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This Morning: A Thread (TW: Suicidal ideation)
My brain: Ugh, not again
How and why am I still alive?
Because I just fell asleep, it's normal
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be here.
I cannot unalive myself here. I need to wait until I can.
I need to study, get my degree, get a job, start living alone.
Only then will I be able to end it.
Alone, alone, alone.
Yes, only a few more years.
Let's start the day.
TW: suicide attempt
A year ago, tonight was the night, I tried to kill myself by overdosing on my antidepressant and antianxiety medication.
There are a lot of parallels between that night and tonight: I was alone in my room, I had smoked, I thought about how lonely I am even after being surrounded by people I love and who love me.
I was stuck in an overthinking loop that night, I just couldn't get out of it. My mind kept on telling me that there's only one way to end it so that's what I did. I tried to end everyone's misery (I thought I was a burden on everyone, that they would be better off without me) so I did what I did.
I ended up being a burden.
I got into emergency, then ICU, which was the loneliest I've ever felt.
After being at home, listening to my parents taunting me every chance they got, I kind of got better.
I'm not always happy but I'm also not crying my eyes out every night.
I'm just okay. Getting by.
I thought I'll cry tonight but nothing so far. Does that mean I've grown? Or am I stronger? Or I just don't care anymore.