Life Sucks - Blog Posts

This is... uh, too relatable currently. Man, I'm looking for a job but can't really find one, so I'm just home all the time. I literally don't leave my house and barely eat, and I know I'm being super unhealthy, but I can hardly muster up the energy to make myself a sandwhich, let alone leave the house. And I know farther that i feel better when I'm surrounded by people, but getting the energy to actually plan something is a completely different mountain that I really don't want to bother with, so I just... lay in bed every day. Listing this out though, I think I might invite a friend to hang out today, I really do need to get out of my house

I might not believe in a God but the closest I have felt to religious is getting to hear my friends laugh

So I got some sucky news today, I'm getting fired from my job and am now kinda scrambling to get my affairs in order, not only do I have to move back to the US, but I also have move back in with my parents 😭

I'm still gonna be drawing/writing because it's like one of my only healthy coping methods.

For anyone who might be genuinely interested, im thinking of opening commissions in the near future. Once im stableish. I am still working out the prices and payment methods.

But yeah...

Do you know how I feel? I feel like I’m drowning, and I’m aware of it but I can’t do anything.

I know I have to study a lot, but I can’t. I can’t get myself to do stuff, to concentrate.

I know I have to keep my house in order and do the dishes every day, do the laundry. But I can’t.

I am gaining weight and I know I should and want to eat healthy and not stress-eatings. But I do.

I know that I should be active more and workout so that I have a nice body. But I can’t do it more than one day.

I know I should take care of myself. But I fucking can’t.

And I hate myself for losing control like that, not being able to control my willpower. I hate myself for knowing this shit and still procrastinate and watch a movie instead or surf the instagram. I know I’m wasting my time, but there’s this voice in my head that’s just so strong, when I hear it I say ‘screw it you’ll do it tomorrow’. And the worst part is I am allowing that voice to control me. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what’s happening to me, it’s like I’m losing control over my mind and my will to do things. I am telling myself every fucking day that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be a new start, but I feel deep down that it won’t. I feel like I’m drowning in my own sadness.

I realized a few days ago that I’m in depression. And that hit me hard. I am alone, sad and depressed. And I am trying to fight this fucking thing everyday but I fail. You know what though? I don’t want to lose control to that little piece of shit, I don’t want to be unhealthy, fat and depressed. I will fight it and I will kill it.

And when I do, it will be the greatest win of my life.

"How can I ignore depression when it comes to hugs me when no one else did?"

~ Me, at midnight, while taking a shower.

My problem is saying I don't give a shit about what anyone says and yet seeking validation from them.

"It's not about the want to die but the desire to simply not exist"

-Me, 2022

Life goes on:

Life goes on,

When the blossoms may.

When dry leaves fall down,

In a sun free day.

Life goes on,

When childhood ends.

When you grow apart,

From all your friends.

Life goes on,

When you walk alone.

In sunny paths and trails,

Of a hillside house.

Life goes on,

When you let things go.

When you accept,

There's always left some hope.

Life goes on and on

And on till the-

Day you die and-

Leave your imprint behind.

~ME

Feeling sick...

I have been feeling sick all week and it really sucks because it only adds the constant physical pain I have to live with every second of every day because my step-dad used to like tossing me around.

me after everything we went through during that cursed match (and also cry so much that my eyes felt like they were burning after it ended with a defeat)

What would yall do if you had a younger sibling who hates you, calls you fat and smelly, pretends you don’t exist, hits you, calls you names, and is alltogether toxic but you still have to live with them?

Am I in the wrong for giving them the cold truth and saying that this is how they’re going to lose friends? That some of the people I know have lost friends for being this way?

I don’t know what to do about them anymore. And then my momma is yelling at being for being rude to them. Like, they’re being worse to me. I get that it’s wrong, but she never addresses their horrible behavior.

And she gets mad at me for being in my room all day, on my devices. Like, Im sorry, but I don’t want to be around people who treat me like that. This place and many others are my escapes. None of my friends or family know about this account. (Exception of one sweet girl, @celestiva, we love her <3) and this really is my sweet escape from life.

Sorry for venting. I usually stay away from this type of stuff, but it’s been eating me alive.