Nix - Blog Posts

Speirs: Is four a lot?

Dick: That depends on the context. Coins, no.

Nix: Murders, yes.

Speirs: I poisoned one of our drinks

Speirs: But i forgot which one

Nix: The way this day is going I hope it’s mine

Easy company as cats

Dick -  Big ginger tomcat who always finds the best hiding spots to catch birds, well-mannered and rarely ever meows. Spends most of the day outside or curled up pressed to his owner, never bothering anyone though. Has a neat collar with a classic little nametag. You can trust him not to make any trouble if you forget to let him out into the garden when you leave for work in the morning. He likes water and sometimes stays outside in the rain chasing raindrops. Is best friends with the neighbour’s black persian.

Nix - Said black persian. His owners keep him in absolute luxury, feeding him tuna every day and brushing out the knots in his fur, but he runs out through his little cat door each afternoon and gets it messy again. Taught Dick how to use that cat door and now they trot in and out of the house as they please. Nix drinks milk at both of their places and scoffs at water. Generally lazy, but doesn’t protest against stroking or cuddling.

Speirs - Cat of unknown origin, possibly stray, always sitting on the fence or on the porch staring inside all creepily without blinking. Has beautiful black and white markings, a real magpie cat. Presents various carcasses to Lipton and sometimes live prey to play with. Once in a while, he lets Lipton groom his head and ears, but no human you know of has been able to catch him. Leaves half a rabbit on your doormat at night so that you can step on it in the morning.

Lipton - Is a huge cat with sandy-dark brown fur that stands every which way in tufts. Got bitten at the hip by a dog and almost died, but his owners didn’t give up on him and he healed with only a small scar as a reminder. He’s really nice and friendly, calm, lets children play with him and curls up on your chest to purr when you’re sick or depressed. Isn’t afraid of fireworks. Has disappeared for two days once and you found him in the shed with the bicolor stray, lethargic from an infection, but mostly warm in a box of work clothes the stray seemed to have claimed as his bed.

Luz - Long-haired siamese cat that keeps running around the house and meows for no damn reason. If you don’t pay attention to him, he tries meowing at different pitches. Seems to understand how conversations work, because he makes tiny “mrow” sounds when you talk to him. Likes to hide behind the bookshelf and wait until you pass by to attack-hug your leg with (mostly) soft paws, then runs off again. Gets crazy from laser pointers and can practically run up the wall chasing the little red dot. 

Toye - Battered stray that got adopted by Luz’s owners from the death row. One of his hind legs broke and healed wrong before he was caught, so he has a limp. He’s unfriendly and doesn’t like to be touched, keeps growling if you pick him up, and he has real sharp claws that no one dared trim yet. He’s a little on the thin side right now, but his new owners are trying to cure him back to health. In the evening, he likes to curl up with Luz in a nest they share. Doesn’t play.

Babe - Ragdoll kitten, isn’t mature yet. Purrs at the slightest touch. True to his breed, goes boneless and soft if you pick him up, and everyone wants to cuddle with him. Once, he got stung by an insect and his right paw swelled to twice its original size. Considers rolling onto his back and batting at your fingers as the most enjoyable playtime. He likes to go up to adult cats and jump on them or eat their food, but they don’t tend to hiss at him for some reason. Strictly indoor cat.

Roe - Slender chartreux cat who likes to groom your hair with his cute pink tongue. Lives with Babe and carries him by his scruff like a momma even though he’s a male cat. Been lost a few times before, so he became an indoor cat too, because his owners prefer to keep him safe. When it’s cold, he tucks his paws under his body and sleeps like a loaf of bread. Eats chocolate whenever he can, fishing out the wrappers from the trashbin when he’s naughty.

Webster - Mostly indoor cat, a white angora with blue eyes. Came from the best breeder in town, is a frequent contestant on cat shows. He even learnt a few tricks from his owner. He’s very docile and practically offers himself when it’s time for his evening brush or a regular nail trim. He can walk on a leash without trouble and wears knit socks without fuss. Stays still when his owner wants pictures. Has a sensitive stomach and pukes on the carpet if he doesn’t get good food, is allowed to sit on the kitchen counter.

Liebgott - Scrawny tabby streetcat that hangs out in Webster’s territory and sprays on the bushes. He and Webster get into noisy fights every week, sometimes through the glass of a window or the screen door. Webster’s owners are upset about it, fearing that Lieb is going to scratch Web’s beautiful face up, but once, they accidentally let Web out on his own and find him and Lieb pressing their noses together curiously. Lieb can be coaxed into a short petting, but he bites when he gets bored of it. Made the neighbour’s Rottweiler howl once by clawing at its nose.

Guarnere - “Tomcat of the block”. Goes out on his daily prowl at night and chases after the female cats, dropping litters around the neighbourhood for the lucky owners to take care of. He’s striped like a tiger and has an M on his forehead. He’s small but can be ferocious when it comes to what he thinks is his. He kept puffing up when he saw Dick a few houses down the street, but he entered Dick’s territory once, got smacked in the nose, and now he’s okay with simply keeping his respectful distance. Is on a special diet because of a urinary infection.

Shifty - An adorable Scottish fold. He’s a talented bird hunter and can jump surprisingly high. Was hit by a car once just when he finally got home from a vet visit, but got away with a few broken bones. He has such sad eyes that it’s a challenge not to pick him up all the time. If you take him into your arms, he headbutts your neck affectionately. Seems to stare at and watch invisible things sometimes, staying motionless in hunting position for minutes. He sleeps with his owner at night.

Malarkey - Used to be a fearful kitten, walking around staying low and close to the ground, but he doesn’t much mind noise now. Gets confused at times when things change, for example, it takes days for him to tuck in without hesitation when you buy him a new brand of food. Has his own basket next to his owner’s armchair and likes to hide there, sometimes sticking his head out and staring warily for a minute or two before settling back down. Sometimes, he wanders into the garage and gets oil stains on his ash-colored fur, so his owner has to bathe him regularly.

Talbert - He’s a gorgeous bengal cat with big green eyes. Very agile and smart, likes to play with pieces of yarn and loves climbing trees. Always greets his owner at the end of a workday by running up to the car with his tail in the air. His favourite sleeping place is under the rosebushes. Likes to lurk around in the dark at night, but sometimes that gets him into trouble, like that time when he broke a vase and got a piece of it wedged in his paw. Dick’s other neighbour, they like to sunbathe together.

Now, who’s who in the pictures below? And which kitten would you take home with you?

Lipton: Look, you don't want Speirs to die. And I don't want Speirs to die. So let's work together to make sure Speirs doesn't want Speirs to die.

Nix: Fantastic plan but have you ever fucking met Speirs

Nix: Dick, I am not in denial.

Dick: Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.

Nix: Dick, honey, I am not denying I'm in denial.

Dick: If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.

Nix: Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, YOU are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.

[E Company huddled around a table]

Guarnere: Hey! Cap’n Winters, Cap’n Nixon, c’mere for a second!

Luz: We have something for ya!

Nixon & Winters: *jogging over*

Nixon: Whatcha got there?

E Company: *smiling*

Liebgott: *gives them both hand-made Father’s Day cards signed by all of them*

Winters, a mess: Oh...my...God

Nixon: *crying*

Babe: *hands Speirs a card* We made one for you, too, Lieutenant Speirs.

Malarkey: Do you like it?

Speirs, choking up: It’s fine.

Speirs: My moral alignment is chaotic lawful.

Nixon: ...

Nixon: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Lipton: He has a strict moral code but nobody can figure out what the hell it is.

Nix: i'm a communist now Harry

Welsh: does that mean you're going to redistribute your wealth (to me)

Nix: i literally keep forgetting i'm rich

Easy Officers Meeting

Speirs: sorry i'm late, i didn't want to be here

Nix: wait was skipping this an option

Dick: sit down, Lew

Liebgott: I sleep with a bat by my pillow

Luz: weak, I sleep with my rifle

Lipton: you’re both pathetic

Nixon: [not paying attention, taking a sip of coffee] tell ‘em, Lip

Liebgott: what do you sleep with?

Lipton: Speirs

Nixon: [spits out coffee]

Nixon, at Starbucks: can I get a venti vanilla latte with uhh, seven espresso shots

Speirs, next in line: Jesus Christ just do cocaine