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Actually Bpd - Blog Posts
I cry for the butcher
Gold silver and copper
cake my tongue
No harm can ever come from
my mother's praying hands
My filthy mouth -
I harmed myself
Orange wedge lip
Clenched ivory threat
Pulled the trigger with my tongue
Blood orange
Her saintly hands
I’m sorry - a million times over
I say to her
And when i finally cry
It is not for the lamb.
I want to metaphorically jump off a building and see who catches me. But at least I'm self aware enough to not do that.
— 🐇 hello everyone ! sorry for vanishing . . . I hope you all had a good new year and basically a good first month at this point . . i'll *try* to start posting more again soon , promise !
— 🐇 i truly don't need anyone else , take care of me like i'm a pet and i'll obey you like you own me . keep me at home , i don't need to see anyone else , you're all i need .
aosjdsidskfhfnfrgijfk ghnti ITS BEEN OVER 30 MINUTES WHY ON EARTH HAVEN'T THEY TEXTED BACK
My Platonic FP pays attention to me?? AND downloads my art I show them into their computer so it could forever be with them?
Guys, I'm so lucky o(*////▽////*)q!!!
(If they even dare to interact with others more then me i'll slit my throat open.)
my favorite comment section ever on Pinterest since it describes me so well
This will be kind of meditation.
I would like to say to myself especially about my brain. I am the smartest.
No, I am very smart. Indeed. The way my brain works horribly diabolically different. In some peaceful environment, I most definitely look perfect. But I am really really fragile and I would like if you view me respectfully. My brain has OCD but big major way it works is that it doesn’t have survivor as direct priority. When it tries to use thought process it makes millions decisions to “improve” final outcome, in other words I am not satisfied until I get major damage repair or problem solution, that means I will keep walking through a rope on top of a flagship in the wind to search for solutions. Very often I end up looking differently, expanding my horizon and gaining relevant knowledge to solve the problem. But I get in such way that the brain encourages risky paths more. More time consumption, more work, less power. Yara yara…
When other people have flaws or weaknesses, it’s easier for me to see them, hell it’s super easy. Each one of them, there’s million issues I can pick up on however I am more of an eye. Making logical decisions is definitely my forte also abstract reality is …. Unbearable, my ocd hates making abstract decisions that put me in disadvantage. That cynical pattern behavior has been true all the times. Sometimes, between two somewhat good decisions or two identical ones my brain doesn’t comprehend not making tough choice anymore…
I am too used to keep improving a decision until perfectly satisfied.
I understand flaw in that logic. How do I move from here? How do I live more like normies? To me, it is mental brainhell.
Being stupid seems to be bad. Being too smart makes you stupider than an idiot. Being smart in general doesnt seem to be useful survival skill. Real friends are only ones who can make my life happier.
DEAR ALL SCAMMERS WHO POSE AS OLD RAGGEDY ASS SUGAR DADDIES GO KILL YOURSELVES I DON'T WANT A FUCKING MESSAGE OR A SINGLE FUCKING COMMENT FROM YOU GO FUCKING KILL YOUR WORTHLESS SELVES I'M A GODDAMN CHILD AND I'M TAKEN. GO FUCKING ROT IN THE JAIL CELL YOU DESERVE TO BE IN
anyways hi guys this DIRECTLY contradicts my fucking banner (positivity? haha not tonight!) but i want to not just crawl out of my skin. i want to rip it off! tear my organs to shreds! i want to KILL someone! i want to MAUL someone! tear someone to shreds! i want to rip my own body apart because the way i experience rage is so unique and i hate it! i hate it so fucking much and nobody UNDERSTANDS me. and nobody cares about me either! and god forbid my friends actually like. idk talk to me unless they need something. at least that's how it feels sometimes. I'M usually the one to reach out. do they hate me? am i too annoying and insane for all of them? probably! because fuck me i guess! might as well kill myself!
i'm not actually a suicide risk btw. this is hypothetical and overreacting.
This is the BPD representation I didn't expect but turned out it was the best one out there
Rang's self worth issues just break my heart this season. I don't know how this boy does not see how much he gives back to people. How he only sees himself as someone who is incapable of being loved, someone who is a failure and can't protect anyone.
On the other hand, he would gladly see the best of people despite being hurt by them.
While i can understand his sentiments when it comes to Yeo hee, though even with her, once he decided to accept his feelings, he was completely willing to lay his life down for her and fought for her with his life.
But when it comes to Yeon, he has given back more than enough even when he has not received the same kindness back. I know that this Rang is not my 2020 Rang yet. But even 1938 Rang has been willing to die protecting his brother and we all saw that. Also, I don't understand why this Rang never seems to bring about the fact that he was very mercilessly cut down by said brother. Maybe because the writers want us to forget that Yeon was ever mean to him. Well, I refuse to forget that.
My boy never sees the good that he does but ends up holding everyone he loves at this pedestal. Show him the bare minimum love and affection and he would just gladly die protecting you. And i am not just winging it, he almost died protecting Shin ju in the well this season despite being all mad over him.
All these years of trauma and being abandoned by the people that he loved the most has just built my boy in a way that he believes he is just a stain, a burden, someone who has nothing to offer. And I need someone to tell him otherwise. Tell him how he has such a big heart and how he gives back so much more than he has ever received. 🥺
But the entire season, they ended up focusing on clearing Yeon's conscience. I believe all that matters to the writers is showing us just how much Yeon loves his brother. But the best way to do that would have been if they had acknowledged the pain that he had caused and apologised for it. Made Rang see his worth rather than pretending and believing that he never did anything wrong.
Ah, I might just keep on ranting if I don't stop but someone please help my boy see how precious he is. And he does not need to die for his life to be of some value. 🥺
"but it was a joke!" okay well your joke made me want to kms but thats fine since you were just joking ig
The words, the colors, the sun
fail to showcase my heartbreak
when I have yet to accept it as mine
and only mine to grieve.
I'd like to stop being anxious now. My head is exploding.
It's deeply painful how one person can make you feel like you're walking on clouds and other times, the loneliest person to ever exist.
Last night, I realised how utterly lonely I am without my partner talking to me. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. I realised that I have no one left to call and cry to, at midnight. In the past couple years since I've been with my partner, I think I distanced from my friends, but I guess I was already isolated by then.
Anyway, last night, I felt so alone, so lonely, so alienated. It felt like a dagger to my chest when he said he doesn't want to talk. My mind took me to some harrowing places. It felt like our relationship was over and that he doesn't want me anymore. And that he was my go to person and now I've left with no one to talk to when I really need to.
I'm back to how I was before I met him. All alone, all by myself, surrounded by friends but no one to reach out when necessary. It sucks.
Another person to grieve.
Another relationship to remember, woefully.
Low and low, I sink
lo and behold, I crumble.
kinda wanna leave. kinda wanna ghost everyone. kinda wanna rot under a blanket. kinda wanna feel loved. kinda wanna feel wanted. kinda wanna
*goes through a hard time*
Me: I must be pretending
*feels incredibly lonely and wants to talk to someone*
Me: ew I'm too needy and weak
*experiences shitloads of emotional pain*
Me: stfu you're not a baby, gulp it down alone like an adult
Tw: abuse
Just survived a couple hours with my abuser while casually chitchatting around family. I need to run away.
Trying to not to be afraid of this energy. One of the days when I feel sorry for myself. Sigh.
I don't want to do this anymore. It fucking hurts so bad. It's not worth it. I'm tired.
I write this with
melancholic music
blasting in my ears.
It's comfortable,
relatable.
It's hopeless,
as I long to be.
Fighting with your own mind for as basic thing as eating, is so fucked up and brutally sad.
back from a vacation to the same spirals and work, home sweet home.
Migraine aura + Splitting/ Spiraling = Fucked
If my mental illnesses weren't enough, the seasonal cold has been sitting on my head making my mind even more cloudy and jammed. How is any of this fair?
