Sp - Blog Posts

it has become my tradition to mix my new fandom obsession with kyman so now. just imagine them in the concept of milgram. with cartman (and other nine people) as a prisoner who committed murders and kyle as a guard who has to decide if the prisoners’ sins deserve forgiveness or punishment.

and imagine the slowburn when kyle first sees cartman who’s being way too arrogant and rude so he gets voted as guilty without hesitation. and then there’s the second trial, and kyle gets to know more about cartman, and now he’s torn apart by his sense of justice that wants to vote cartman guilty and his hidden feelings that scream about innocence.

and, well, i don’t know why, but this concept seems sooo fitting for kyman. the idea of justice, of forgiveness and punishment, of sins and misdeeds namnxjzkxnsk them

sorry for chaotic posting if someone’s interested (are there any milgram enjoyers….) i can create a whole au cuz im really into milgram rn,,,

my favorite thing to do in a conversation with kyman haters is hear them go “but it’s bully x victim, that’s problematic!!” and respond with “yeah i agree kyle was a bully but i believe he can really change” and then watch them sit in total confusion

both kyle and cartman joined the debate club in high school. kyle thought it would help him with his public speaking skills and improve his critical thinking, meanwhile cartman was just looking for an opportunity to release the anger and stress he had and fucking destroy someone in a verbal fight.

and – uh-oh, such a coincidence – they both joined it at the same time without knowing it.

kyle was obviously pissed off, and he was actually thinking of quitting, because the idea of spending school hours arguing with cartman didn’t really seem appealing to him, but eventually his pride wouldn’t let him simply give up.

“I can be in any club I want, and I won’t let Cartman fucking ruin it for me! You’ll see, dude, he’ll drop out in one or two meetings when I absolutely win him in a debate!” as he then explained to stan.

kyle was preparing for the first debate harder than for any of his normal school activities. he would spend nights perfecting his reasoning and making a plan for his speech, until he was absolutely sure cartman had zero chances to win.

the theme was something controversial like, i’m not sure, politics or something, and kyle was totally sure that cartman would come unprepared, because he hates anything homework-like, and he ususally prefers improvising.

he was wrong, though, as cartman has been preparing. he entered the classroom with a small stack of papers with his reasoning on them, he was smiling brightly and joking, and kyle for the first time felt insecure about his skills. he felt rather nervous as he knew that cartman’s charisma and the ability to tell lies in the blink of his eye made kyle look worse in a debate, but he still hoped the teacher had some common sense and wouldn’t let cartman blind them with his confident smiles and fake politeness.

but the nervous anxious feeling in kyle’s chest wouldn’t go away, so when cartman started speaking, kyle couldn’t just stay quiet, sighing irritatedly when cartman said things like “violence is bad”. as kyle knew damn well that’s not what cartman actually thought.

so when the debate was coming to its end and cartman was giving another hypocritical speech, kyle just couldn’t be silent anymore, interrupting cartman with his new counter arguments (and adding some insults as well). cartman, of course, lost his temper too, and the constructive discussion instantly became a heated bickering. teachers tried to stop it but when kyle and cartman are fighting literally nothing can distract them.

cartman: Look, capitalism is just the natural way of things. It's the perfect system, without it everything would fall apart!

kyle: How can you be sooo blind and ignorant to everything?! Capitalism breeds inequality, it's the reason behind a lot of problems in our society, you just don't know it because you haven't experienced all the struggles, you fat privileged fuck!

cartman: Oh, I’m privileged?? Well, you’re just a whiny jew who can't handle the truth. You're just jealous your greedy ass can't make money yourself!

kyle: Shut up, Cartman, I’m warning you!

after a few antisemitic-fatphobic-homophobic slurs they were both kicked out and banned from entering the club again.

they both seemed disappointed and annoyed by it, but cartman had a smug smirk on his face, feeling proud of making kyle mad.

they wouldn’t stop their fight though, arguing all the way back home, without being pressured or watched, and kyle caught himself thinking that arguing with cartman is pretty, well, addicting and he might actually be enjoying it.

at the end they decided it’s a tie, and for the goodbye cartman says something like “Well, you’re annoying as fuck, but I gotta hand it to you, you’re good at debating. Who even needs that stupid club, anyway?”

and kyle smiles, nodding. “Next week, the same time” he says already walking away from Cartman.

and they meet again, choosing a topic and preparing for the debate by themselves because they don’t need a club to argue with each other.

do you ship Stary (Stan x Gary)?

oh my god ABSOLUTELY. for some reason i got reaaally into it and came up with an au of how they got closer. i’m not usually a fan of ships with one-episode characters, but stary is SO great. HOLD ON LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT THAT AU

okay, so, we all know how “all about mormons” ended and that we have never heard of gary after that, right? now just let’s imagine he stayed in the school, in the same class as stan and others, but visibly started to avoid the main four. he hung out with the “background kids” and mostly girls, because they all adored how nice he is.

it didn’t actually make any difference for main four – they still thought gary was lame and were not interested in talking to him since he’s not a new kid in the class anymore. they all didn’t really like him. except for stan.

stan couldn’t get the thought of gary out of his head for all the following years. he didn’t make any attempts to befriending gary again, because he knew guys wouldn’t understand and he was terrified of hearing rejection again, so he mostly just… kinda secretly looked through gary’s social media once a week (or more often) and sometimes watched him out of the corner of his eye in the classroom.

he saw that gary was doing pretty fine without him, so he didn’t wanna be an inconvenience, but the thought. the thought that he had missed his chance to be friends with one of the most sincere and comforting people in the whole school only because of the peer pressure.

but he didn’t thought he could have a chance to reconnect until he has heard that gary’s parents are getting a divorce and that the “perfect mormon house” secretly had its troubles. and then, as it was absolutely destined, after the lessons ended, he sees gary sitting in the classroom all alone with a blank expression on his face and tired look in his eyes. and without giving it a second thought he walks up to gary and asks if everything’s fine.

and they start talking. for an hour, if not more. stan know some shit about divorcing parents, troubles at home and an urge to drink to feel happy (which turned out to be gary’s problem too), so he know how to support him, and gary is such a great listener. they start with discussing gary’s family problems, then eventually they start remembering their first time seeing each other, and stan (unexpectedly for even himself) openly admits he regrets fucking up things with their friendship, and he has dreamed of finally talking to him again for, like, ages. and gary just genuinely smiles and takes his hand saying that they still have time for that.

eventually they hang out together more. with gary there isn’t a lot of crazy adventures, and stan, who’s got pretty sick of those, feels so relaxed while being with him. the only thing is that they mostly meet privately and secretly from the rest of the main four, because stan feels this irrational shame for being friends with someone they don’t like. it kinda upsets gary, but he doesn’t want to end their friendship because of the same reason it ended the first time.

so yeah, that takes them two or three months until stan finally realises the unpleasant truth – he doesn’t wanna be just friends with gary and his nearly-obsession with him for the last five years was more likely a behaviour of a person who’s desperately in love. fuck. he doesn’t confess his feelings to gary because he’s too scared of fucking thing up the second time.

and it seems to be working, but the more stan spends time with gary, the more love he feels, until one day he finally snaps and while one of their walks in the park he very awkwardly kisses gary, who (honestly) doesn’t really seem to mind it.

and stan, an example of bravery, apologises and runs away before gary has a chance to answer him properly. ‘cause stan’s a jerk and he’s panicking.

he’s not used to handling stressful situations by himself, so he calls kyle because he has no one else to talk to:

stan: Dude, I have a problem. A big one.

kyle: Woah what happened??? Do you want me to come to your place?

stan: I just kissed a dude.

kyle: Okay I knew I’d hear these words from you one day.

stan: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU KNEW.

kyle: Oh please–

stan: We’ll talk about it later.

kyle: Pff, sure, dude. So you’re gay? Is this a coming out? I’m really proud of you finally admitting it out loud and sharing this with me, you know I’ll always support you whenever you ne–

stan: It’s Gary Harrison.

kyle: What. The mormon kid????

stan: Yeah, we kinda… Hung out together in secret…

kyle: But you hated him???

stan: WELL IT TURNS OUT I DIDN’T.

kyle: So what do you call me for?

stan: Oh, right. I kinda… ran away after we kissed?…

kyle: WHY.

stan: I DON’T KNOW, MAN, I PANICKED.

so kyle as the most supportive friend ever first laughs at stan, then helps him to understand what to do next. (and totally tells about it to cartman)

and, well, it’s pretty long enough so i guess i’ll stop here, because the rest of it is pretty much the plot of any slowburn mlm 200k words fic lmao

so yeah. answering to your question: i love stary. a lot.

i like oblivious butters. really, i do – it’s pretty canon, it has a lot of comedic potential and it contrasts so well with other guys’ cynical awareness.

but oh boy how i like when butters, on the contrary, is insightful – but he keeps all his information to himself. butters who’s the first person to realise something is happening between kyle and cartman. butters who realises stan is definitely not straight before even stan himself finds it out. butters who feels something is wrong with kenny’s often disappearances and is the first one to question it. he doesn’t talk about it much but he’s just there and he knows what’s happening, so when people don’t have anyone to talk to and need an advice – he will give it to them, and it will be the most supportive and sincere help.

you can’t tell me that he won’t develop the skill to read other people’s mood and notice the small details as he grows up – because that’s an essential part of living with unstable and violent abusive parents. even if he had troubles with reading the atmosphere in his childhood, daily attempts to guess and foresee his father’s mood will eventually end up being a great push for him to improve his understanding of people around him.

and yes he will still be pretty innocent and sometimes naïve and probably autistic little fella, but he will have so much more in himself than he shows. and i think nobody will really realise it, except for maybe cartman and/or kenny.

and that’s what makes all ships and brotps with him so intriguing and interesting.

the thing i like to headcanon for kyman is that they can always, no matter what, rely on each other. and they will be there for each other at worst moments ever possible.

when cartman’s mom goes to hospital in a very serious condition, the first and only person he tells about it personally is kyle – because he knows that despite their mutual hate and rivalry kyle will always be there when shit gets really bad. he won’t be just emotional support – he’s the one person to actually start helping and saving his friend in trouble, he’s the one to hug tightly and then slap cartman’s face so he doesn’t get too depressed.

and it’s mutual because kyle knows that even though it’s not the most logical choice, but once he gets in real trouble, cartman will be the first one he goes to. cartman will help to deal with the most fucked up situations and after he literally saves kyle’s ass, he will never shut up with stupid jokes and teasing kyle for getting in such stupid troublesome circumstances. and kyle will take both that and “you owe me now, kahl”, ‘cause he knows cartman will get serious again and help with anything in the future if anything else happens.

they can rely only on each other when things seem to be worse than ever.

in s17e1 “let go, let gov” it was confirmed that cartman usually talks on his speakerphone and now i truly believe that’s how he and kyle revealed their relationship to other guys. because one day cartman (as usual) put the conversation on speakerphone when kyle called him without giving it a second thought and kyle casually said “Hello, honey” while stan and kenny were standing next to cartman. and then there was this moment of silence.

istg if kyle having a crush on heidi in s21 was mattrey’s real intention, i’d be so disappointed. like. they know how to write about relationships, feelings and crushes, but the attempt to make kyle be in love with cartman’s girlfriend is either a very self-conscious and intentional kyman proof, or the lamest romantic plot EVER created.

i, personally, am not really into stan getting into kyman’s way and trying to stop them from dating, but it seems to be one of the most popular trope for stan in kyman fics. and although i can see the appeal, i prefer another option.

please think about stan who’s actually helping kyman to get together.

so cartman has a big and (as he thinks) unrequited crush on kyle, and he decides that the fastest and most effective way to win kyle’s heart is to get stan’s support since stan and kyle are the best friends. and if you have stan by your side, you can say that half of work here is done.

and as a professional manipulator cartman convinces stan into helping him – he plays the “i’m on my meds & went through therapy” card, he says that stan is the one who gotta understand how broken heart and unmutual feeling hurt, that it’s almost their prom and cartman doesn’t have enough time to hit on kyle properly – and who knows, maybe they won’t even be in touch after kyle enters the university, so cartman has only one chance. he swears on his life he’s never gonna hurt kyle, and he flatters stan by saying he always hated him the least out of all the boys.

and stan as a hopeless romantic and sucker for stories with unmutual crushes finally gives in agreeing to help cartman. bonus if wendy is totally into this idea because a) it’d be amusing to watch them having their drama; b) she supports gay rights and wrongs; c) she think that kyle would be like a good influence for cartman and could “fix him” (my girl has never been so wrong in her entire life)

so they all start a whole new project for making kyle consider cartman as a proper romantic partner.

cartman: Okay. You have to invite him to the cinema BUT you will dump him at the very last minute so he’ll have to go there with me. What movie should we choose?

stan: Uhhh… There’s a new DC movie?

cartman: DUDE! Even I know he’s more of a Marvel fan.

stan: Well, I’m- I’m not supposed to memorize his preferences by heart, you know!

cartman: You’re his best friend?????

btw stanman and candy bonding over there :333

so wendy and stan help him to plan the whole dates, but the minor problem is that they have veeery different understanding of the romance.

wendy: The best way to win his heart and make some obvious hints is to take him out for a romantic dinner in the restaurant!

stan: No way, Kyle’ll hate that! Take him for a basketball game, he loves basketball.

cartman: …Can’t I just invite him to watch “The passion”?

wendy&stan, indignantly: CARTMAN!

cartman: What? It’s symbolic!

so they end up convincing him that kyle is never gonna like cartman if he doesn’t hide his true self, so he has to pretend a lot. he hates this idea, but eventually agrees and starts faking his behaviour being all nice, polite and kind-hearted, but every time their dates become a mess. and kyle seems to react veeery negatively, because even though he thought he wanted cartman to change, and he’s supposed to be happy that cartman is finally acting like a decent normal person – deep down he can’t get rid of this vague feeling that something is wrong, that he’s faking. and it irritates him so much he gets more and more angry and yells at cartman almost every time, even though there are no visible reasons for that.

and one day cartman just freaks out because he’s tired of faking, and if kyle doesn’t like the real cartman, than fuck him. and he finally asks him out the way he truly wanted – with mean jokes, rude behaviour, they just go to kfc and then sit at home watching dumb horror movies in cartman’s bedroom. and that was the first time they kissed – the first time in a long time when kyle saw cartman’s real self. and oh boy did he missed it.

when kyle was 16, his parents (mostly dad) decided that he had to understand how money are earned by hard and honest work, so they cut off his pocket money and gave him an advice to finally find a part-time job. kyle didn’t mind it much, so after a week or two of choosing the right option he decided to stick to something as peaceful and less stressful as possible, so he chose to get a job at the local library as an assistant. he already had experience in working with literature and students books – he was tutoring his classmates for a year by that time, plus the librarian was his mother’s friend so he didn’t expect any difficulties to get into his way.

until cartman learned about kyle’s new work and decided it was his moral duty to go into the library that he has never visited before and pester kyle every goddamn day. because kyle couldn’t do anything to stop this since he wasn’t allowed to start conflicts as a worker there. it also was prohibited to shout at the library so most of the time he was cursing and threatening cartman in a whisper. neither was he allowed to kick him out because the librarian truly believed that every child has the right to be in this sacred temple of knowledge.

and it was terrible.

every day kyle was expecting another trick from cartman – either it was total reorganising of the books on shelves from alphabetical order to matching colours, or a request to find a very rare book that only was in the library in one copy somewhere in the farthest corner of the room at the highest shelf – only to realise cartman absolutely knows this book has been missing for, like, three years by now.

kyle: Can you please stop bothering me?! You don’t even read books!

cartman: Sure I do! But paper books are sooo last century, I’m into e-books now.

kyle: THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE LIBRARY EVERY DAY, YOU SADISTIC ASSHOLE?

cartman: Making your life even more miserable and complicated than it already is?…

kyle: Why am I even surprised? I should’ve really guessed.

AND THEN one day kyle sees cartman in the library and mentally prepares for another portion of mocking, but surprisingly for him, cartman doesn’t even look at him, says simple and brief “hi” and goes straight to the reading hall, grabbing one of the books on the shelf. kyle can’t help but feel curious, because he’s never seen cartman so concentrated and serious – at least not the last few weeks. he sneaks up to him from the back:

kyle: What, have you finally realised what you’re actually supposed to do at the library?

cartman, shivering a little: You’re not supposed to scare the shit out of your customers too, huh, Kahl?

kyle: What even is this book? Knowing your tastes, I won’t be surprised if it’s, like, fucking Mein Kampf or something like that.

cartman, rolling his eyes: It’s none of your fucking business. And I wouldn’t read Mein Kampf, who do you even think I am?

and then kyle grabs cartman’s book and with surprise sees that it’s one of his most favorite books (i’m not sure what exactly it is but my personal hc is that kyle is really into dystopias and stories with political controversial subtext…), and he really can’t help but start discussing it with cartman. after, like, a whole half an hour of kyle infodumping him with the history behind this book, he realises they actually have pretty similar taste, and cartman’s analysing skills are so great he really understands all of the hidden messages in books, and they, well…. eventually start hanging out in the library discussing books they’re reading rn. to the point where kyle almost forgets about his other duties at work ‘cause he gets really consumed by all these discussions with cartman.

and he tries to tell about this to stan and kenny but they both just laugh because these two nerds who have finally found a conversation partner are fucking hilarious.

+ bonus about their preferences: they both are really into morally grey and/or generally antagonistic characters. and although it’s totally predictable for cartman, he was really shocked when he realised kyle adores “bad” and “immoral” characters as well (we aaaaaall know why…)

also i think kyle is more of a “plot” person who really enjoys reading about how the world in the book works, meanwhile cartman mostly prefers digging into characters, relationships between them and their psychological traits and traumas, yk? and it really helps, because each of them often notice little details the other might’ve missed.

perhaps making my whole personality about two cartoon ten years old boys was a mistake

OK IDK IF ANYONE’S INTERESTED BUT

my compilation of kyman nsfw headcanons

(obviously they’re both aged up, it’s about 18 for both of them!!) also cw nsfw also please tell me if it gets too cringe……..

• they both have a LOT OF complaints about each other. for example, first month or two kyle has this thing about keeping their relationship in secret from everyone. so every time they’re about to have sex or even just to have a sleepover, he goes over the whole house five times to make sure nobody’s home, locks the door to his room, covers the windows, turns on the music so loud that no one could possibly hear what’s going on between them. he really even considered the idea of turning off the light, but cartman finally freaked out one day and said that if kyle wasn’t gonna handle his fucking paranoia, cartman would just go home.

also he’d try to make cartman quiet all the time so as not to be found by anyone, and it would piss cartman off SO bad: “Be quiet!!! My mom’s gonna hea–“ — “Can we please fuck at least ONCE without mentioning your BITCH mom OH MY FUCKING GOD.”

• also cartman is a jerk so every time kyle does something wrong and pisses him off, cartman remembers it and then later he leaves kyle bites, marks and hickeys on his neck or some other parts of his body that kyle can’t hide under the clothes. and kyle gets SO mad because “My mom is TOTALLY gonna notice this shit why the FUCK would you do that?” – “You called me fatass at school again, I had to take my revenge!”

eventually kyle would start wearing a scarf to hide all the marks cartman left him. and one day cartman was really stupid enough to start laughing in front of the other guys like “This scarf is so fucking gay, Kahl, what are you trying to cover up by it, hickeys??”. and oh boy if glares could kill…

• they don’t really have stable top/bottom roles… usually they just take over control when they feel like it (however, cartman-bottom and kyle-top happens to be a tiny bit more often)

• cartman is really into “extreme” so he would enjoy pestering and teasing kyle in public places so much. you know, quick unexpected kisses in the bus while nobody’s watching, brief touches and quiet and absolutely inappropriate whispering in the crowd…

moreover, cartman would totally be the type to start touching kyle’s knees under the table during the family dinner at broflovski’s house while talking to sheila with the most innocent face a person could possibly have. (kyle is sitting next to him about to explode with embarrassment and anger).

• in addition to that “extreme” thing, they are both kinda addicted to risking, so after two or three months of dating they both would get really into doing it in public. the worst time was in marsh’s bathroom once. stan learned about it already after the fact, and he stopped talking to them for, like, almost a week, because it was fucking traumatizing.

*kyle and cartman, kissing at the bus stop*

stan, laughing: You guys are gross, haha.

cartman, chuckling: Oh, come on, it’s nothing compared to that one time we did it in the bathroom in your house.

stan: …You did what?

kyle: WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT

cartman: What, you said you liked it!

kyle: I am so sorry, Stan, it’s all his fau–

stan: I am NEVER letting you in my house again.

kyle: Wait, Stan, please–

kenny, coming up to them: Hey guys! ‘Sup?

stan, completely broken: They had sex in my bathroom once.

kenny, grinning: WOAH nice one guys!!! Have you already done it in my house too?

kyle: NO

cartman, in sync: Yes.

• kyle absolutely sucks in romance but he’s actually trying his best to be as romantic as possible, so for their first time he bought flowers, lit candles in his room and made a goddamn playlist with the most cringy romantic songs about love ever. at first cartman didn’t mind it, and he honestly thought it was absolutely sweet. however when he heard some french song playing from kyle’s laptop while they were in the middle of process, he got so irritated he (with an effort) stopped kissing kyle for a minute to walk up, half-naked, to the table to turn off the music and mutter something about kyle’s terrible tastes.

• they both are SO prissy i mean they can get sooo absolutely gross sometimes, but having sex without having a shower and proper preparation first? never. and it’s actually pretty funny, because people don’t usually expect cartman to care so much about cleanness :D

• also cartman reaaally likes getting on kyle’s nerves and embarrass him in front of others, so it’s a typical situation when he tries to kiss or do something more intimate to kyle while he’s having a phone call or smth. (gross and disrespectful but oh how kyle loves it)

and it just somehow happens that stan is the one who suffers the most from this. one day stan and kyle were discussing on the phone something school-related and cartman got bored enough to start casually teasing kyle, touching him, kissing and biting his neck and, well, more.

kyle, breathing heavily while talking on his phone: Y-yes, dude, I’ll… I’ll send you my homework as soon as I get a chance.

stan: Kyle, I swear to fucking god if Cartman is trying to blow you while we’re talking, we will NEVER be friends again.

kyle: Of course he– doesn’t! What kind of perverts do you… think we are.

stan: You know what? I’ll ask Kenny about homework.

kyle: Kenny never does his homework.

stan: Yes, and Kenny also never tries to fuck someone AND talk to me at the same time!

kenny, shouting from the other room: I’m sorry to disappoint you, but actually–

stan, horrified: I hate you all.

• also yes meanwhile they can get pretty, uhh, sadistic from time to time most of the time they stick to gentle and comforting treatment because they never want to hurt each other on purpose. moreover, kyle praises cartman in bed constantly, making him feel much more confident about his body, and sometimes, when they’re most intimate and close to each other, kyle calls him “eric” and actually – cartman thinks just this, just hearing his own name pronounced by kyle with such satisfaction is so much better than sex itself.

• not nsfw, but cartman really often sneaks up to kyle’s room to just lay down with him and hug at night till they both fall asleep, and even though it was really awkward at first, as time passed, kyle got pretty used to opening his window and letting cartman in to hug him really tightly and sleep together :(

Even a king needs a break sometimes

[reblogs are appreciated <3]

My half of an art trade with @bloogers-boogers that my dumbass forgot to post 😭

I drew their versions of the fuckers 😎🫵

They're arguing for the millionth time over something except this time it's actually hurtful - whoopsies

SO imagine a soulmate au where people get a mark on their wrist that somehow implies who their soulmate is (basic). the mark usually appears somewhere about the age of 16-18.

not all people have soulmates, it’s a rather rare occasion (like one person out of 700 people), but if there have been people with soulmates in the family before, it increases the chances of having a soulmate-destined baby.

and now. STENNY.

kenny’s parents are soulmates (which is an INCREDIBLY rare situation because most of the time only one or nobody in a couple has a mark) so it was pretty natural to expect him having a mark.

other guys in the friends’ group didn’t worry about it much because they didn’t have any soulmates in their families, so they thought the chances of getting a soulmate mark were too low.

until one day stan wakes up and sees a death mark on his wrist. like. the grim reaper mark.

and he (naturally) gets scared as fuck. he tries to show this mark to anyone to reassure him that it’s ok but everyone seems pretty scared of it just as much as he is.

after, like, one week wendy breaks up with him saying that she’s afraid it’s some sort of a curse and she doesn’t really want to risk her life for a death-marked boy

and stan (once again naturally) gets depressed.

and uh. kenny is the only one who understands the meaning of the mark. but he can’t really tell the truth to stan because he simply wouldn’t believe if one of his best friends just casually told him “ah yes we’re soulmates and the reason why your mark is so weird is because i die at least once a week. wanna go on a date now?”

and while stan is out there hating his unknown soulmate, kenny has to listen to him complaining about his terrible luck and just. do nothing.

so kenny is just… waiting for his mark to appear so he can have a real proof of their soulmateship.

and now imagine the drama.

professor: Mister Broflovski, when I gave you an assignment to make a presentation on any legal topic of your choice, I didn’t exactly mean this…

kyle, standing next to a laptop with an “every crime ever committed by eric cartman” presentation: What do you mean🥺

so yes i have a kyman university au which i am writing now where they enter the same uni (they didn’t know it until it was too late) and start fighting ‘cause ppl actually like cartman because they dont know about all those terrible things he’s done.

i feel like even professors would dislike kyle for how he acts around cartman.

cartman: So moral values, on the other hand, although are not mandatory to follow, are extremely significant in people’s lives. They are the reason why people understand the importance of equality, honesty and self control. And even though they are not written in any legal documents or Constitution, people who don’t live by their standards or whose values differ from the rest of society are eventually called deviants and threaten the law system. Basically, summing up what I have just said, life without moral values would be a complete disaster and would cause chaos and disorder.

professor: Very well, Eri–

kyle, rolling his eyes and snorting: Oh, please.

professor: Is there a problem, mister Broflovski?

kyle: I’m sorry, but– As if he knows anything about moral values.

professor: And what do you mean by that unexpected accusation?

cartman: I apologise, Professor, me and Kyle were… acquainted before. I believe he’s talking about those times.

kyle: Yes, I am! You shouldn’t even be allowed to study Law in the first place!

cartman: Wow, Kyle. Rude.

professor: Young man, everyone is allowed to study law, no matter what things they’ve done in the past.

kyle: But you don’t understand, he’s…

professor: And I don’t want to judge my students by their past. Right now I see in Eric Cartman a good, responsible, hard-working and smart man, and you… well, you’ve already spoiled my impression.

kyle, shocked: What– But– It’s–

cartman: Can I now continue my answer, Professor?

professor: Sure, Eric, go on. And you *(refers to kyle)* – please, refrain from unasked comments in my classes.

kyle: But– …Okay, I’m… sorry. Won’t happen again.

a short messy unfinished benrietta uhhh thing that i wrote at night idk if there are many enjoyers. cw underage smoking!!

***

Bebe takes a deep drag on a cigarette, coughing and blinking away the tears in her eyes. Despite what she had said to Goth kids, she wasn’t actually really used to smoking, and now, with a bit of a shame, a delusional thought flashes in her head – Henrietta is probably laughing internally at Bebe's attempts to mimic their lifestyle. Nevertheless, Stevens quickly gets rid of it, angrily shaking her head.

She feels disgusted to realize that the desire to please and satisfy everyone around her is put so deeply into the subcortex of her brain that she can’t let herself relax even now, in the passenger seat of Mrs. Biggle's old car, in the very suburbs of South Park — in the place where no one could even see her. Except Henrietta, of course. But Bebe mercilessly cuts off this thought, because she wouldn’t try so hard to look good just for Henrietta – she is almost sure of that.

She takes a drag on a bitter menthol cigarette, holding the smoke in her lungs for a couple of seconds. Then she blows the smoke, imagining all of her obsessive thoughts and troubles coming out of her body as well. Her head feels pleasantly empty, and she giggles, leaning back in the seat and lazily looking around the neighborhood through the mud-stained broken car window.

Shithole. South Park was just a one huge shithole, a cage in which she lived all her life, and from which she desperately wanted to be free. What exactly she meant by "freedom", Bebe wasn’t really able to explain, so she usually stuck to safe "Denver" — that’s where she wanted to move after finishing high school.

Bebe chuckles and shares out loud her ideas about moving out of their town. To her surprise, Henrietta's hoarse voice sounds completely uninspired, even bored:

“Denver is just the same dump. I don't want to move, it's conformist”.

Bebe frowns, raises herself on her elbows and carefully examines the serene expression of her friend's face. She is leaning back in the driver's seat, with her eyes closed and a lit cigarette between her fingers.

Bebe squints, noticing the mascara that has carelessly smeared in the corners of Henrietta's eyes, and suppresses the desire to move closer and fix her makeup. Instead, she follows Henrietta’s example and closes her eyes, accidentally poking a cigarette into her cheek and squealing shortly in surprise.

"You shouldn't move either, by the way. You'll go wild as soon as you get out of of your parents’ control, and then you'll just hate yourself. That’s how it happens to girls like you," Henrietta says disinterestedly.

Bebe listens to her voice, monotonous, hoarse from smoking, and does not know if she even should be offended by the harsh words if they are said in such an incredibly beautiful voice. For some reason, her heart is speeding up its pace, and she can only hope that it's out of anger.

“Well, maybe I need to go wild? It's not easy to always be perfect, you know!” Bebe replies, wrinkling her nose capriciously.

“And who told you you’re perfect?” Henrietta asks, raising her eyebrows slightly in surprise, as if she did not expect such words from herself.

Bebe gasps with indignation, and makes an attempt to defend herself:

“Well, everyone knows that”.

And indeed. A constant. A strange hierarchy among the girls in the second grade put Bebe to the other "popular" girls – Bebe doesn’t remember exactly why, though. Maybe because she had the most beautiful pink bows in the whole class, or maybe because she was pretty confident while talking to the boys, or some similar stupid childish reason. Back then, in elementary school, everything was much simpler, and Bebe didn't even have to try to be liked by people – everything was already decided for her by her cute blonde curls, which all the boys in the class were crazy about.

Now she wastes hours of her life on skin care, good (but not perfect, so as not to become a “nerd”) grades and shopping with girlfriends.

She didn't know what would happen if she did go down the social ladder at school, but she preferred not to think about it too much. Several times she was already close to it, but quickly redeemed her reputation every time.

Now she felt like she was walking on the edge, looking into the abyss at the very bottom of the hierarchy they had invented, balancing dangerously. For example, because now, instead of having fun at Wendy's birthday party, she is sitting with Henrietta in an ancient car in the poorest neighbourhood of their town and smoking the third cigarette.

Bebe thinks for a second where Henrietta would be on this so called social ladder, and then realises that she probably doesn't fit into this system at all, standing somewhere aside alone and muttering something about pathetic conformists. She feels a sharp pang of envy in her heart. She wished she could just not care about her social status too.

Henrietta's voice pulls her out of the abyss of her thoughts – Bebe has clearly been thinking too much lately – and Stevens is surprised to notice in it emotions that she could not read yet. So far, she couldn't read Henrietta at all.

“Well, I don't argue with the fact that you are beautiful and convenient, but perfect?” Henrietta winces expressively, and Bebe suddenly feels as if she's been punched in the gut.

“If you’re just gonna insult me for no reason, I’m leaving,” Bebe warns, frowning. She can’t help but feel offended, even though she has no idea why she wants to be liked by Henrietta so bad.

“Those are not insults, they’re facts. Grass is green, sky is blue, and you are deeply unhappy because you try to fit into society’s standards”. Henrietta shrugs casually, as if she didn’t just destroy Bebe’s understanding of her own life.

“At least I’m accepted into society and people don’t call me a fucking freak and weirdo!” Bebe murmurs angrily.

“Was that supposed to be offensive?” Henrietta chuckles, inhaling smoke again.

i have a headcanon that all of cartman’s “first times” were with butters: first kiss, first sexual contact (as teens), first date attempts. because they both trusted each other and they both had sexuality and identity crisis, so they kinda… experimented with each other.

and even though kyle laughs when he just learns this fact of cartman’s life, after he finally starts dating cartman he can’t help but feel these jealousy and envy when eric mentions that “he has already tried that with butters”, and he’s very likely to subconsciously start disliking butters a little, because he just can’t let go of this thought of cartman and butters kissing or having an awkward date or something.

kyman would have made a prenup before anyone would even thought about the wedding

for some reason i enjoy so much the idea of kyle actually genuinely liking cartman’s appearance. like, he would never admit it – especially to cartman – but somehow eric really is a perfect match for kyle’s preferences.

therefore he can’t possibly stand the idea of cartman changing his appearance to become more “beautiful” in other people’s opinions, because kyle likes him the way he already is — and kyle already is sure cartman is beautiful.

so eeeevery time cartman has even a tiniest thought of losing weight, kyle makes sure he will change his mind.

cartman: I don’t know, man, maybe I really should lose weight… I mean, I’m hot as hell right now, but imagine all those girls who will go completely insane when they see me all skinny and sexy?

kyle: Gross. I don’t want to even think about it.

cartman: Are you jealous, Kyle? Or are you just envious ‘cuz I get more females’ attention being big-boned than you do with your thin ass?

kyle: Don’t you flatter yourself, Fatass. When was the last time a girl looked at you without a terror on her face?

cartman: Oh, shut up, Jew! You’re just afraid you’ll look even uglier next to me.

kyle: So you’re going on a diet, right?

cartman: Right!

kyle: Okay, good luck with this. …Oh, wait, isn’t this a KFC restaurant right there? And, wow, look: I have fifteen bucks right here! Damn, that’s just perfect for a double portion of chicken...

cartman: No… you sneaky little…

kyle: Huh? What’re you saying? I didn’t quite catch it. Do you wanna join me, Cartman?

cartman: …I hate you so much, Kyle. You’re going to burn in hell for forever. More than that: I will turn your life to hell myself–

kyle: So you’re going or not?

cartman: …Yes.

ALSO yes he’d support cartman’s decision to lose weight for himself but he just hates the idea of cartman changing his body just for social standards. and i just want at least one person to completely adore cartman’s looks and compliment him and i think kyle’d be the one to do so. once he get over his embarrassment, he’ll start telling nice things to cartman once in a while and cartman who is absolutely not used to genuine praise will be so. fucking. happy. every time.

and during the rest i’ve been thinking about the difference between kyman and stanman a lot

like, we all know how kyle would be pretty insistent on the whole “changing cartman for the better” thing, cuz he’d think it’s his moral obligation and he’s not the type to just suddenly tolerate some traits he strongly dislikes in others

and what’s most important, he doesn’t see cartman through rose-colored glasses, he just, well… sees real cartman and doesn’t make excuses for his terrible actions, and he accepts the fact that, yes, it’s cartman, he has his flaws (like. lots of them) and he might hate those traits but he loves cartman in general with all his difficulties and “disadvantages”.

AND THEN there’s stanman where once stan falls in love he starts to kinda idealise cartman? he pretends he doesn’t see his “bad” sides anymore, and he doesn’t really try to change cartman, even when some things eric does make him uncomfortable.

and then. keep this all in mind and. imagine styleman. where stan and kyle have fights over this like every week.

kyle: We can’t tolerate this kind of behaviour, Stan, he destructs people around him, us, and most of all – himself!

stan: I don’t wanna change Cartman, dude, i like him the way he is!

kyle: That’s stupid, you have to think logically!!

stan: That’s what love is about, Kyle. You don’t just change a person if you dislike something about them. Not like you would know that, of course.

also, during their relationship cartman sees style comforting each other as he realises romance can be not only about getting on each other’s nerves and constantly fighting but like?? actual support?? caring attitude?? help?? acceptance?? and he goes like W O W

that was a long rest but HEYYY im kinda back!!!!!!!!

i haven’t written a lot of things during my time off but i’ve kind of started to write my university au kyman fanfic (this is difficult cuz i have no clue how universities in usa work so i’ll have to do a lot of research….) and yepp that’s it. if anyone is interested i can tell more about this au adding some details (it also has stutters and weidi in it!!)

aaaaand cw nsfw mentioned

btw guys im still pretty new to tumblr so idk does anyone here think it’d be okay if i posted some aged up!kyman nsfw headcanons? /gen. that’s sorta the only thing i’ve written so far hehe

IT’S KYMAN WEEK AND CARTDAY NOW OMG

happy birthday the most fucked up boy <3

i love creekenny

imagine craig and kenny coming to tweak bros and ordering, like, a single cup of black coffee. they dont even drink it, they just sit there for two hours flirting with tweek when he passes by to give other customers their orders. tweek gets absolutely furious because of this.

kenny: Hey, sunshine, you’re as sweet as this coffee 😉

tweek: I didn’t put sugar into your cup.

kenny: Oh. Then, uh, my coffee is hot, but you’re hotter 😉

tweek: You ordered this two hours ago, it’s not hot anymore, and I fucking know you guys hate coffee!!

craig, in a monotonous manner: Just like my coffee, you keep me up at night?

tweek: gAH–

kenny: Heey, not bad, Tucker!!! You’re improving at this!

tweek: If you’re not gonna order anything else I’ll have to ask you to leave! You’re scaring the customers!

kenny: Sure. Bring us another cup of this black shit, coffee boy. Although I really better cut back on caffeine because my heart beats fast enough around you.

tweek: Out.

thinking about kyle who somehow memorises every little detail about cartman’s life. he says he does it so he can use it against cartman in the future but honestly nobody believes him. every time stan and kyle go to the shop to buy something before cartman and kenny come to play xbox together, they’re like

stan, grabbing vanilla ice cream: Okay, and this one’s for Cartman.

kyle: Nah, he hates vanilla, I’d better choose this chocolate one, that’s his favorite, plus take marshmallows cuz he likes to add them to ice cream.

stan: …Tell me again why do you always remember Cartman’s taste?

kyle: What?! I don’t remember just his taste particularly, I have a good memory and accidentally remember other people’s preferences.

stan: Ok, so what’s my favorite ice cream?

kyle, confused: Uh… Strawberry?..

stan, betrayed: I don’t even eat ice cream! Ever! Dude!!!

kyle, embarrassed af: Can we just continue shopping PLEASE.

very anonymously requesting benrietta

BENRIETTA MY BELOVED. literally one of my absolutely fav wlw in the whole sp.

• okay, this is a “mutual jealousy” type of relationship. while henrietta believes that everything is so easy for bebe, considering she’s admittedly pretty, smart and popular, and people will like her no matter what she does, bebe actually is envious of how henrietta can just not give a single shit about what others think of her, and she can allow herself to express her individuality.

• they both think the other lives better until they finally talk – pretty passively aggressive at first, i must say – and slowly realise that both of their lives aren’t so good and easy after all. like, bebe can’t just think of herself as something more than just a pretty girl, and most boys she’s dated didn’t really care about her personality. she has to always be beautiful and smiling or else she’ll lose her value. at the same time henrietta is often called a freak, she hears gossips behind her back, she knows her family is disappointed in her – and it all hurts, no matter how hard she tries to hide it. hell, even being a goth requires fitting into special “norms”, so she can’t just express herself as much as she’d like to. and when they finally talk about it, it feels like they found a goddamn soulmate, because mo one else ever was so sympathetic with them.

• bebe has pretty strict parents who care a lot about their reputation, and one day she gets so sick of their endless nagging about her appearance and grades and college and other stuff, that she tells about it to henrietta. the goth girl shrugs and suggests her to run away, and bebe can’t believe it the first second. eventually she agrees, and they take henrietta’s mom’s car and just… drive away from south park for a day or too, and bebe for the first time in her life feels free.

• their first kiss was pretty random. it was in the car, bebe was watching henrietta smoking and then she casually said that she always wondered how it feels to kiss a boy who smokes. henrietta remains silent, letting out smoke, then looks at bebe in surprise and bends down, softly kissing her. when she finishes she says “Yeah, I’m not a boy, but I don’t think it matters so much. So how does it feel?” and bebe just sits there absolutely shocked and that’s the first time she realises she might have had feelings for henrietta this whole time.

• also now imagine black is not henrietta’s natural hair color, and bebe spends two hours, dyeing her hair. <3

• and finally a little addition about my fav close brosist4 for them – bebe+henrietta+stan+tweek. i won’t elaborate but they are friendship goals.

hey vita!! really like your posts and REALLY want to know what are you hiding away from us about wendy + heidi you seem to like them but i didnt see you talk about them much sooo what do you have on your mind about them?

ok first of all IM NOT HIDING 😭😭 i genuinely love them and well okay some headcanons!!

• after breaking up with cartman, heidi had a lot of (and i mean it) anger issues and hatred bottled up inside of her that she had no idea how to deal with. after she couldn’t just fight with eric like she used to did, she kept all those negative emotions inside, occasionally bursting with anger and starting to shout at everyone around her and becoming quite insufferable. wendy couldn’t tolerate this behaviour among girls – not to mention they already hated heidi enough to avoid her most of the time – so she suggested heidi to start boxing with her. at first heidi thought that was a stupid idea and wendy was just messing with her, but eventually she agreed and started taking boxing lessons with wendy. the classes were not really popular, so the only people heidi actually knew there were heidi and tweek. all three of them started doing this to let out their inner anger with the least possible harm caused.

• heidi and wendy got pretty close because of this, they started spending more and more time together. they were pretty similar deep inside and although heidi still couldn’t become the same pure and kind girl she used to be, wendy did see that they had a lot of in common – they were both pretty concerned about justice, for example – wendy mostly cared about social inequality, while heidi, who was an eco activist, tried to protect the planet, ecology and animals. hehehe they made a really powerful duo!!

• wendy was the one who heidi shared her doubts about her sexual orientation with, because she knew wendy would support her. and wendy did. she did support her, but ever since then she couldn’t get rid of this intrusive little thought in her head, a vague hope. “she likes girls. does it include me?”. and she was terrified of this because before heidi she never even considered being something other than straight. so yep she went through a whole orientation crisis before finally admitting she could be in love with heidi <3

• also a very weird friendship group i can’t stop thinking about is wendy+heidi+kyle+tweek because i feel they would get along so well i neeeeed their interactions

cartman took kyle’s phone and changed his own profile there THE MOMENT they started dating (kyle did not rlly like this because when cartman called him once he had no idea what excuse to use when he tried to explain to stan why cartman is called “bbygirl🥰😍” in his phone)

ok here’s an original with heiman but naaaah

psst is it okay if I ask for some stutters headcanons that u have? need inspo and I get a lot of it from this blog <3

OMG SURE!!! THANKS!!!

mannn stutters is my second otp and i have so many thoughts on them!

first of all, this whole ship is about contrasts. the popular kid x weird kid, the generally normal x the fucked up, the one who tries to be straight so badly x the one who is obviously fruity, and so on, so on…

and i’ll write a whole post abt them and their dynamic a bit later, so for now here are some little headcanons

• stan is always the one to invite butters to hang out with their friends’ group. he’ll never admit it to kyle or cartman but he genuinely likes having butters around, and he’s the only one who feels that butters is an essential part of their group. while others may forget him all the time, stan is the only one to constantly keep butters in mind all the time, especially when they grow older.

• stan actually sees butters as the “light spot” in his life. he knows that butters is messed up and has a lot of mental issues, but the way butters is always so naïve and, well, not spoiled yet just makes stan, who is pretty cynical, want to care for him more. (remember the pandemic specials where they went to make a stuffed toy or smth? stan was self-projecting, of course, but i do believe he still cared about butters while doing all this)

• stan feels that butters is the only one who could relate to his sexuality crisis, somehow. he wouldn’t make fun of him or act aggressive, he’d just simply accepted the fact that, well, stan might be bi, and he wouldn’t make a big deal about it.

• they share the same taste in media. they listen to similar groups, they watch the same shows, and they both have this eternal love for music. sometimes they play their guitars together, and butters is the first one to be allowed to hear stan’s own music when they are teens.

• stan mostly doesn’t have any respect for his father, while butters is terrified of his, so stan helps butters with actually standing up for himself in front of his parents. sometimes (as teens) they can run away from their parents, the farm, the punishments and all their friends for a day, and just sit calmly next to each other and enjoy a free day

idk if thats enough, i’ll probably add smth more later!!!! hope i helped <3!!