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Alone - Blog Posts
Alone, submerged in my thoughts....though, by the looks of it, it is pretty empty... :/
I'm so done with all the fake friends. When all they do is talk about other friends with you and how amazing they are. Don't they realize I'm not as strong as them? It hurts more than it should Do they talk about me with their other friends? No. They don't. I'm nothing compared to them
Self-harm awareness day
Today is self-harm awareness day. It is a very important day for me as a former self-harmer, and when I was at my lowest I thought no one knew how I felt, but now I know better. This is a day for people to learn more about the causes of self-harm and the risks. Self-harm is no different than any other unhealthy coping mechanism like drugs, alcohol, and many others. Just because someone self-harms does not make them any different from an addict that needs help. So, if you are a self-harmer and If you’re not sure where to turn, call the S.A.F.E. Alternatives information line in the U.S. at 1-800-366-8288 for referrals and support for cutting and self-harm. If you know a self-harmer, or just want to be more aware click here for more information.
Do you know how I feel? I feel like I’m drowning, and I’m aware of it but I can’t do anything.
I know I have to study a lot, but I can’t. I can’t get myself to do stuff, to concentrate.
I know I have to keep my house in order and do the dishes every day, do the laundry. But I can’t.
I am gaining weight and I know I should and want to eat healthy and not stress-eatings. But I do.
I know that I should be active more and workout so that I have a nice body. But I can’t do it more than one day.
I know I should take care of myself. But I fucking can’t.
And I hate myself for losing control like that, not being able to control my willpower. I hate myself for knowing this shit and still procrastinate and watch a movie instead or surf the instagram. I know I’m wasting my time, but there’s this voice in my head that’s just so strong, when I hear it I say ‘screw it you’ll do it tomorrow’. And the worst part is I am allowing that voice to control me. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what’s happening to me, it’s like I’m losing control over my mind and my will to do things. I am telling myself every fucking day that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be a new start, but I feel deep down that it won’t. I feel like I’m drowning in my own sadness.
I realized a few days ago that I’m in depression. And that hit me hard. I am alone, sad and depressed. And I am trying to fight this fucking thing everyday but I fail. You know what though? I don’t want to lose control to that little piece of shit, I don’t want to be unhealthy, fat and depressed. I will fight it and I will kill it.
And when I do, it will be the greatest win of my life.
You realize you’re lonely when you pass out on your couch while the lights are turned on, and you are too tired to stand up and turn it off and wish there was somebody there, so they would cover you with blanket and turn the lights off.
Sofie, Toni, Chloe, Callie and Ali Goodman They are Dylan's sisters. Sofie Goodman is 9. She's innocent, adorable and small. Sofie and Dylan are very close and she sees him as her hero. When they move to their new house she clings onto him more than ever. At school nobody wants to be her friend and she finds herself all alone so she events imaginary friends for herself. The imaginary friends tell her to do things or they'll stop being her friend and soon Sofie is never out if trouble. Everybody thinks she's doing it for attention and when she tries to explain nobody will listen to her not even Dylan... Toni Goodman is 12. She's a tomboy, loud and always in trouble because of her fierce temper. Toni and Dylan don't talk very much anymore because Toni doesn't like his friend Jamie. Toni is best friends with Jake Hunter who she soon unwittingly begins to fall for. She's confused and refuses to accept that she's growing up and has her first crush. She distances herself from Jake unknowingly leading to serious consequences... Chloe Goodman is 14. She is girly, flirty and popular. She doesn't really care about Dylan because she's quite self centred. Chloe flirts and forgets her friends and let's them down all the time. However one day she ends up in a serious accident because of a boy and Chloe is left by herself. The boys think she's a freak. The girls think she's a loser. Her old friends don't even care. Chloe is all alone apart from the cute boy she's been chatting to on the internet and it seems like he's the only one that really understands her but is he hiding something? Callie Goodman is 16. She is quiet, smart and kind. Even though she's older, Dylan has always looked out for her and she is very close with him. Callie runs into her old friend Carter Hunter who is now one of the popular kids. Carter and Callie are soon firm friends again but things have changed. Callie fancies him but she knows Carter will never see her that way. However Carter ends up finding out and avoiding Callie. People also begin calling Callie names and ignoring her after someone lies that Callie used to be a bully. Who's behind it? Could it really be someone close to her? Ali Goodman is 18. She is creative, kind and in love. Dylan and her argue because of her boyfriend that he thinks is a bad influence. Ali plans to go to university and has her own blog and couldn't be happier until she finds out she's pregnant! Her dreams crash and burn and her boyfriend is horrified and dumps her. She tries to hide her huge secret but very soon the whole school finds out! Everyone looks at her differently and talks behind her back and Ali is miserable until a boy she's overlooked her whole life sticks up for her and the two become close. However when her boyfriend begs her to take him back, Ali must pick between them but will she pick the right decision?
On a Sunday
There is not enough crap on the internet to calm me today.... ive seen it all.. there is no quotes that justify my feelings... i am caged... i am silenced... i am no one to who i want to be someone.. if i dare push, i push away... if i pull the resistance breaks the thread... so i sit in purgatory by myself and wait for something that may never happen....
Finally.
I did it. I finally told my parents that I'm depressed. And you know what? I don't feel better about it. I don't feel the weight on my chest leave. It's still there, I still feel it on my body. I've heard people say that once it's told, you feel relieved. I don't. I feel scared because they've now seen a part of their child they never wanted to see. The side that stays hidden from the world and won't say what's really on the mind. The finally sad l saw the side of death. It still hurts me, I don't feel relieved. I feel the same.
I hate crying in front of people so much. I always swallow the sadnees, the pain, whatever is making me feel like crap until i go home and i get to cry alone at home, is not good to cry but i like doing it alone, not in front of everyone, that’s why i know i hit deep bottom when i start crying infront of people, when tears start falling and people are hugging me telling me nice words, that’s when i know, that all the pain and stress i have been keeping like a pet, is not worthy.
Please i’m just tired
No, i am not sad, i am not mad, is just that i am so tired of trying to feel good with my life and with myself, trying not to cry when i see myself in a mirror or in photos, tired of not doing things the way i wanted, tored of crying about every little thing, tired of not being loved the way i love someone, and TIRED of feeling alone when i am surrounded by people.
Loner
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Just Autistic Things...
Being excited about beige food and sitting alone in your room while watching your special interest on youtube for the 50th time this month...ngl I’m excited as heck for it!
It's fine. I'm used to being alone.
2 am Thoughts
Did I ever matter to you? Or was I just the end game? A prize? I went into this relationship thinking I'd feel more loved than used.
I guess I was wrong about a lot of things
LITTLE NIGHTMARES I LOVE UUUUU RAAAAAHHHHH