Borderline Things - Blog Posts

The words, the colors, the sun

fail to showcase my heartbreak

when I have yet to accept it as mine

and only mine to grieve.

THIS. THIS. THIS. I want to plaster this on my face.

I'd like to stop being anxious now. My head is exploding.

Low and low, I sink

lo and behold, I crumble.

*goes through a hard time*

Me: I must be pretending

*feels incredibly lonely and wants to talk to someone*

Me: ew I'm too needy and weak

*experiences shitloads of emotional pain*

Me: stfu you're not a baby, gulp it down alone like an adult

Trying to not to be afraid of this energy. One of the days when I feel sorry for myself. Sigh.

I don't want to do this anymore. It fucking hurts so bad. It's not worth it. I'm tired.

I write this with

melancholic music

blasting in my ears.

It's comfortable,

relatable.

It's hopeless,

as I long to be.

Fighting with your own mind for as basic thing as eating, is so fucked up and brutally sad.

I'm not the past version of myself who didn’t rest,

I'm not okay and I need the help.

Migraine aura + Splitting/ Spiraling = Fucked

The cold and the void have made me into a deadly concoction of shivering mess.

Fucked and how. I need a vacation. Getting it. Then back to the bullshit which is my life.

Lo and Behold, the Low is here!

And so am I. Hihi.

Sigh.

My core self was quiet because I was told to be. And hence, this. Sigh. So many to blame but a lot to remedy. First, the need of the hour: removing triggers of all my illnesses. Let's get to that, yes.

I can't form so much as a tear

but I seem to be drowning still.

This Morning: A Thread (TW: Suicidal ideation)

My brain: Ugh, not again

How and why am I still alive?

Because I just fell asleep, it's normal

I don't want to be here.

I don't want to be here.

I cannot unalive myself here. I need to wait until I can.

I need to study, get my degree, get a job, start living alone.

Only then will I be able to end it.

Alone, alone, alone.

Yes, only a few more years.

Let's start the day.

I feel numb, I don't want to think about anything. It's too much. I didn't want to wake up today. I have a lot to take care of and think about but I just don't have it in me to tend to anything.

I feel numb.

Time to go underground and push everyone away after an overwhelming weekend.

TW: mention of suicide attempt

My therapist is proud of me!

This was the first time she explicitly told me how proud she is of me and how far I've come.

While I've had a lot of people tell me that they're proud of me but somehow, hearing this from someone who knows me a lot differently than others, knows all those things that I refuse to share with others, understands my thought process, it just made all the difference.

As she was telling me about the growth I've had, I couldn't hold back the tears.

She told me that I seemed more confident, sure of myself and stronger than ever before. It was really overwhelming.

I'm really glad to have found her and to have come so far. From attempting to take my own life last year to not depending on anyone for my happiness and being content with my life as it is. It's been one hell of a journey and I'm just happy to be alive to experience this.

Never give up, you'll get there eventually.

TW: suicide attempt

A year ago, tonight was the night, I tried to kill myself by overdosing on my antidepressant and antianxiety medication.

There are a lot of parallels between that night and tonight: I was alone in my room, I had smoked, I thought about how lonely I am even after being surrounded by people I love and who love me.

I was stuck in an overthinking loop that night, I just couldn't get out of it. My mind kept on telling me that there's only one way to end it so that's what I did. I tried to end everyone's misery (I thought I was a burden on everyone, that they would be better off without me) so I did what I did.

I ended up being a burden.

I got into emergency, then ICU, which was the loneliest I've ever felt.

After being at home, listening to my parents taunting me every chance they got, I kind of got better.

I'm not always happy but I'm also not crying my eyes out every night.

I'm just okay. Getting by.

I thought I'll cry tonight but nothing so far. Does that mean I've grown? Or am I stronger? Or I just don't care anymore.