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Diary - Blog Posts
I used to love this city and now it just feels haunted
i wish i didn't feel so sick inside of my body i wish i was like everyone else i don't mean that but things would be a lot simpler if i did
everything i write turns out as an i-statement and maybe that means i don't think about anyone other than myself but i don't want to speak on someone else's behalf
sometimes I have the most brilliant thoughts and when I want to write them, I sound like a five year old.
ごめんなさい！！
I maaaay have forgotten that tumblr existed and i basically forgot everything about the past week (my memory has a size of idk 5mb) so I'll prbbly start blogging everyday otherwise this'll happen again💔💔
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So, first things first, everskies.
I did so good, i wanted to place so bad😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔 (best placement until now tho)
So now i have to buy the sets i want.............. Ughhhhhh I'm saving up everything i can💔💔 never played the memory game and never watched so many ads in my whole lifeee!
But i managed to buy a set by 40sc! (The agejo gal set:3)
↑↑ (my lil comp outfit)
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Look at the lil wallet my mom gave me!! So cute!!!!
(i feel like this wallet is gonna be my whole personality for rhe next few months ngl)
What am i going to put in it? Idk! I don't have cards neither money:3 (just sd and sc in everskies but that doesn't count)
Yeah, those were the highlights of aaaall the time i missed:3
Over the rooftops...@kodaikanal #rooftop #aboveclouds #valley #cloudscapes #cloudy #cloudporn #mountainscape #mountains #mountainlife #lushgreen #instaclicks #smartphonephotography #spectacular #views #lifestyle #serene #pleasant #weather #shadesofgreen #shades #nature #fresh #roadtrip #bikers #diary #explore #kodaikanal #tamilnadu (at Kodaikanal, Tamil Nadu)
04/11/24
I don’t think I’ll ever be someone's first choice. I wish I could say ‘Oh, they love me’ or ‘Oh, they think I hold up the sun’. But I don’t think I’ll ever have that. I’m nice. But not nice enough to think of that way. I light up a room. But I don’t light up their life. I’m beautiful. But not beautiful enough to be their first. It kind of makes me sick. It leaves a pit in my stomach. The fact that I won’t have this romance I’m looking for. That I am bound to love more than they will ever love me. I think that reflects in my taste. I go after people that won’t ever love me for who I truly am. I don’t think I want to be loved for who I truly am. That’s terrifying. For someone to know me that deeply. To know the ins and outs of my skin. My perfect half. Searching. Falling. Failing. It’s everywhere. It’s in my favorite movie. The Half of It. It doesn’t have a good ending, or at least a ‘happy’ one depending on what you consider happy. It’s bittersweet. Just like how love is. Everyone moves behind, moves on. I’m stuck back, tripping over myself as I try to crawl forward and keep up. My fingers digging into the dirt, soil gathering underneath, my tears leaving a trail of lilies of the valley behind me. They’re poisonous. Did you know that? They kill if ingested. They mean love, yes. But they also mean sadness. In the 1800s, they represented ‘return to happiness’. I don’t know if I truly have that. Occasionally, yes. I feel it, I feel loved, I feel happy. But other times I feel sad. I feel lost. I feel like I’m pushing and chasing and tripping. Occasionally they stop, waiting for me to catch up. I scramble after them. Only for them to leave me behind anyways. Am I doomed to be too much to love forever? Is this what the gods wanted? Is this my punishment? Am I selfish to think of that? That I am doomed to wander alone forever? Doomed to watch others find their own? Gods, I hope not. Even if I have to pray. If I have to give up my dignity for my second half. I will do it, because as long as I find them, as long as I am with them. I am whole. We are too strong for the deities. Maybe that’s why they separated us.
“Love is messy and horrible and selfish and bold. It's not finding your perfect half. It's the trying and the reaching and failing. For the chance at a great one.”
- THE HALF OF IT, ALICE WU
04/04/24
I love my friends. I look at them and I just see so much beauty in them. They’re my sisters. They’re who know me best, but, they are also who know me the worst. They are not my carbon copy, in fact, they’re the opposite. They’re quiet, unless they’re together, they’re comfortable with the familiar. Most of all, they think they’re ugly. I think they’re beautiful. I like to run my fingers through their hair, and simply stare at them. It hurts, when I take photos of them, them having me take the photos over and over again. “Ewww, I look ugly in that. Redo. Redo.” or when one always covers their face in every photo, when in fact, they look best candid. Where I have to scour my phone for one photo. One where her face is shown. It hurts to hear them talk about themselves like that. But, I do the same. So why is it any different? Why do I get upset when they talk about themselves so negatively? Then I’ll turn around and inspect myself in the mirror, taking in the awkward shape of my nose, my every flaw, every pimple. I think they need to treat themselves better. Just like how I need to treat myself better. I’m imperfect. I know that much. I’m not this ‘fox beauty’, ‘deer beauty’, or anything like that. That bullshit. It’s all bullshit. Others say I look like a horse, call me a rat. When did the way others see me affect the way I see myself? If I change the way I see myself, will that change the way my friends see themselves? Does the outlook, and thought of myself, affect others?
The Undead Burg… it continues to surprise, even shock, at every turn. I found merchants, yes! Imagine, acquiring much-needed equipment in this forsaken place. I even learned of the Taurus Demon guarding the bridge ahead – dispatched swiftly, I might add (firebombs are a godsend against such brute force). But then… a dragon. Who could have foreseen such a beast blocking my path?
During my explorations, I met a peculiar knight. Eccentric, yes, but undeniably friendly. Solaire, he calls himself. He gifted me a Soapstone, claiming it strengthens the connection between worlds. The fellow is searching for his own "sun", a quest as enigmatic as it is endearing. He's brighter than any sun I've seen, a beacon of hope in this cursed land. I pray our paths cross again.
His quest… It somehow resonates. My "sun" awaits in the Undead Asylum. I cling to the hope that you are not yet hollow, Oscar. That there's still a chance to save you. Until we meet again...
My journey beyond the Asylum walls has been...unwelcoming. I've encountered many, their faces etched with the same weary resignation as my own. A few, however, show signs of a different path. Petrus, bless his soul, offered his guidance. He spoke of miracles, of bolstering faith in the Lords. Though I wonder, are there any Gods left to believe in, in this forsaken land?
That Crestfallen Warrior, he mocks my quest relentlessly. He scoffs, calls it a futile endeavor, his laughter echoing through the hollows. I am a fool, he says, a child playing at heroism. But even he cannot snuff out the fire in my heart. His doubts fuel me.
Undead Burg. What a grim name for a grimmer place. I pushed onwards, only to be met by a terrifying specter—a red ghost! Petrus had spoken of such things, 'Invaders', he called them, undead like myself, yet from another world. It was a harsh lesson. My life was forfeit before I could reach the next bonfire. But...I will return. The fire of Firelink Shrine awaits.
Dearest Knight,
I hope this diary finds you well, wherever you may be. I write this in the hopes that our paths will cross again someday. After my escape from the Undead Asylum, that strange bird carried me to a place called Firelink Shrine. It's a haven for the undead, a strange and unsettling hub. I wonder what became of you after we parted ways... I fear you may have succumbed to hollowness. All I can do is carry on, in your name.
I met someone here, a Crestfallen Warrior. He was kind enough to offer some information, though not much. He spoke of two Bells of Awakening:
One is in the Undead Church, high above.
The other lies far below, in the ruins of Blighttown.
He said that ringing both bells will somehow trigger something... I'll have to investigate further. I pray you are safe.
I know someone, who is a friend and we use to be close friends, when we talk together I get super anxious about almost every topic we talk about...
I try to avoid almost every topic... Like we can only talk about video games and very basic stuff otherwise I get anxious
I don't want to be pretty, I want to hurt myself, I want to be pure, I want to feel safe, I want to disappear
The more I realise I'm not supposed to be here, the more hurt and lost I feel
It's 0:39 and I'm still working on fucking exercises I do not understand, I'm shaking because I don't have that much energy left, I want to throw up and I'm so angry after people who pretend to care about me but clearly don't