Darkacademism - Blog Posts

it's a race against the clock, but we don't wanna watch

The clouds are being illuminated by lightning.

Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Low and low, I sink

lo and behold, I crumble.

I write this with

melancholic music

blasting in my ears.

It's comfortable,

relatable.

It's hopeless,

as I long to be.

I just read “each time you open a book and read, a tree smiles knowing there's life after death”and OH MY GOD

I'm not the past version of myself who didn’t rest,

I'm not okay and I need the help.

The cold and the void have made me into a deadly concoction of shivering mess.

Fucked and how. I need a vacation. Getting it. Then back to the bullshit which is my life.

My core self was quiet because I was told to be. And hence, this. Sigh. So many to blame but a lot to remedy. First, the need of the hour: removing triggers of all my illnesses. Let's get to that, yes.

Too many insights. Too many realizations. Long way to go. Sit tight. 🫠

✨️finally gone manic after being unable to want to breathe for years ✨️

I can't form so much as a tear

but I seem to be drowning still.

I can't feel the hurt or the pain,

only the excruciating absence of happiness.

This Morning: A Thread (TW: Suicidal ideation)

My brain: Ugh, not again

How and why am I still alive?

Because I just fell asleep, it's normal

I don't want to be here.

I don't want to be here.

I cannot unalive myself here. I need to wait until I can.

I need to study, get my degree, get a job, start living alone.

Only then will I be able to end it.

Alone, alone, alone.

Yes, only a few more years.

Let's start the day.

I feel numb, I don't want to think about anything. It's too much. I didn't want to wake up today. I have a lot to take care of and think about but I just don't have it in me to tend to anything.

I feel numb.

as the solitude comforts me,

the loneliness eats me up and

I let it.

I belong to none,

not these extended hands,

the rosey skies,

or the bloodied battlegrounds in my name.

I belong to none other than myself

but know not which one in particular

I may not love myself on most days

but I definitely would not let you either.

How do I make someone understand

just how much I have to fight everyday?

That I'm perpetually at war with my brain

that I don't let myself lean on anyone but myself

even if it makes the fire harder to extinguish

but isn't that what I really want?

To burn and burn

and burn.

On nights like this, I try to remember to be kinder to myself even if that kindness feels so wrong.

I know no one

and

I do not know myself.

I dine alone and I have no cutlery

to hold my appetite

as I attack this platter of death and misery

with my bare hands

and leave no crumbs.

You are just a fragment of my imagination

it feels insulting to cry out loud

when some have loved and lost you

and I've only lost.

my mind often contradicts the heart

it says, no more.

today, the heart begs,

I will live for the both of us.

TW: suicide attempt

A year ago, tonight was the night, I tried to kill myself by overdosing on my antidepressant and antianxiety medication.

There are a lot of parallels between that night and tonight: I was alone in my room, I had smoked, I thought about how lonely I am even after being surrounded by people I love and who love me.

I was stuck in an overthinking loop that night, I just couldn't get out of it. My mind kept on telling me that there's only one way to end it so that's what I did. I tried to end everyone's misery (I thought I was a burden on everyone, that they would be better off without me) so I did what I did.

I ended up being a burden.

I got into emergency, then ICU, which was the loneliest I've ever felt.

After being at home, listening to my parents taunting me every chance they got, I kind of got better.

I'm not always happy but I'm also not crying my eyes out every night.

I'm just okay. Getting by.

I thought I'll cry tonight but nothing so far. Does that mean I've grown? Or am I stronger? Or I just don't care anymore.

The music dances inside my mind,

It's beautiful and it's urgent

It's my escape from words that I can't find the symphony to write.