Lonely - Blog Posts

Lonely baby :(

I’ve been so lonely later I wish I had someone to chat with I’d be such a good baby for them and they’d see how cute I am!

discord is : virtual_vi

I’ll be icky if you want but I just want someone to have fun and chat with I’m even up for just becoming friends I’m the Uk for time zone wise!

Imagine what you could see on my spicy site :3

god this is the first birthday i've felt this lonely:(

I need to be sedated at once

It’s currently 10:30 pm rn and I feel liminal. Like that space where you aren’t really bored but don’t have anything to do, and it just feels like night? That’s where I am rn. I wanna talk with someone, preferably a stranger.

Let me kiss your scars.

I know it won't fix or erase the pain that caused them, but maybe, if only for a moment, it will make you forget.

Maybe, if only occasionally, you will see those scars and remember how much you are loved rather than the hatred and fear that put them there.

Let me kiss your scars.

Let me kiss your stretch marks.

Let me kiss all the things you hate most about yourself.

Let me make you feel as beautiful and precious as you are in my eyes.

I know I can't erase how the world has hurt you, but maybe, if only for a moment, it won't hurt quite as much.

Please kiss my scars.

My skin is a mosaic of scar tissue, all from my own choices, many from mistakes.

Please kiss my scars.

It won't erase the pain that put them there, but maybe, if only for a moment, looking at them won't hurt quite so much.

Please kiss my scars.

Make me feel as beautiful as you say I am.

Anxiety

I have been officially diagnosed with anxiety but it’s beyond the level of severe. I just got my medication and it’s now just hitting me how broken I am. I feel so alone right now and the only person that can truly comfort me isn’t with me anymore. I miss him.

i’m really beginning to feel lost when it comes to my feelings for this guy i work with. it truly feels like i am so small in his eyes, and i never know how to move forward. this is so out of the norm for me and it frustrates me that i feel powerless around him. i keep calling him pet names like, “babe, honey, sweetheart, pretty boy, etc.”, but i do that with literally everyone. i’m so bad at flirting and i really don’t think he would be receptive to that. he’s so charming, funny, goofy, and hot. but he’s talking to a different guy, and i feels like i’m too late. it all seems so pointless in the grand scheme of things. i don’t believe i’m his type, both physically and personally, and i don’t know him outside of work. but it’s terrifying to try for more. it makes me vulnerable and i feel worthless, disposable, unwanted.

this always happens to me though. i always catch feelings for some guy, and it literally has always ended the same; me hating myself for thinking it was a good idea and that i had even the slightest chance. it’s so hard to not think that i’m meant to be alone when rejection is so consistent. i’m running out of patience for my own self. i can’t keep letting myself put so much hope and emotion in finding that one person who will like/love me when so many people have turned the other way. when all of these things are stacked on top of me, it is so difficult to find a reason to keep trying and being open. i’ve been single for years already and it’s becoming easier to turn off this yearning to be with someone, until those moments like now. when someone draws your attention and you feel like they could be yours and this could be the chance. but 9.9 times out of 10 it isn’t. and the 1.1% chance that it could be, doesn't seem worth it anymore.

so, who knows what could happen between me and the guy honestly.  but my track record shows what is most likely to happen. it sucks, it really does, but that’s just my love life... lonely.

Do you know how I feel? I feel like I’m drowning, and I’m aware of it but I can’t do anything.

I know I have to study a lot, but I can’t. I can’t get myself to do stuff, to concentrate.

I know I have to keep my house in order and do the dishes every day, do the laundry. But I can’t.

I am gaining weight and I know I should and want to eat healthy and not stress-eatings. But I do.

I know that I should be active more and workout so that I have a nice body. But I can’t do it more than one day.

I know I should take care of myself. But I fucking can’t.

And I hate myself for losing control like that, not being able to control my willpower. I hate myself for knowing this shit and still procrastinate and watch a movie instead or surf the instagram. I know I’m wasting my time, but there’s this voice in my head that’s just so strong, when I hear it I say ‘screw it you’ll do it tomorrow’. And the worst part is I am allowing that voice to control me. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what’s happening to me, it’s like I’m losing control over my mind and my will to do things. I am telling myself every fucking day that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be a new start, but I feel deep down that it won’t. I feel like I’m drowning in my own sadness.

I realized a few days ago that I’m in depression. And that hit me hard. I am alone, sad and depressed. And I am trying to fight this fucking thing everyday but I fail. You know what though? I don’t want to lose control to that little piece of shit, I don’t want to be unhealthy, fat and depressed. I will fight it and I will kill it.

And when I do, it will be the greatest win of my life.

You realize you’re lonely when you pass out on your couch while the lights are turned on, and you are too tired to stand up and turn it off and wish there was somebody there, so they would cover you with blanket and turn the lights off.

When I was young

Alone in my time of need

An angel came to me

He offered to be my shield

If I could show him selfless beauty

So I became an artist

When I got a bit older

In my time of need

I called for the Monster

He offered to keep me sane

if I could help those in need

as an exchange

So I became a listener

When I was at my breaking point

The devil spoke to me

He offered me his silver tongue

In exchange of letting him feel loved

So I became a refuge for all

Then I met you

And i saw tears in your eyes

Came a voice

A feeling blooming

I couldn't deny

If you are to be the moon in the sky

I'd be the darkness by your side

Always in sight but never in reach

So I became a beast

A wolf longing for you for all time

The other three turned to you too

As the world lost meaning

And now you are gone

And we hate everything

NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUG NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH ...............................RAGE

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

it'll be over soon 

Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:

"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"

~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)

Let me set the scene:

In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.

This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.

The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.

Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.

During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.

I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".

I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.

I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.

For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.

Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.

i just want more attention.

i just wanna be reconigzed.

i want people to see me.

but the only way they will is if i hurt myself.

so maybe ill cut more often.

but that would be selfish of me.

so ill stick to craving for now.

people with online friends are so lucky 😓… they have someone 2 go home 2 while i have NOTHING 💔💔💔

thinking about that illustration of solitude vs loneliness in which solitude is a dog peacefully holding its own leash & loneliness is a feral dog fighting against the restraint of the leash & feeling slightly insane

where are all of the other bigenders I’m so lonely :’(

Quick what’s the current bigender flag

I realized pretty early on that the who didn’t really matter so much. That anybody who listens to me, I end up loving them just a little.

Sadie, Courtney Summers

I love THIS couple so much their story is my SOUL and my LIFE, without THEM without ME. I WANT IDW to CONTINUE about this couple. a LONELY couple. a LOVELY couple 

ALSO I hate that he’s(cosmos) not treated like an equal among the other autobots. WHY WOULD HE DESERVE LIKE THAT, not like he is just TOOL for the WAR @soundwavereporting​ @babbo526​ and @solarswitchback you guy have any thoughts? :]

pls... if you’d like, share the other coswave thoughts???

oh man, i have. so many. none of this is going to be cohesive.

i spend,,, more free time than I probably should thinking abt these two bc like i said a while ago in another post, im in a transformers dnd campaign and one of my player characters is Cosmos and what kind of person would I be if I didn’t try to include Soundwave and the cassettes in there somewhere when they've got so much good story potential

but as for y’know, the actual IDW comics versions of them. honestly? poetic cinema. IDW gave us Cosmos, someone who’s never listened to, someone who has more than a couple instances of people just either hearing him but not listening or, even worse telling him to shush. IDW gave us Soundwave, someone with an outlier ability to hear everything, even people’s thoughts.

IDW also gave us Cosmos, who was given mostly spy work, then gave us Soundwave, who was the communications officer for the Decepticons. It always makes me wonder if maybe they crossed paths before and we just never got to see.

Also, in terms of interactions I think about A LOT, when Cosmos was outside Sanctuary Station for the first time, Soundwave didn’t go outside to fight Cosmos. He went out there to invite him aboard. Y’know, “May I invite you in?” Cosmos was just understandably a little jumpy because it’s Soundwave and then we got the very fun overgrown tape deck line.

(Also after the tape deck line, we get the First Instance of “Little Autobot” which is, hilarious, because Cosmos is like just a little shorter that Soundwave when he’s not fuck off huge like in MTMTE, but is also a Really Soft nickname imo)

Actually wait, I’m not done about the first use of Little Autobot. SOUNDWAVE GOT HIT DIRECTLY IN THE CHEST WITH LIKE THREE DIFFERENT MISSLES/PROJECTILES AND THEN INVENTS A PET NAME ON THE SPOT.

Not to mention the Princess Bride-esque “As you wish.”

There’s also this panel.

Soundwave sees Cosmos sorta begrudging(? i dunno, that’s the vibe I get from Cosmos’ expression) look and just immediately basically goes Oh shit, he’s not treated so well. ”Hey stay here.”

I wonder if Soundwave ever sees a bit of his past self in this convo. Or at least, I can see Cosmos saying he doesn’t serve Optimus, letting it slip he’s maybe not treated like an equal among the other autobots, and insistence on talking to Doc even though Jetfire tells him Doc’s ‘just a tool’ (or at least the mention of it with Cosmos’ “Or drones...”) echoing Soundwave saying way back when that he didn’t serve Ratbat and the fact that himself, Ravage, Laserbeak, and Buzzsaw weren’t exactly ‘equals’ back then either, since Soundwave at first didn’t have a good grip on his abilities and that wasn’t any use to the senate and Ravage, Laserbeak, and Buzzsaw were beastformers and were therefore not seen as equals because they ‘weren’t cybertronians.’

I’m also never gonna let go of the lines “You said I could call you, and I think everybody else is dead and I’m all alone and I don’t know what to do and... and... I’m scared Soundwave.” “You are not alone, Cosmos. And there is no reason to fear, little autobot.” because that makes me Soft every single time

There was also always this line that got me bc it shows Cosmos cares about Sanctuary Station (and what it stands for) and what it means to Soundwave just as much as Soundwave does.

Coswave is good because Where Else are you going to get Two Dudes who are both genuinely compassionate and kind but Also people you don’t want to mess with. Soundwave can be terrifying but even the comics describe him as having a heart of gold and Cosmos comes off as genuinely kind and compassionate (which he is) but also has so much sass and has the capacity to be a being of Pure Rage.

You left us.You left us behind.

Even more Bendy cause why not.

Is it too much to ask for a fucking hug?

i hate snapchat memories lol. just saw some pics from 5 years ago of me and my friends on call when we started online school during the pandemic and it fucking stung way more than i anticipated. these people don't talk to me anymore. they've all moved on with their lives and im still drowning in the past by myself, wishing they'd come back to get me. they have partners and new friends in our old city, and i got forcefully pulled away to a whole new province without my permission. i get to start all over again with friendships and family i don't want in my life.

i miss my friends.

Lost another friendship. Feeling superb.

I feel like throwing up.

Why is it so hard to maintain friends? Am I doing something wrong? Im tired..

about to crash out

i want attention, im bored, i don't know what i want, im bored, i want attention, i want friends, i want to go places, im stuck in the same place, every day is the same, why are they not responding, i sense something is wrong, this always happens, we always drift a part, im tired, i want to delete everything, what is the point of this.

How do you make Tumblr friends? I'm all alone here. I'm a part of a lot of fandoms so you can talk to me about a lot of stuff. Idk what to post though. I'm lonely :/

I can relate to this a lot... 🥲

Final road

When you're half-way there, But you feel too late, Every ship has sailed, You're alone.

When you're almost there, But you can't quite reach, Holding on to believes, So alone.

falling deeper, slowly fading away.

harder to reach each and every day.

lonelier, by every word I say.

This piece was inspired by a song called Lonely Angel by Lauren Synger from the game #Bendyandtheinkmachine by @TheMeatly and @MikeMood. I didn’t want to get sued for copy-write #bendyandtheinkmachine #mikemood #bendy #themeatly #aliceangel #laurensynger #bendythedancingdemon #mood #emotions #love #lonely #lonleyangel https://www.instagram.com/quokkatoons/p/BvhYSFgFIom/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=112w96d9qp7nl