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Shame ;; - Blog Posts
"No one who dies here ever really dies."
I really need this today!
Please give me ideas or ask questions.
I don’t know what was more emberassing. Being disciplined to tears by my White Bull in front of my husband or that my husband watched with his little hard on leaking until he was allowed to stroke himself off.
Not to be a pessimist, but can we??? Get a new writer on Uncanny? Please and thank you?
Each in the pants of the other- from episode 6
Denials.
Listen, all you folks out there with AvPD: you’re amazing.
Every day, against all odds, you show up on my dash.
You live in a world that has taught you to feel unwanted, defective, unseen. But you keep on existing anyway.
You’re all warriors. And you are beautifully fierce.
Don’t listen to the voices – those around you, or within you – that say you’re weak or incapable. You aren’t. Because every single day, you are here, fighting and winning. Even in the moments that feel empty and unnameable, you are learning and growing and gathering strength.
I see you collecting these little things that feed your soul. Assembling the tools you need, for the hard work of staying alive and being well.
You are astonishing, and brave, and powerful. Someday, you’ll carve out a life where you can finally become yourself.
You are real. You matter. And you’re not alone.
Not that anybody asked, but I think it's important to understand how shame and guilt actually work before you try to use it for good.
It's a necessary emotion. There are reasons we have it. It makes everything so. much. worse. when you use it wrong.
Shame and guilt are DE-motivators. They are meant to stop behavior, not promote it. You cannot, ever, in any meaningful way, guilt someone into doing good. You can only shame them into not doing bad.
Let's say you're a parent and your kid is having issues.
Swearing in class? Shame could work. You want them to stop it. Keep it in proportion*, and it might help. *(KEEP IT IN PROPORTION!!!)
Not doing their homework? NO! STOP! NO NOT DO THAT! EVER! EVER! EVER! You want them to start to do their homework. Shaming them will have to opposite effect! You have demotivated them! They will double down on NOT doing it. Not because they are being oppositional, but because that's what shame does!
You can't guilt people into building better habits, being more successful, or getting more involved. That requires encouragement. You need to motivate for that stuff!
If you want it in a simple phrase:
You can shame someone out of being a bad person, but you can't shame them into being a good person.
Know Thyself 🌀
I'm not your critic,
not your gaping wounds of the past.
I'm not your reactions
they tell your stories.
I'm not your fear
of losing yourself.
I'm not your shame & hate
for being yourself.
I'm not your fear
of intimacy.
I'm not the mirror
you mistake me for.
Thats the mirror
of yourself.
Hidden behind a mirror
Ridden with shame and fear
Performing for the world
What you think they want to see
Denying that you're lovable
In self hate and doubt
Running away in anticipation
But wishing that you'd get found
I'm torn between trust and mistrust
And the thought of my betrayal of you
Fills me with guilt, shame and disgust.
I'm so sorry that I hurt you bad and
I wish I wouldn't have done that to you
So I tear my heart apart in deep regret.
Glances
I despise
Entering the stage
As I'd be a kind
Of tragical disgrace
Spots too bright
They melt my face
And I feel like
A tragic disgrace
Doesn't matter
which side I light
Cause the shadow
Remains behind
This is your reminder...
Guilt is temporary but shame lasts as long as you hold on to it. Be strong, grow, and gently let go.
Open up
It's important to me to show the people around me how I feel. Dropping the mask, putting me through to others. This is not an easy task and requires a lot of effort. Feelings of shame and worthlessness are spreading. Opening up to this vulnerability is unfamiliar.