Diary - Blog Posts

Shit weather. Half of the year is a dark hell then spring comes and you feel like a beggar to see some sunlight. I don’t even know why I’m doing this to myself. I actually do know but anyway. I want to go out, scream and swear at everything that led me here to experience this shitty weather right now. But I don’t… Why?? Because we all need to act sane.

I woke up with a horrible neck pain and whatever I do, it doesn’t help. I don’t like to be reminded that I’m not 20 anymore in this way. I feel very numb again, this happens when I think too much about certain stuff. I would never think that the most difficult thing to teach myself will be not thinking deeply.

I had a job interview though and I did pretty good under these conditions. I know I will do good once people listen to me. But it is not common to find people who are willing to hear you. Some act like they do but they just fit you into their own judgements anyway. Such an arrogance…

Weather is okay, sky is bright, sun is shining… This is what we need in the cursed north. Thank you sky god.

My mind makes everything so complicated, analyzing too much. Like I have to do everything so efficiently. I can’t even do groceries if I don’t combine that trip with another task. Even my social interactions must be efficient… I can lay down and watch pointless Youtube videos without paying much attention for hours but when I decide to do something productive my mind has to start complicating it. I know it would be way more efficient if I just do it instead of analyzing it deeply and try to make it more efficient. Sometimes I feel like I’m paralized in my brain. This is so damn tiring and I gotta find a way to stop this.

And here is a very inefficient tree. It has so many flowers and it looks so beautiful but these flowers doesn’t smell. What’s the point of a flower if it doesn’t smell good? I’m not a bee after all. I should try to be more like this tree, I don’t have to do everything perfectly. I’m sure this tree is way more peaceful than I am.

I don’t even know why I’m still doing this, I feel like I will neve rbe able to share anything deep on here even with people who has no idea who I am. At the beginning I thought it will be easy since I’m anonymous but I gotta think about what’s stopping me to get there.

Arthur Morgan is a good motivation. I really like seeing and remembering him everyday. I find so many similar things in him about me. He will stay with me and be a part of my life till I die. A fictional character is way more heartwarming than so many people around me.

I have been very active today out in the garden, repotting my plants, seperating some cactuses, washing the porch and my windows… I’m most satisfied and the happiest when I’m physically working, maybe I should just quit following the path of engineering and become a carpenter or something like that…

The day starts with a grumpy mood and then I suddenly start smiling like an idiot when I see one of these beauties.

I’m aware I still can’t make any move about opening up on here. It makes me think even more. I shouldn’t be afraid of being judged cuz I know whoever judges me have their own issues too even if they don’t who cares? Everyone pretends to be something else than they are, it’s very rare to see tranparent people. Maybe I should think less. Yea, probably I should. I have a silly exam soon in couple of hours, I will think more about not thinking this much after that.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to sell my half-dead beautiful car for an okay price and try to feel good that I didn’t have a big injury from the accident. I gotta repeat that to start feeling greatful so I can go back to my other fights.

I feel a bit numb and mentally very tired, gotta gather myself up so I can keep working on myself to get things better in me as quick as possible. That cognitive empathy issue is still up there and I need my full focus to understand it so I can change the bad effects of it.

I have made two assignments in one day for my classes, thank you ChatGPT. I wish we had AI when I was studying in the university, it would make everything much easier.

I thought being a student could be fun when I decided to take these classes but I surely haven’t missed studying even a bit.

This little friend was wondering after a bit of rain, he made me think of my own shell. It made this gloomy day even darker.

I’m still pissed at myself for making things very hard for myself with such a small and stupid mistake but at least after getting lots crappy offers for my car from a bunch of fucking scavengers, I’m getting proper offers from couple of people who knows the value of it.

The weather is horseshit though, cold and rainy. It doesn’t help with this gloomy mood of mine.

216860 SEK is around 20000 Euros… This is the cost of the repair on my car. The funny thing is if I sell my car it’s around 140000. This stupid system pissed me off a lot. My beautiful car is gonna become a scrap and I will have nothing while I’m still paying it’s debt to the bank. And it all happened as soon as I quit my job with a sensitive plan. I’m truly fucked.

I feel like I’m at war with whatever the fuck is up there. I will solve this issue too, like I have always done… Once I stop this urge to punch myself in my face of course.

Wish me luck, I’m gonna need it.

Sun

Sunlight makes me so happy even on a cold day yet I choose to live in a country with long and dark winters. I already accepted that I won’t get everything I like in the same package anyway.

I tried to think about my cognitive empathy today. What’s the reason of it, worst effects of it on me and how to solve those problems… I felt like my mind is fighting with me and throws everything on me to distract my mind. After a hour long of walk and occasional sittings on a park bench, I gave up and came back home. Gonna try again tomorrow though.

I don’t know what these kind of socks called in English, but aren’t they so sweet? My ex’s grandmother made them for me. I love these kind of gifts, they are priceless! Let me know what they are called please if anyone reads this knows.

News

Today I learned something new about myself.

I have always been the smart kid and appearently it is not always a good thing for adulthood. Being used to getting things done easily becomes sabotating when life gets more complicated as an adult. I was praised as a kid for being smart but it also means not putting much effort.

I'm still sharp and capable, I still learn fast but I have no motivation. There is this constant isolation sense inside of me. And the pressure... The expectations are always high from me, I can't tolerate to fail and that's why I avoid many situations that challenges me. I feel socially behind.

The way I feel makes more sense now with this information. I should focus on understanding myself better and after that I should figure out how to undo this shit.

Tired

I had a traffic accident last week and I don’t have my car right now. So I’m back to cycling. I feel so damn tired and my butt hurts even though I wear padded tight shorts under my pants. But what hurts more is getting my beautiful car ruined and it was all my fault. My impatient ass couldn’t sit in traffic even though I had no hurry and I made a mistake. The worse part is I gotta pay for the cost of the repair and it is gonna hurt so bad when I get the bill…

I’m so glad I don’t have any serious injuries, it’s the priority but knowing that it’s my fault and very unnecessary one at a very bad time. It’s a very bad time because I quit my job last month and had a plan to last long with my savings but now all of them has to go to car repair and I’m afraid I have to sell the car if I can’t figure out a way to get it done cheaper. We will see about it once they check the car throughly…

Just some stuff from my boring life, nothing deep. It’s hard to get into my own head while my body is aching.

Gonna go fishing early in the morning, so I’m out.

Start

I was thinking of writing these in the evening before I sleep but I'm not gonna stay at home tonight so I post this a bit earlier than planned. I will find the most suitable way as I keep doing this I guess.

It's been pretty hectic lately but I will share that later on with a more clear mind.

I'm having a great day so far. Sun is shining. Even though it's cold and windy, I enjoyed my walk around the stables in my neighborhood. Hopefully it is gonna be a great night at my friend's place, would be a good ending for this day.

"friend"... Not actually a friend but I will tell about her later. Give me some time, I haven't warmed up to this new sharing thing yet.

After everything I write, tens of thoughts pop up in my mind and I can't write about all of them. But this is my usual state, it's a circus full of freaks in my head at most times. I wish it will calm down as I spit out some of the thoughts on here. Doing this seems like even a better idea than I thought at the begining and will serve more than only one purpose. We'll see...

I gave myself a high five and ending this here now. Nothing much yet but I started writing and it's a big enough step for me on the first day.

Tuesday January 14th 2025 - On The Subject Of KondemningYourSoul / Love Fool

Somehow I'm kind of tearing up, Iim suprised surpsid , ive been sweating all day, and maybe my eyes were a little wet over the course, im suprised im not dehydrated, or maybe I am.. I'm a sickly sort.. I'm a lovefool, I'm really head under heels and congealed blood and fat. My head aches constant, I get some sense of terrible overwhelming pain, flashing of tormenting images in the brain, things I want to see , wnd things I don't, like I'm young again, the mind drifts to places I wish to not go. I constant miss that girl again, I don't understand myself. I miss her , And i miss Her, and then I miss you, and I miss me. Taking a nap, taking a close at the eyes no longer can help, if ever, for these things chase me everywhere I go. Dreams strike at my soul, sickness plagues my peace. Beautiful women, purity in faces, professional curiosity and improfessional unprofessional nonconfessional gaze and impressionable chants of love and taste, hungering and loathing.. My body jolts against the uncomfortabilities of my own skin, I'm no better I'm no worse. I'm in haze, old me return, new me resolve, retribution of spirit, fall short, fall falls short, losing my time .. The tantalizing land of wonder und dreams, drape of shadow which follow my every move, nothing now seems so bright or magnificent, 15:50, put down in mind, wake up 5 hours later when I was busy wishing I never would have. I don't feel up to par, five strokes from the goal and fifty yards from my heart, watch it walk away and feel self slip like some kind of evilous number.. my head hurts still and it's a day later , i feel unreal , UGH . This is the kind of thing called dissociating, this isnt some playground fucking term. This is Hell, this is horrible. I want to be me , I want to feel me, and I can't do either. This isn't fun. This isnt hashtag hash it out with a friend or family, I can't explain it, I can't fix it. Therapy couldnt cure this sickpy feeling, I know because I'm not a fool, and I know the kinds of things these cognitive behavioral bullshit shrinks pull. I have much to write, but it doesn't come out right. I'm having stiflings in the work, the month long stiflings, of the dystopian future and such. 33.8431° S, 151.2843° E Take a leap across the gap in my heart and head. I feel like I'm you, how many times must I write it, before I shall forget I ever knew a relation between you and I? 26-DEEPJOY-88 bpm Ramble and rate, the thimble thunder and debate, sixty six percent six feet under such sexual sequences of soulless abandon, work and work keep on working and living in a place you dont love. Educate me and birth me here, force me to die here, I want to die to take myself somewhere else. I slip through your arms, slip through my own hands, slip like to clay, but all over my arms. Compress and say , Oh dear do I hope to find someone dear some day. I hate the way you look at me, I hate the way you talk to me, pain is all that wakes this ugly fool, half a woman half a hound, good for nothin men all throughout my life, and I'm something half-pint short from just another one of them. Sweating like a pig und living like one too, ayuda me, por favor, lo siento por mi poor favours

Love feels like some kind of lie, for I fail to feel it more often than not. I said I wanted to go to a funeral only because I hate my home and hate this scenery, I feel only slightly bad for the natural passage of what we call time, this thing we call aging, the final passage of this horrid survival, this horrid life. Put on a sad face, or a mourning one, block out the face of multitudinous facial warpings, the faces of a face of another, How can I say how much you mean? When I know not what that might mean, what do you mean? And so I wish I knew, struggle and stry, stray and strawberry, I like to imagine I once knew the taste of you, but I know the truth, that I know not even of how you smell, no fragrance nor scent, not even sweat nor stench.. I pretend instead I may have once felt your blood, and I do so with my own, with my pen, it belongs not to me, and neither do you. This world is not ours, and we are not long for it, sometimes I hope we meet again, in someone else, in ourselves... But I can't be sure I will ever get my own flesh back.. maybe you could say th3 same. I won't pretend I'm you, but I won't pretend either that my mind doesnt trick me, doesnt lead me to wonder sometimes if I'm not so unlike you. Does it get better for women like you? Did it? And how about fools like me? If it never gets better for you, then surely I cannot expect it either.. 10:47 January 15th 2025