scary
but / and
it gets so much more ... doable, after you’ve had a few successful experiences.
or even observed someone else succeed in standing up for themselves a few times
it becomes conceivable.
and (this is a thing I’m not sure I can put into words)
realizing, even after the fact, even in a very limited way, that you can make things happen
or that you can change things
or that you can take something that has been a looming, oppressive, guilt-ridden Problem in your Life, and turn it into something that is resolved and stable and no longer a source of stress every day
....... is super empowering. (because! literally! you have power! wow, wait, for real.)
so. yes. just putting this out there:
other ways to experience conflict exist
and, even if you never become fully comfortable disagreeing (or confronting or arguing) with someone,
the way that it currently feels to you (overwhelming, terrifying, surrender-inducing)
is not necessarily the way that it will always feel.
(because, we learn! we grow! and new people teach us new things: new relationships, new ways of being, & of feeling.)
things that are hard, are sometimes still worth doing.
because sometimes you can actually influence what happens ... and not be forced to simply tolerate & adapt to how Everyone Else decides it should be.
it is OK to have opinions! and disagree! it is OK to want things. it is OK to show up, and be visible.
even if in the past, you have learned otherwise, I just want to say:
this is your life, and you are allowed to exist in it.
People always think you gain trust first and then you’re vulnerable with people. But the truth is, you can’t really earn trust over time with people without being somewhat vulnerable first.
Brene Brown (via samxcamargo)
Anytime we drag our past into the future, we have some grieving to do. When we refuse to grieve, it slows us down and robs us from finding our lives.
Stephen Arterburn (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
I feel like narcissistic mothers go together with avoidant children like peanut butter and jelly. Actually, narcissistic mothers go together with a lot of things, kind of like you can have peanut butter and bananas, peanut butter and honey, peanut butter and marshmallow fluff…
I think… one of the interesting things about online messaging and texting is that sometimes, writing out your feelings to someone is actually so much easier than speaking them. Like, I cannot easily express myself through verbal words. I stutter, I panic, I say “nevermind” because I can’t bring myself to admit the words out loud. But with online messaging, I can blabber on the keyboard like a stream of consciousness, and I can express myself to my friends in a way that’s sometimes very hard for me to do irl
Which is why I’m so defensive about this whole belief that face to face communication is more real than online interactions. In a way, yeah, it is, because it’s more literally “real,” and im not at all gonna deny the value in irl relationships. But online communication has genuinely allowed me, a socially anxious person with a fear of opening up, to develop meaningful relationships with people, and you don’t understand how grateful I am for that
Perhaps we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done.
unknown (via samxcamargo)
Sometimes I forget about the magic. Like the moon and red leaves and how the apples grow again and again outside my windows.
Sabrina Ward Harrison (via julesofnature)
i saw this post on facebook and i love it tbh. it helps regulate calm deep breathing.
Mindy is a kind name. Mindy is a peaceful name. It's just soothing to say, even. Mindy sounds like fairy lights and cool breezes and a gentle smile at soft music wafting over the night.
Ah, this made me cry 💜 Thank you
You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact it may be necessary to encounter defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.
Maya Angelou (via recoveryisbeautiful)
Hi, I hope you dont mind me asking you, but do you know anything about agoraphobia caused by avpd? Bc I have avpd and am increasingly becoming more and more scared to leave the house, I cant go to school and yet I have to. Im not sure what to do
Hi there! Sure, I’ll share what I’ve figured out.
What is agoraphobia?
This word is often used for “anyone who doesn’t leave their house.” But it’s actually connected to panic disorder. It’s about avoiding panic attacks, or places it’s hard to escape from – where panicking would be especially rough.
People with agoraphobia feel unable to deal with (or cope with, or ride out) their panic and anxiety. Which is why instead, they try to prevent the attacks by avoiding triggers – staying at home.
So here’s how agoraphobia and Avoidant Personality Disorder are linked.
1. They both rely on avoidance, to the exclusion of any other coping mechanism.
Uncomfortable emotions – fear for agoraphobia, shame for AvPD – get the same solution every time: Avoidance. Anytime we feel bad, we avoid more.
If this goes unchecked, all other coping mechanisms gradually fall away and are forgotten. At first, avoidance seems like the only choice that works; later it seems like the only choice that exists.
This is how people get stuck.
2. They both involve anxiety reinforcement due to avoidance.
In short: The more you avoid something, the more you’ll fear it.
This is a huge part of basically all anxiety issues; it’s why anxiety tends to get worse and worse. Here’s a link (TW for eating disorder mention).
If you avoid something for long enough, doing it feels scary, even if it wouldn’t have been scary otherwise. (Ask me how I know!)
This anxiety builds fast, as soon as you start avoiding something. But luckily, when you start doing the thing again, it decreases quickly too.
3. They both result in withdrawing from the outside world.
There’s a definite tendency to stay at home – for AvPD, too. Why?
I think people feel more able to cope with things, when they’re at home:
There’s no extra embarrassment, no need to hide how upset you feel.
Access to most or all of your best coping resources (like distractions).
(for agoraphobia) Fewer adrenaline triggers – the arousal of your nervous system, which is interpreted/experienced as panic.
(for AvPD) Fewer situations where someone will try to connect with you, risking visibility and rejection.
So when you leave home, you have fewer coping resources to use, and you get more stressors to deal with.
4. They’re both about protecting yourself from an uncontrollable emotional experience.
With both disorders, there’s this terror of being defenseless to your emotions.
People with agoraphobia feel helpless to control their anxiety and panic.
People with AvPD feel helpless to control their shame when criticized.
There’s no way to buffer or shield yourself from what you’re experiencing.
You’re at the mercy of your emotions – they seem out of control.
Being unable to trust your emotions is actually traumatic. That’s why in therapy, one of the things people learn is how to cope with and tolerate their feelings. (DBT specializes in this! Here are some basic lessons.)
Components to think about:
Reliance on just avoidance, rather than a flexible variety of coping skills
Neglect of other coping skills, and other areas of your life/identity
Inertia due to anxiety reinforcement (more avoidance = more fear)
Stuff that seems to help:
Learn how to deal with your feelings. If you can, find someone who will teach you DBT, or study it on your own.
In particular, learn to cope with anxiety. For instance:
breath and relaxation practices,
“worst result, best result, most likely result” reasoning,
planning and preparing for likely outcomes,
reframes: “Today I am practicing. No matter what happens, I’m going to learn something from it. So even showing up is a win.”
Find and try lots of different coping techniques. Experiment!
But – you don’t have to choose the perfect method. Often, what helps you get clarity is the act of stopping to do some self-care.
Identify what your big stressors are.
Look for any adjustments or tools to make it more bearable.
Set aside time, before and after, for self-care.
Start observing yourself.
Don’t judge, just take notes about your reactions to things. There’s no good or bad data – it’s all just useful.
This is especially hard but especially helpful during a crisis. It gives you something to do & focus on – so you don’t feel as helpless.
Getting out of the house is so, so difficult when it’s something you haven’t done in a while. I’m in the same boat, and I’m still figuring it out myself.
Hopefully this gives you some clues about what you’re facing & what you need!
Much love <3
Sorry for being vague. Well, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but they get irritated and sometimes angry because of my sensitivity and how hard it is for me to approach someone and hold a conversation, or do something simple like order food. They tell me that I need to get over it and act appropriate for my age. I want to talk to them about my AVPD so that they might better understand why I act like this and possibly be able to help, or at least not put as much pressure on me
Thanks so much for clarifying! I’m glad you did, because this turns out to be a very different post than I was planning to write.
First of all, here’s some really good clinical descriptions of Avoidant Personality Disorder: Cleveland Clinic, and DSM.
The most fundamental thing:
You don’t experience the world the same way your parents do.
You live in the same world, of course. But the way you perceive, interpret and experience it, is very different. It’s like your brain applies a different filter.
You have certain specific needs, ones that your parents do not have.
That means they can’t rely on “what works for them” as a guide to what will work for you.
(Further, excellent reading: the Usual Error.)
The fact is, certain things are actually harder for you than for most people. And certain things are actually damaging to you, even though they might not damage others.
It’s a real issue. Your parents need to understand that you can’t turn this off.
It got built-in, which is the whole problem; everything grew around it. It’s integrated with your entire personality and the way you exist in the world.
You can’t choose which parts of your life it affects or doesn’t. By definition, a PD harms almost every aspect of your life, whether you want it to or not.
And this fact doesn’t change just because someone is mad at you or is being inconvenienced by your difficulties.
Becoming un-disordered is a very, very intricate and painstaking process, and it does not happen by force.
Personality disorders are complex.
AvPD is part anxiety disorder, part codependency/boundary problems, part emotional dysfunction; and like other PD’s, it’s viciously self-reinforcing.
(Social anxiety could be a helpful frame of reference for your parents. AvPD is like social anxiety, but different & more complex, so it’s tougher to deal with.)
It is very hard to get out of the PD cycle. That’s why every one of us needs a lot of help before we can find our way out.
Personality disorders mean inflexibility.
Part of that is, we take the same approach to all kinds of different problems. Even when a different solution would work better, we cling to avoidance.
Other people can watch us do the same thing over again, even though it was a disaster the last three times, and wonder why we can’t learn.
It’s not that we don’t know how things “should” be, or how we “should” act. We’re already perfectionists! We don’t need you to tell us.
And when people announce that we’re failing, or point out what we’re doing wrong, or how to do it better, that makes it worse.
It directly feeds our perfectionism, our fear of criticism, and our avoidance.
Knowing doesn’t fix it.
It’s not that kind of problem.
That’s why nobody can “snap us out of it” or make us “get over it.”
What we need is, to be given the chance to heal and grow.
We need to be cared for, accepted, and supported.
People with AvPD especially need help to get out of it. Avoidance keeps us in an ever-tightening loop of limited experiences. And then we have fewer opportunities to try new things; fewer chances to become more flexible.
It’s reallllly hard for us to “accidentally” get better.
Recovering from a personality disorder is a process of slowly untangling all the messed-up stuff in our head, and learning good useful stuff to replace it.
It’s kind of like “remedial” emotional education.
This is where therapy really shines – that’s what it’s for. A therapist can teach you about emotions, how to deal with them, and how to get your needs met.
But even further than that …
The relationship you have with a well-matched therapist is a corrective experience for you.
The things that led to this disorder, whatever they were, happened in the dimension of relating to others. You have emotional learning from that. It can’t be changed by thinking about it, or by willpower.
It has to be overwritten, by a new, healing connection with another human being.
Great therapy can do this. Certain great friendships or other relationships can too, if you approach them consciously and carefully.
But again: This doesn’t happen by accident. Your parents need to know that they can’t just ignore this problem and hope it will go away, because it won’t.
If you’re close to someone with AvPD…
… the very best thing you can do for them is make sure they know that you accept who and how they are; that you support whatever they want to do; and you love them unconditionally – there’s nothing they can do that will end your positive regard for them.
And then, prove it in actions. Even when it is not easy for you to do.
Having one little safe corner in our lives can help us cope, a lot.
And, Anon, that sounds like what you’re asking for. Hopefully, your parents will be patient and sympathetic enough to give that to you. <3
(Some more stuff specifically for/about them, under the readmore.)
So, your parents need to know that this isn’t new.
The fact that you’re only now telling them about it, doesn’t mean it just started happening.
This is a thing that has been there for a very long time. It is your “normal.” The only difference is, now you (and your parents) know there is a name for it.
Denying the name or denying that you have any problems …..isn’t going to remove the problems.
Your parents are probably going to have a lot of feelings about hearing this.
It’s hard to learn that your kid is struggling, that they have a real problem and you can’t make it go away. It is normal to wonder if it’s your fault or try to figure out what you did wrong.
It’s OK to have emotional reactions to this news. Absolutely fine.
But your kid needs you to be present with them right now, and they need you to listen to them, and take them seriously.
They need you to believe them.
If you need to go sort out your own feelings about it before you can do that, tell them so, go do that privately, and then come back to continue the discussion once you’re able to be supportive.
Be patient. Try very hard to be open-minded. Be willing to learn.
It is a huge act of trust for them to tell you about this stuff. Don’t let down that trust. Honestly, you’ll probably never get it back.
Here are some typical reactions when somebody finally gets diagnosed, or discovers there’s a name for what they experience (self-diagnosed).
Understandably, when you find out that your problems are a Real Thing, you’re pretty delighted. And you want to share it with the people close to you.
You are like, “yeah, woo! Finally, there is a name for this! There is vocabulary to express how it feels! There are other people who have this thing too! It’s not uncharted territory! I’m not alone!!!”
And then you are like, “Wait. People have gotten mad at me for the things I’ve done because of this problem, and that wasn’t fair. That hurt me. It wasn’t my fault, and I’m not a bad person. I’m not broken or defective. I’m not lazy. I’m not selfish. I’m doing the best I can to survive my own mind.
“How can they complain about getting splashed from standing next to me, when I’m the one getting the bucket of water dumped on my head?”
These are all, totally normal reactions to finally getting a diagnosis/finding words for what you’re dealing with. They are OK to feel; they’re just feelings, not moral judgments; and they are not anybody’s job to fix.
Generally, there’s two basic things you want to hear from your family.
First: “Wow, I had no idea you were experiencing this. That must have been so difficult and lonely. These issues aren’t your fault, and I never should have blamed you for having a hard time doing things. I’m sorry. What can I do to help you now?”
Second: “I am so happy for you! You’ve had to work so hard just to get by, and now you know the reason. Now you can actually figure out how this works and how to have a life and be happy! This is amazing, we are so proud! Tell us how we can support you so you can have an awesome life!”
And then you tell them what you need, which often comes down to: “Right now I just need to be reassured that you still love me, and then I want to discuss this again once I’ve figured out what to ask for.”
It’s a hard adjustment for a family (or a couple, or whatever) to make. And it’s scary, for everyone.
But if everyone remembers to breathe a little, to not assume the worst, and try listen to each other – you can get through it. And it can turn out to be a really good thing.
Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!
Hi there anon!
Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:
What you want to accomplish by telling your parents
What your relationship with your parents is like
Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation?
Help for those who know someone with AVPD
Below are some helpful tips that will help you if you know someone or a group of people who have AVPD!!
•Be careful in conversations, they shut down easily and become self-loathing. Don’t be anxious around them, it is easily sensed and misinterpreted.
•Find an area of common interest to establish a bond of reassurance. They can and will trust a person over a long period time and given enough patience.
•Don’t minimize their feelings or self-doubt, they feel very intensely. Their social distance is often mistaken for a lack of feeling, but in reality they are very sensitive.
•Don’t try to make it better by saying something. Listening is the most effective tool.
•Listen to the words said and not said. Note changes in body language to gauge important points.
•They don’t like conflict, so make the environment as non-confrontational as possible.
•Pay attention to all of what they are saying as they frequently don’t say all of what they mean.
•Ask questions, don’t jump to conclusions or make assumptions. Many times they will think they have said something when they have not.
•They are awkward in social settings so expect it.
•Don’t intentionally put them in uncomfortable environments without prior permission. This is not a person who likes surprise parties.
•They already know they are different so don’t bother telling them. Rather, learn to appreciate their independence.
•They have a tendency to believe that they are more intimate with a person than what might actually be the case. Those married to an APD should be very careful with words and body language as APDs tend to take offense easily to the slightest infraction. They truly see their relationships as having more intimacy than it might actually have.
I hope these help!!!
Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!
Hi there anon!
Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:
What you want to accomplish by telling your parents
What your relationship with your parents is like
Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation? You can write more in asks, submit something or just message me, that works too! (And don’t worry, I won’t publish your username either way <3)
Or if you aren’t comfortable with that, I’ll see what advice I can scrounge up as-is =)
Yes!
Partly, for me this is an autistic/HSP thing. When I’m talking to someone, I get so much social information from them that I have to interpret (body language, gestures, speech, tone, eye contact). And if I try to follow too many people’s reactions... I can’t process it. It’s totally overwhelming.
It’s easier if I know someone well enough to have ‘shorthand’ for it. So I can talk to maybe 3 relatives, or 1 stranger.
The other part is handling my own internal reactions and processing, which are all pretty conscious and not automatic.
Normal ‘communication’ stuff.
Did they understand what I just said? Do I need to rephrase or explain something?
Their emotional response.
Are they bored? Uncomfortable? Do they want to say something?
What do I need to do to make sure they’re comfy and happy?
My emotional response.
If someone is bored: oh my god insecurity. If I wasn’t totally sure I wanted to say the thing: reluctance and anxiety. If I’m having trouble saying what I mean and they’re losing interest: panic.
This weird sense that I’m ...responsible for their social experience, kinda?
Am I “contributing”? Which way should we go from here?
Like. One person of that is enough to handle. (And that stuff is worse with people I know really well, because I care more about what they think.)
Having this stuff spinning in my head is involuntary. But at least, if I’m in a big group, I can tune out the others if I pick one person to focus on.
Also, trying to people-please with more than one person -- when sometimes people want conflicting things -- and then, you’re trying to weigh whose approval is more important to you -- that’s just ... ugh, Doom Spiral.
a question for people with avpd
when you’re in a group of people, do you ever find yourself interacting with only one person in that group and ignoring the rest?
even if you’re comfortable with most people in the group individually, does that change if you come together as a group?
Honestly, from what I’ve read, this general pattern seems almost-typical for AvPD.
We’re good at masks, at acting through situations. We’ve usually learned how to “pass” and seem “good enough” on the surface. That’s so we can escape being noticed for who we actually are -- rather than “how” we can act.
It’s a kind of invisibility. And masks can suffice, until somebody tries looking behind them. (Not because we’re defective and the cat is finally out of the bag!, but because ... when we feel exposed, we run away. Yep.)
This isn’t necessarily the same as social anxiety; different things can make us feel exposed. Like I’m fine chatting with strangers, but people I’m close to? Who expect me to have things to say? Hoo boy.
Also: Yes, I definitely do the “avoid, avoid, oh no it’s too late to choose” thing. Usually by being noncommittal when people ask me to do something. (I should really write a post about that.) I’ve started not doing it, though, which is a real adventure.
Followers & other AvPD peeps, how about it? Do you relate to any of this stuff?
AvPD Pondering Two…
I avoid my problems a lot and lie quite a bit to make myself seem more capable. I know the problems won’t go away by ignoring them, but I always feel like if I can get them to a point of no return then I can deal with the aftermath better than trying to fix the problem. I’d rather face the consequences than fail at trying to right things in the first place. And I do this consciously. Sometimes I wait and see if the issue will resolve itself, and by the time I realize it won’t I’m in Too Deep and I just kind of… let it happen. I don’t know if it’s because then I can tell myself there wasn’t anything I could do about it, or obviously if there had been an easy solution I would have done it, etc?
But then, whenever I see people admit to their short comings I’m like, how do they do that?? And people still like them?! Even after they mess up or have a different opinion or get angry. They are still thought of with as much respect as they were before they did something Wrong. I don’t know why I can’t see how that could be said for me too, but I just can’t. Which means I’m hyper critical of myself whenever I do anything even slightly off. I don’t even like telling people mundane things for fear the ‘facts’ will change in the future and I will have been the deliverer of False News. Even with factors outside of my control. Like if I say something it’s the absolute truth, and if I have to go back on what I said it’s Not Good, but with others it’s fine. I understand mistakes happen, and plans change, it’s just that when I’m the one relaying the message the same logic doesn’t hold. I feel like it’s my fault when I’m misinformed.
And this is the last, and most intriguing to me, point I have for this post before it becomes too long- Is anyone really good at first impressions? I have a lot to write about in regards to how I think I portray myself and how I get through social interactions, but a big chunk of that, that I didn’t understand until now, is that I’m great at first impressions. I’m good at putting on a Face and being relatable and then I’m SUPER good at keeping it superficial. I make better first impressions than my introverted, or shy friends, but they’re better at staying on top of the relationship as it progresses. Because they’re becoming more themselves as they get comfortable and I’m becoming distant as I get uncomfortable.
(I’m actually really interested to see if anyone else relates to the first impressions thing. Because I used to wonder why I could do so well and then fade away every. time. And I finally realized it’s because I don’t want relationships to progress, and I wonder if others do the same? A way to keep people at bay? Because I know a lot of people with AvPD seem to have social anxiety tendencies as well, and are uncomfortable around most people, and I’m not really sure I relate to that.)
It eventually gets better, without any sort of explanation; you just wake up one morning and you’re not as upset anymore.
Unknown (via lucite)
Although don't feel bad if it's been a long time and you're still upset! This is a thing that just happens sometimes; and sometimes it happens after a lot of self work. Either is okay. <3
Hm... I definitely have some dependent traits. But some borderline traits, too, and a few NPD.
(I have a theory that AvPD, BPD and NPD are different expressions of the same core issue. They all circle around a very particular kind of shame, which is why we can all learn a lot from each other. I’ll have to do more research before I can figure out if DPD fits the same pattern though)
I believe I have both avpd and dpd, but it's kind of confusing for me. Do you think that's possible, and if so how do you think a person with both would behave (for comparison to myself)?
I think DPD is confusing for a lot of people, so don’t worry, you’re not alone in that. But AvPD and DPD is actually a really common co-morbidity, as you can see by the data at this link: here. (Beware of Out of the FOG in general, but it’s the only site that has statistical data on these things.) Plus, PDs are most co-morbid with other ones in the same cluster.
Someone with both AvPD and DPD would probably have a pronounced relationship with a “safe person”, I imagine. Who in this case would also be what I think the majority of the DPD community refers to as their “depended”. But while most people with DPD seek validation and dependence from many people, and rely on the opinions of others for whatever they do, I think people with AvPD as well would mainly focus on the one person, and be terrified of engaging with others, even if they wanted to.
But experiences will vary, as they always do. There are a myriad of experiences for any disorder, so matter what the clinical expectation is. Some people suffer from some symptoms more than others.
I hope that helps!
- Shinji
ohh my gosh the notes today?! and the nice comments and messages?! everything is so Meaningful and real, y’all are too sweet, honestly! aaaah avoidants <3
when you realize every action you’ve ever taken has been to make sure you occupy as little space in the world as possible, even your lunch order
AvPD theory: social dysregulation
Part of Avoidant Personality Disorder is like … a failure to regulate social experiences. Like we don’t properly integrate or process what we feel.
Interacting with someone means feeling visible, connected, and like you are a self-among-selves: you’re existing as a person, in the presence of others.
Most folks, of course, can handle that effortlessly. They even seek it out.
People need social ‘background noise’ and social stimulation.
They reach out easily and often, just because it feels good to them.
Socializing gives them a sense of comfortable connectedness. And relief from isolation – they don’t “exist in a vacuum.”
It helps smooth out their inner experiences, thoughts and feelings.
But with AvPD, I don’t think we process social input normally.
The sensations of interacting don’t feel like how most people feel them. Being visible, connected, a person – it just seems dangerous and harsh.
And we can’t put these feelings into context.
We can’t step back from them, or control how much they affect us.
We don’t have the ability to regulate what we’re experiencing.
That means nearly all social stimuli are negative to us, whether friend or foe. Being-in-contact-with-people is all it takes to distress us.
It’s overwhelming and de-stabilizing.
It provokes more big feelings, and reactions we don’t feel safe facing.
Our inner experience is turned into chaos.
We’re left feeling helpless, afraid, inexplicably ashamed.
We want positive connection. But we usually end up with painful chaos instead.
And it’s a thousand times worse if you’re having an actually negative encounter, like facing someone who’s angry or criticizing you.
Social perfectionism is about trying to escape this:
“I might be able to enjoy this thing… but only if nothing goes wrong ever.”
Perfectionism is a great misdirect. Because “every possible problem” is not the issue that needs solving.
What we need to do, is learn how to experience social input in a positive way. And un-learn all the bad habits that have grown instead.
(more here!)
AvPD theory: social perfectionism
Avoidance as social perfectionism.
“This relationship will be doomed from the start … so there’s no point trying to make friends.”
“I’ll inevitably say stuff wrong and make things awkward … so there’s no point in starting a conversation.”
“I might be having a good day, but I won’t always be energetic, clever and likable … so there’s no point in reaching out.”
These examples share some common links:
negative self-esteem
avoidance of anxiety/discomfort
seeking control and certainty
trying to meet others’ expectations, or avoid disappointing them
Thoughts, anybody?
(more here!)