Lyss - Blog Posts

I don't know that I've ever heard a more apt turn of phrase than "consumed by depression"

It swallows me whole without remorse and I wonder if this is the time I am truly consumed

Some Days

Some days I love myself.  Overjoyed to help others feel useful A treasure whose bliss is creating bliss Worthy. Loveable. Hopeful.

Other days I hate myself. Overwhelmed with feeling useless A burden and toxic to everything I touch Unworthy. Unloveable. Hopeless.

Some days I wonder if I will ever get back to some days.

You spin me around

like we're pinning the tail on the donkey

Yesterday this, tomorrow that

contradictions and half-truths

Until I'm dizzy and can barely walk straight

and you end up with a tail on your forehead

Collected

You collect hearts    the way others collect shells Shiny hearts full of love    you are too scared to return Holding them to your ear    to admire the way they admire you Then back on display    until your ego needs another stroke There my heart sits in your display case,    dripping love and devotion Among the other trophies,    stolen by the heart collector

Dolly

I am your dolly You pull me down from my shelf    when you've nothing better to do To manipulate and pose me To play pretend Until another toy    catches your eye Then back I go Lifeless and empty    on my shelf

#need something to grab onto #to ground me #feeling lost #hold my hand #before i float away

Chase me Not because I am worth the chase But because I believe I am not

My eyes ache And I can’t tell if it is from lack of sleep Or all the crying But either way I blame you

the darkness i thought it would consume me but here i am with my light shining through

how can i feel  so empty and yet so full  all at once

I am a believer Always wanting To believe In the good in people In something bigger That promises made Are promises kept

It took a long time And immeasurable disappointment To become this distrustful But I’m really not

On the inside I still believe In you

And I believe You will break my heart Again

You tainted my book

The one where all my words go Every other page soiled With thoughts of you Poems of adoration And lines of punishment My devotion literally Written all over it

You tainted my heart

I wonder sometimes  - okay, more than sometimes - if your inner demons  - those bastards; fuck them - let you feel what you actually feel  - not just the watered down emotions which manage to filter through your walls - would you be able to love me  - would you be in love with me -

lost abandoned help me find me love me

The darkness in my head thick viscid pulling me under

I once thought you had come to banish the darkness It turns out you only came to snuff out my remaining light

I keep typing out all my feelings to you Then I remember I’m not allowed anymore

No matter how hard I try Or the amount of willpower I manage to summon You will always be my weakness

It’s just nice to know once in a while you’re weak for me, too

I am angry with you  But I am far more  disappointed in myself 

This is my fault

I let you in I showed you all my softest  most vulnerable bits I allowed myself to believe  you’d keep them safe

This is my fault

I'm over you But I will never be over what we had

There is more than one path to being a Good Human Being™

he took a screenshot and my heart took flight

I want...

I want to rail. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to yell out horrible things about him and make him feel as useless and broken as I do.

I want his arms around me. I want him to stroke my hair and tell me it will be okay. I want to believe it will be okay. I want to be safe. And secure.

But no one hears my wants as they fall directly into the blackness which was once my heart.

Time again to box it all up. Put it away. Pretend I don’t feel. Time to lose myself in mundanity. Hide from passion. Give up on hope.

I'd like to have compassion for him but I can't I've already given him too much of my heart.

Hanging on by a thread Waiting for you to cut the cord